Rick Santorum (Penn-R) is an asshole's asshole. The upper santorum crust (see below) of the homo-hating right-wing über conservatives that don't believe that Americans have a right to privacy or the right to fuck anyone that is willing to be fucked in whatever orifice they choose. And fuck that—what two (umm, or more) people do in their bedroom is up to them and Santorum should just pretend that they are in there reading the Bible together.
Which is the biggest part of the problem, for you see, Santorum has read the Bible (or at least part of the Bible), a book with a delicious mixture of mythology and fiction that rules (or depending on your point of view—ruins) the lives of many of its followers. And apparently the Bible says something about how two men lying together is an abomination, or something like that. I don't really know, it is all very confusing, and I have to admit most of what I know about the Bible I've learned from drunks in bars during those late night quasi-religious discussions—all of which are very hard to follow as the words tend to get all slurred up and the meanings get all twisted around. So, according to my drunk Biblical friends, if two men are laying down together then all God-fearing people are suppose to be upset about it and make sure that those abhorrent layer-downers-together-ers… err…know that they are all going to hell. Also, I've gathered from watching these Bible-thumpers over the years that they also apparently believe that they are suppose to repeatedly state this "fact" over and over again…although I'm not sure where in the Bible it commands believers to be utterly redundant.
As a side note, I don't think the Bible says anything about women who lay down together earning this special level of hate and the free ticket to hell, but the religious freaks seem to think that this is one of those special cases where women are permitted to have the same rights and privileges as men. Funny the how inconsistently they interpret their most holiest of holy texts. In this and many others ways it has become increasingly difficult to tell our religious zealots from their religious zealots and they are all starting to look like terrorists to me; but that's a side note on a side note.
Anyways, it also seems that the Bible is pro-slavery and anti-bacon and all for kissing God's ass. Unfortunately, I love bacon, I hate slavery and I'm not much of an ass kisser, even if that ass is attached to a lovely female. Although, don't get me wrong, just because I'm not an ass kisser, doesn't mean I believe that people shouldn't be able to kiss any ass that consents to being kissed. The Bible is also very pro-Jesus—at least the second half is—who actually sounds like a pretty right on d00d and from what I understand, a very very progressive person and truly one of the world's first full on hardcore hippies. However, as I understand it, Jesus is unlike most modern day hippies, as most of my bar buddies believe that Jesus practiced excellent personal hygiene. Again, that's one of the points where my lack of Biblical study makes this all very confusing.
Of course, Santorum is not confused. According to Santorum, Jesus gets very unhappy and sends everybody to hell when men lay down together, which makes no sense to me, because none of the hippies I've ever talked to have a problem with men laying down together. However, it would be difficult for Santorum (who hates progressives) to worship someone that is progressive, so Santorum just assumes that Jesus isn't a hippy and removes in his mind all the hippy parts of this Jesus tale. That allows Santorum to make Jesus his personal Lord and Savior. Or at least I think Santorum has. That seems to be the very in thing to do these days for those that belong to that vast right wing conspiracy, so I'm just assuming that Santorum has gone and gotten himself born again like all the other kooks running this country. Well all those kooks except for Cheney. I'm pretty sure that Cheney is Satan. But this whole born again stuff doesn't make a lot of sense to me as you'd think passing entirely through one vagina in your lifetime would be enough. Hummph…well, as long as the vagina he's being reborn through consents to rebirth, then it is okay by me. But I want to go on record as being against non-consensual rebirthing…whatever sort of kinky sexual practice it happens to be.
I suspect, like all them other born againers, Santorum is expecting his "moral" stand against everyone that has any fun what-so-ever to earn him a spot in Heaven (which has to be a very odd place and sounds quite boring.) But my gut tells me that Santorum who, like most members of Congress, is quite wealthy, has as much chance of getting into heaven as a camel does through the eye of a needle. I wonder if Santorum missed that part of the Bible too?
Anyways, I'm not the only person upset by Santorum's actions and remarks. My favorite columnist of all times, Dan Savage, has taken upon himself to redefine that word "santorum" as some sort of shit and lube mixture that is the result of anal sex. Not only that, but Dan has gone a created a web page to spread the word and get it in the OED. So you heard Dan, spread the word and if you have some consensual ass available and a bottle of lube, go make some santorum tonight…it is your patriotic duty because if you don't the terrorists have already won.