Celebrity endorsement impersonated

     
 

Ladies and Gentleman, I Have A New Hero
2000-12-19 18:32:41


Substance Recreation
 
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
-- Dean Martin

 

First off, I'd like to point out that Bob Crane was bludgeoned to death in 1978 in a motel room in Arizona. I just found out about this in the last 24 hours and it's having a really deleterious effect on my blood sugar level. Apparently there was porno involved, and blunt object trauma and all kinds of bad juju. But this is ALL OK, because I don't need Hogan anymore. I've got a NEW HERO, and his name is William Leonard Pickard Jr.

[Oh, hey, interesting factoid aside here: you know on "Hogan's Heroes" where Colonel Hogan would always get FREAKY with Colonel Klink's secretaries to get super-big military secrets? It turns out he was bangin' the secretaries for REAL! In real life! Big-breasted Helgas for Bob Crane, all over the place! That lucky dog. Too bad about the blunt object trauma.]

But back to TRUE AMERICAN HEROES: William Leonard Pickard, Jr. is this well-known drug policy expert from UCLA. He is like this big knowledgeable fellow about the Russian drug trade and all the bad things they did, and he's written papers and organized huge conferences and shit.

Well, let me change the tense here: he _was_ a policy expert, that is, until his grant ran out last fall. Then, he went on a RAMPAGE! He (allegedly) bought this crazy ABANDONED NUCULAR MISSILE SILO in KANSAS and made it into a gigantic LSD lab. He was putting out 10 million doses a month! (Allegedly) He converted the nucular silo into luxurious Mac Daddy ACID DEALER LOVE PAD, with a Jacuzzi and Italian marble!

Allegedly.

And THEN he got raided in November by the DEA, but he got away! He ran into the woods of Kansas, and evaded police for 18 hours! With like all these bloodhounds and INFRARED HELIOCOPTERS and gillions of big dumb DEA cops running after him. But then he got busted when some HAYSEED found him in a truck and turned him in. [By the way, fuck you, you fucking goody-goody KANSAS FARMER NOBODY! You don't deserve to kiss William Pickard's unwiped ass, much less turn him in. Gar!]

And THEN, he got all arraigned this month, and he got all these letters of support from crazy freaks around the globe. Like, the Zen Center of San Francisco and SF DA Terrence Hallinan wrote letters of support for him. And these wacko English Noblepersons Lord and Lady Neidpath, best known for their advocacy of trephination and such. They both have big drilled heads, and they love William Pickard! He is beloved by all!

This is just such a great story in so many ways. It's really what journalism is all about, covering the INTERNATIONAL NUCULAR SILO PLAYBOY ZEN TREPANATION DRUG DEALER PROFESSORS and their lifestyles and antics. It's a must-read for everybody. Go check it out now!

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

wunderbar@pigdog.org


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