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Crazed Otters Terrorize Mankind
2001-05-17 18:11:49

Animal Rampage
It's important for us to explain to our nation that life is important. It's not only life of babies, but it's life of children living in, you know, the dark dungeons of the Internet.
-- G.W. Bush, Arlington Heights, Ill., Oct. 24, 2000


Otters! The latest in a string of bizarre and unexplained attacks rocks humankind. From Florida to Romania, one word is striking terror in the hearts of humans everywhere. Otters! Otters!

Dateline: Romania. An innocent fisherman in a sleepy hamlet hauls in a fish. The otters attack. The crafty mammal sneaks up on its prey, then sinks its otter teeth into his fleshy Romanian buttocks. Though the catch represented the biggest fish the fisherman had ever seen, the otter sprang its aquatic companion from the human captor, in an apparent them-versus-us show of solidarity.

It's a troubling development, conjuring nightmarish images: armies of otters rampaging through our wildlands, like some horrible campfire ghost story come true. It resonates on a primitive level, a surreal and haunting message about the inherent futility of man's aspirations. You hope, you dream, you plan for the future -- and then an otter bites you in the ass. You're realizing your pathetic small-town glory of lifting the largest fish you've even seen in your life from the local lake -- and then an otter bites you in the ass.

Pigdog's ongoing reporting of animal rampages has uncovered the disturbing pattern. (Otters!) From squirrels to skunks, seals to sqrats, the crazed animal uprisings in an undeclared guerilla war may now be signalling an escalation. " Crazed otter drowns fluffy dog" was only the beginning.

It all buttresses something Pigdog's editors concluded long ago. "The dirty little secret of the Animal Kingdom is that ALL ANIMALS HATE US.

"Even the cute ones. So watch your back!"

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.


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