Build Date: Sat Feb 24 09:01:07 2024 UTC

Three words: LITERALIST FUCKHEAD DONUTS. You've been eating too many and you have literalist fuckhead jelly all over your literalist fuckhead face.
-- Mr. Bad

Monkey Business

Apes, apes and more apes... from the little ones to the great ones.

Pigdog Journal Articles

2006-02-17

The First Rule of Pillow Fight Club is...
... tell everyone about the upcoming pillow fight. It also helps to show up with a pillow and not to hit people without pillows. Much simpler rules than the movie version with the similar name, and a lot more fun. -- Baron Earl

2004-08-09

"Talking" Gorilla Learns to ask for Codeine
Koko the signing gorilla made history this week, when she underwent dental surgery for a self-diagnosed toothache. -- LiquorPig

2002-04-05

Monkeys Attack Girls School
In what has become apparently an annual ritual, a pack of ultra fundamentalist Monkeys, incapable of accepting Mankind's rise as the dominate species on the planet, has attacked a girls school in India, in an apparent attempt to thwart the education process with the ultimate goal of toppling our civilization. -- JRoyale

2002-02-16

What's Tjames Doing in Europe?
In a move that has baffled most major Wall Street and Defense analysts, Tjames has apparently invaded Europe, establishing a presence and even planting a flag. The analysts have all been stunned into silence and collectively provided no comments, while off the record "claiming" to have never heard of America's favorite usenet personality. -- JRoyale

1999-07-09

Monkey Spanks Investors
I've often felt that any idiot can make money on net stocks these days. As it turns out, most lower primates can do so as well. -- Sean Kennedy

1999-06-29

The Mandrill Who Came To Dinner
Gotta love PBS and its Nature program about mandrills. Fascinating to decode, too! "Delve into the mystery behind this animal's unique coloring..." (= Blue butt.) "Not much is known about how mandrills behave in the wild..." (= Toss feces.) -- Sean Kennedy

1999-06-15

New Study Warns Monkeys: Stop Listening to Orbital
A new study conducted by researchers at Johns Hopkins University spells out some bad news for monkeys who are into techno music and all-night raves. -- Tjames Madison

1999-06-08

Mandrills Create Their Own Web Site!
Those Goddamned Mandrills are at it again! And this time they've got a WEB SITE! -- Mr. Bad

1999-05-12

Get a Life, Get a Job
These dumbasses have not only been waiting in line to see Star Wars - Episode One - The Phantom Menace (Sheesh, could George have made that any longer?) for over a month and they still got nearly a week to go. All to watch a two hour movie that will play all fucking summer long. And they got gonads to put their silliness all online for the world to see. -- JRoyale

1999-03-05

World Network TV Premiere of Humiliating Monkey Movie
Perhaps there is nothing more ego-deflating in the world for an actor than having to do a movie with a monkey. I find it particularly pleasurable that even at the height of the mania about the 20-something TV show "Friends," the best that co-star Matt LeBlanc could get out of Hollywood was "Ed," a movie about a monkey that plays baseball. Haw haw haw! -- Mr. Bad

1999-03-01

Intel Uses Sock Mandrill as Shill to Sell Stupid New Chip
In other non-news today, Intel has made a desperate lunge at the young and hip in order to sell more of their SHITTY NEW CHIPS. Their ploy? A new animated television commercial featuring a red-assed mandrill made out of socks. HA! Like _that's_ gonna work. -- Mr. Bad

1998-12-20

Free Monkeys!!!
There's an old saying that says, "If you can't get them to laugh with a monkey, then, man, you should get out of the business." With that in mind, we offer you the latest in Web scams: the FREE MONKEY Web site. -- Crackmonkey

1998-11-25

Alligators Miss Late Night Snack
A 77 year old client for the Darwin Awards sleep-walked his way into a swamp filled with alligators waking up face to face with a 3 footer and surrounded by a dozen more of the big lizards. He was able to fight them off with his cane (which he apparently needs for sleep-walking) until help arrived and avoided becoming gator bait. -- JRoyale

1998-11-24

Perfidy Soars In Non-humans
That's right, infidelity is common in the wild with supposedly monogamous mammals fucking every chance they get. Damn, these animals act just like us humans and you can just about see them hanging out at the local "meat" market just waiting to bang some bitch and then heading home to the wife and 2.5 kids. With all of this "Monkey Business" going on, can it be long before the Moral Majority seeks to legislate the behavior of all "great" apes? -- JRoyale

Offsite links shared by staff writers

2011-03-12

2011-03-11

2003-03-13

Don Johnson's Pricey Ride
Is that 8 BILLION DOLLARS WORTH OF BONDS in your pocket or are you just happy to see the Swiss border guards? Don Johnson's pricey ride. -- Baron Earl

2001-02-10

Bite My Monkey . com -- El Destino

2001-01-02

Revolting, Yet Somehow Mesmerizing!
"Revolting, yet somehow mesmerizing!" This page has the best animated psychedelic mandrill butt on the Web -- BAR NONE. -- Mr. Bad

2000-11-06

1999-07-12

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

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