Confessions of an Amateur Pornographer
Porn Pet Peeves
Last Gasps of the Dying
Becoming XXX
Interview with a Stripper
Jed Sanders, America's Favorite
Literary "Pullout"
The Danny Letters
The Media is the Mess
Ultimate Sex Links
If Life Were Like Porn
The Spawning Pigdog
In the Thick of Things
Random Shit

"....hunching over two very excited women, shining a money light on their dripping private parts, I have to admit that the smell of their arousal got me harder than quantum mechanics."

IndentNow, in porn, the completed version of a sex scene rarely uses what's called "wild sound"--the actual sounds recorded during the filming or taping. Instead, the audio is usually dubbed over the action later, in post-production. That's why you'll often see a woman with her mouth stuffed full of cock apparently crying, "Oh yes! Give it to me! I want you to come!" and so forth. It's not ventriloquism. It's technology.
IndentSo, while the little blonde is busy swallowing Jim's eight-inch dick, her boyfriend is carrying on a conversation about her sexual preferences with the film cameraman, the producer and the makeup girl.
Indent"Great technique," offers my pal the producer.
Indent"Yeah," her boyfriend responds, "she can do that for hours."
Indent"So, where'd you find her, Zack?"
Indent"They put an ad in the Guardian and it mentioned they wanted to find somebody to make her fantasy about being in a porn movie come true. So, I gave them a call."
Indent"Yeah," the boyfriend puts in, "she likes it two-on-one."
Indent"Do you think there's too much reflection off her face?" the makeup girl asks.
IndentAnyhow, I'm on my knees, just out of frame, running the money light, as Jim did another one of his amazing countdowns to ecstasy and the blonde bounces up out of the frame on cue, as Jim spurts his third load of the day over himself and splutters, "But..but..but..!" And that's that and now it's on to the hot-tub scene with her boyfriend.
IndentI've been on the job for almost ten hours without a break now, and I have to re-rig the lights and find room to light the blowjob the little blonde gives her big bruiser, all the while staying out of the way of two cameramen, a sound recorder and the director.
IndentOn the edge of a hot tub.
IndentSomehow, we all manage. The boyfriend cums and, with Zack coaching her, the blonde takes his spunk on her face, then looks up at him with an impish grin and says, "That's a first! I've always swallowed your load before!"
IndentMind you, according to the script, they've never met before.
IndentSo, Zack has the sound guy shoot some simulated sex noises for later dubbing and forgets to shoot a close-up of the blonde saying the lines she was supposed to have said and it's a wrap for the night, some fourteen hours after the day began.
IndentTwo more days of this crap.
IndentThere's the buttfucking sequence in the living room, for instance. The Arnold clone still can't get it up. Three experienced porn stars spend almost two hours sucking, licking, rubbing and nuzzling his short arm, singly and in combination.
IndentNo dice.
IndentSo, this time, the video "artist" who's been running the Sony camera the past two days plays stunt cock as the Anglo-Korean girl unconvincingly demands, "Fuck my ass! Fuck it hard!" Meanwhile, I'm now on video camera, the producer is running the money light and the Arnold clone is sitting naked in a chair off to one side, feeling sorry for himself.
IndentCrazy, but true...Then there's the phone-sex sequence. Ugly girl, but, at the conclusion of her act, there wasn't a dry seat in the house.
IndentOr the obligatory girl-on-girl sequence with Rita Ricardo's prominent hemherroid peeking out from between her buns like a black grape.
IndentI must say though, I've never understood why most straight guys seem to find lesbian love scenes so irresistably sexy. It always seemed uninteresting to me. But, hunching over two very excited women, shining a money light on their dripping private parts, I have to admit that the smell of their arousal got me harder than quantum mechanics.
IndentThat was pretty much the only hardon I got that whole three days, though. The process of making porn just isn't very sexy, especially if you're twisted into a pretzel, holding a white-hot light in your hands and trying to simultaneously throw sufficient light onto moving parts, stay out of frame and not over-light the close-ups (because video cameras--particularly mid-1980's vintage, industrial-grade video cameras--have a tendency to "bloom," or record red-rimmed white dazzle spots, if skin is overlit).
IndentAs things burned down, the "video artist" dude spent six months sitting on the tapes and, when he was threatened with legal action, delivered an edit that kept the wild sound in every scene, followed no discernable story line and ran two-and-a-half hours.
IndentMy producer friend turned the source tapes into a 70-minute feature in two days. He eventually got his investment back, but it took him two years
IndentThe Schwartzenegger clone left the adult film industry after one more disastrous attempt to revive his sagging... reputation.
Indent"Jim" acted in another half-dozen adult movies. He was much in demand because of his recuperative powers and pinpoint ability to time his ejaculation, when he retired because his conscience was nagging him.
IndentThe little blonde never appeared in another film. Neither did the Anglo-Korean girl.
IndentI got paid $200.
IndentAnd I wrote a song about the experience.
IndentLife goes on.

Piss Off

Thom Stark is President of STARK REALITIES, a consulting firm based in the San Francisco Bay Area which specializes in integrating Internet-native technologies into existing business networks. He also conducts seminars and tutorials about the Internet at trade shows and for business and user groups. He is the author of the serialized online science fiction novel, A Season in Methven. Mr. Stark maintains a non-commercial website which focuses on IP internetworking technologies and policy issues.