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Sqrats: The New Rodent Super Weapon
1999-06-24 05:28:26


Animal Rampage
 
I could walk the half block to work and get crazy speed there, but that involves putting pants on.
-- Mediavore

 

Despite deep-seated mistrust and hostility, the two most powerful groups of tough, inner-city rodents -- squirrels and rats -- have formed an evolutionary alliance to secure their bailiwick of sewers, city parks and other public works, as well as to further encroach upon human territory and food supplies. For the first time in history, squirrels and rats have put aside their differences, deciding to MATE, in order to create a more deadly, hybrid "master" rodent race.

The offspring of the Squirrel / Rat axis, commonly known as "sqrats," have the heavy shag fur of the gray squirrel species, and the huge fangs and slimy long tail of the urban Norway rat. The new creatures have the agility and speed of the squirrel with the brute force of the rat. This gives the them the ability to spread pneumonic plagues and other diseases among the human population at an unprecedented rate.

The sqrats may originate in Boston, where recent construction on a new airport, entailing the breaking up of huge sections of nearby highways, could have caused millions of rats to move inland to urban areas. It is thought that rats and squirrels were forced to live in closer quarters than ever before. But nobody knows why the decision to form the axis was taken. Sqrats give the rodents a new offensive capability, enabling them to make significant territorial gains and achieve their so called "living space," or "Lebender Platz des Eichhörnchens und der Ratte" for both of the rodent species.

black squirrelAfter covertly taking control of the parks and public works of Boston, the sqrats have advanced into the sewer system and parks of New York city, where they have set up staging areas for brazen terrorist attacks against the local populace. The sqrats have completely taken over the parks in the Lower East Side. The rodent axis is said to be headquartered in an area known as "Stuyvesant Town," where there have been dozens of reports of sqrats, as well as "black squirrels," which are allegedly members of an elite rodent psychological warfare corps.

Sqrat!

Sadly, city officials, and the local and national press have taken little notice of the sqrat situation. And so far, the victims of the creatures have little voice or ability to defend themselves. A few New York residents, such as filmmaker Jason Marks, are attempting to alert the world about the dangerous situation -- Marks is writing a screenplay about sqrats to raise the public consciousness, but he's a weird filmmaker so nobody listens to him.

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

gable@pigdog.org


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