or: What Is The Sound of One Hand Typing?
o I got this article, right. OK, let me break it to you this
way: trying to do an article about online porn is about as
futile as rambling on for 200+ pages about doing a bunch of
drugs and trying to find the American Dream in Las Vegas.
Sure, it makes for good reading, but so what? The American
Dream, like online porn, is usually found staring at you in
the goddamn face.
See, lookie here: I hop online right before I start writing
this, and what do I find in my inbox?
Date: Wed, 26 Nov 1997 04:59:07 -0500
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Staring at me, right there. How the fuck can you not
find porn online? Usually, I've found, it finds you! So why
am I wasting my time, writing this when I could be, at this
very fucking moment, getting blasted beyond belief, watching
marathon Doctor Who episodes, and maybe, just maybe,
having some sex of my very own. And why am I wasting your
time when you're probably already looking at porno, right
now, this instant?
Jesus Fucking Christ, man. Crazy fucking shit.
* * * *
The word went out, on the esteemed Pigdog mailing list,
that the next issue of the Pigdog Journal would be
"The Porn Appreciation Issue." I figured, hey, what
the fuck. Everyone's doing it, why can't I?
So, somehow Mr. Bad suckered me into writing a little ditty
about online pornography. Fine. That's cool. I can grok. RoR-ALUCARD
and all that good shit
One thing I decided pretty early on is that I'm not going
to do an all-encompassing documentary piece about it. Come
on. First off, I'm not Ken Burns, and writing a 3000-page
epic clusterfactiodfuckarama just isn't in my line. Especially
since PBS won't give me the funding, and USA Today probably
wouldn't bust a nut over it anyway.
Second, the last time someone attempted to do a catchall
about online porn, a certain nerdy student in Pittsburgh named
Marty decided to give the online world the biggest Rimm-job
in history, complete with falsified information, leading to
the single biggest legal threat to online speech, and a class-action
suit against the government to bring the piece of legal sewage
down, as it should have. So, fuck you Marty. Slowly. With
* * * *
I wouldn't be kidding anyone if I said I was a complete stranger
to porno on the net. Nope. My hard drive has quite a large
number of images culled from various sources, like certain
web pages or USENET newsgroups. But everyone has done it at
one time or another. Ask John Ramsey. Or Gary Glitter. You
can't help it. It's a natural thing to be attracted towards
images of genitalia. Everyone has a natural instinct to get
down and dirty, and barring that, look at it.
Take USENET. Please.
Going through the hierarchies of alt.sex, alt.binaries.pictures.erotica,
etc., etc., so on, and so forth, the amount of newsgroups
about sex, or with images of sex, is incalculable. That is
to say, I don't feel like counting the number of groups in
my .newsrc. Cope.
Take your pick. On the one hand, you have your alt.sex.personals,
on the other (for example) you have your alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.amateur.female.
Or whatever. All kindsa perversions, fetishes, pics, dicks,
chains, whips. DDs, dongs, and domination; cunt, cock sucking
and coprophagy. What can I say? And best of all, you don't
have to pay for access to USENET.
Problem is, there's all kinds of spam on it too. Sometimes
it's funny tho. I mean, coming upon a post with the subject
line of, "DO YOU WANT TO LIK MY PUSSSY??" (sic),
advertising "REAL GIRLS WHO WANT TO SUCK AND FUCK ONLY
FOR YOU," along with some photo lifted from Hustler's
website can give you a few good laughs. It's when you get
the same post 50 times in one day, posted under different
names, but with the same photo, that it gets a little annoying.
One thing thouse a web browser to inspect the photos
first (but even then this isn't perfect, depending on whether
the image is multi-part, or encoded in some funkyshit coding
that hasn't been used since 1989), since there's nothing quite
like inspecting the goods before filling up hard drive space
and realizing the pics aren't that damn good.
* * * *
And speaking of the web...
The grand majority of porno on the net seems to be on the
web these days. Understandable, tho, since most net activity
is also found on the web as well.
The problem is, the grand majority of web porno is also for
pay. And bollocks to that. I mean, come onI already
pay for web access, God damn it, I don't feel I should have
to pay extra just to look at some beaver shots. If the whole
purpose of the web is to provide free access of information
of any kind, why do these cocksuckers think they can get away
with charging me, either directly or through scam services
like AdultCheck, for the privilege? Horseshit.
One interesting thing, tho, is the live interactive strip
show or sex show. Yes, that's rightsites with people
getting it on through the magic of digital cameras and webcasting.
And I guess this is cool, except, of course, most people don't
have an ethernet connection running out of their house/apartment,
even with ISDN prices coming down the way they have been.
So, if you're running out of your house with a 33.6K modem
or less, you'll probably be disappointed.
On the other hand, there are, too, homemade amateur free
sites. People out there who feel worthy enough of baring it
all for our enjoyment, and not charging anything for it. The
con there, tho, is that usually, these are the sorts of people
who probably should not be taking their clothes off under
any circumstances. One notable exception, tho, is http://www.tubetop.com/.
This is worth it, even if Brandy does take 50 million years
to update the damn thing. And if she didn't reply to me for
an interview for this article. Dammit.
Still, you won't regret it.
* * * *
Possibly the most interesting avenue for porno, believe it
or not, is IRC. Here's where you meet the All Types.
A quick overview of channels on any given server includes,
"#gaydadsonsex," and "#!!!!!!!!!!!!!!swingerfistfuck!!!!!!!!!,"
or whatever. And sometimes, you do even get spammed on IRC,
and sometimes it's worth it. Once I even got a username and
password for one of those "Live Interactive Fuckfests"
on the web. It worked too. And no, you can't have it, I already
used it up, along with probably about 20,000 other people.
Right before I started this thing, I hopped onto IRC in
the grand hope of getting some good material for this piece.
Of course, the minute I get onto a server, I get:
*hotcunt_* Come to where the action's at! http://www.hotchix.com/!!
See you there big boy!!!!!!!
Wonderful. Mental note.
I decide to do a quickie check of people who are logged
in in my area, through checking local ISPs and universities.
I see someone on #teensexpics named JillianK who's in my area.
Well hey, what the fuck?
I talk to her for a bit. Yes! Another revolutionary in the
war against for-pay-fucksites on the web! She's much more
into talking and trading sexpics on IRC. So she asks me my
I tell her. I return the question.
This chick's 15.
Fifteen!!! Jesus Harold Christ on a fucking bike with
a dildo up his ass, man, I'm trading sex pics with a 15-year-old
girl! I feel like Danny Chan or something! I mean, fuck, yes,
I looked for porno when I was 15 too, but since when I was
15 there wasn't any such thing as IRC for any real practical
purposes, so I was left to my own devices, rummaging through
my father's magazines (mostly softcore like Playboy,
but with the occasional treasure like Cheri or Puritan)
when nobody was looking. But here's a high-school chick, probably
just barely gained her pubes and tits trading with other perverts.
Yes, kids, the net is a wonderful thing sometimes.
* * * *
It's like I saidyou can't hunt for porno. It used to
be true. Back when Rimm-job was doing his thing, he claimed
that a 10-year-old could stumble upon pornography on the net
within 5 minutes of logging on.
A couple grad students and I tested this theory. We spent
three fucking hours before finding one nudie pic, and that
was only one that happened to be on Howard Stern's site. Boy,
I woulda liked to have met this 10-year-old, and get some
searching tips from him.
But these days, it finds you. You can't resist. Don't fight
it. You know you want it.
As I'm completing this: that one I got, cited at the beginning
of this piece? I got it again. From a different username.We're
all succumming (sic) to it. Just go along with it. You know
you want to.