Wizards & Bears & Crazy Hillbillies In Hotrods, Oh My!
2000-04-13 07:16:43

Crazy But True
You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.
-- Groucho Marx


Spring is finally here, and pretty soon, if not already you and thousands of other Pigdog readers will be packing up, and heading out on vacation. But where to go? How about a vacation that includes being chased by a crazy hillbilly in a rusty hotrod, armed with a machinegun?

Sure, you could go to Yellowstone, The Grand Canyon, or some other place that will be overrun with cow-like tourists who's only purpose in life is to make you totally miserable. Who needs that kind of frustration? Personally, I'll be going to Clark's Trading Post in North Woodstock New Hampshire, who give the maximum amount of bang for your buck.

Let's start off with the Russian clowns. This family of former KGB agents and informers dress up in funny outfits and makeup, then demonstrate their spying and torture techniques for your amusement!

After that, you are going to need to cool down. So how about a ride on The Old Mill Pond Water Bumper Boats? Careful not to get too near the mill entrance, or you might find yourself trying dodge the other ride, The Old Mill Pond Buzzsaw.

After a relaxing ride around the pond, you'll want something that will inspire awe in you and perhaps the entire family. Say no more. Merlin, after he got tired of dealing with that Scottish loser (is their any other kind?) King Arthur, moved to New Hampshire, built a house and settled down. Many centuries later, he and his house are part of Clark's cornucopia of entertainment. Enter and marvel as Merlin transports you through dizzying alternate dimensions, knocking on the doors of C'thulu, turning your world upside down. Wow!

After that, you probably will want to get away for a while. May we suggest a ride on the White Mountain Central Railroad? For about thirty minutes, you'll be transported through some of the most beautiful scenic landscapes found in New ?Hampshire. I should mention, that in order to see this, Ol' Clark had to build the railroad through the backyard of a crazy hillbilly family, who love nothing more than to shoot at the tourists from their vehicles with assault weapons stolen from local NRA members.

And finally you can end the day with trained bear show. Each show is completely unrehearsed. There's a very good chance that proprietor Murray Clark will be mauled to death. It'll entertain you, and teach the kids not to fuck with carnivores. Now that's family entertainment!

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

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