Confessions of an Amateur Pornographer
Porn Pet Peeves
Last Gasps of the Dying
Becoming XXX
Interview with a Stripper
Jed Sanders, America's Favorite
Literary "Pullout"
The Danny Letters
The Media is the Mess
Ultimate Sex Links
If Life Were Like Porn
The Spawning Pigdog
In the Thick of Things
Random Shit
Honey, where's my workout video?

Porn and the Spawning Pigdog

by Master Squid

There are many stages of porn. Before covering the Spawning Pigdog, I'll cover a few classic stages that outline a typical male porno-evolution:

  1. Finding a topless calendar in the garage under a case of books. (5-7 years old)
  2. Finding Hustler magazines and adult bookstore paperbacks in the recycling bin at the Presbyterian church (7-10 years old)
  3. Hiding Playboy, Penthouse, and other magazines in your fort, hoping the rain doesn't ruin them and the teenagers don't steal them (8-12 years old)
  4. Buying your first Penthouse over the counter (16 years old)

    At that point, maybe the young man in question sneaks a few peeks at some old Super-8's, or if he's lucky, manages a decent VCR-VCR copy of a Traci Lords video from his buddy's dad's collection. Then the kid goes off to college, or moves in with some friends. Inevitably, someone's apartment is The Porn Stash. We have the next few stages:

  5. The Playboy collection dating to 1968
  6. Sex-toy catalogs
  7. First visits to topless wrestling matches
Are your lips always that glossy, or are you just
	    happy to see me? Next, if he's lucky, the kid is getting laid left and right. It has nothing to do with all the porn he's been ogling for the last 10 years, except for the fact that he KNOWS what he's supposed to do, as if some ancient genetic imprint told him how to muff-dive. But it's not genetic. It's Xaviera Hollander. While not exactly realistic, the good old "Letters to the Editor" are always inspiring, leading young men to dive where they've not personally dove before.

Porn can be very different for the dating man. Some men use it as a poor substitute in times of no sex (sex with partners, that is). Some use it as a play-thing with their partner(s).

But, once you get married... Hmm, how should I say this. Uh, well, you know, getting married changes you. It doesn't HAVE to, and in some cases it doesn't, but in most cases, it certainly does. Now, you may be able to keep that kinky flame alive for a while, but then WHAM, she's pregnant, and you've got a kid on the way.

So what's a spawning Pigdog to do? I'll tell you, downloading pictures of naked pregnant ladies doesn't get me off. I've got a real pregnant lady in the next room. With a wife and a 2 year old, I certainly don't want anything embarrassing to pop-up in my Netscape Navigators history box.

There are a variety of technologies that seekers of porn use in order to feed their desires illicitly. These include, but are not limited to:

Delivery Methods:

  • Plain Brown Wrapper (magazines, videos)
  • P.O.Box (magazines, videos)
  • Internet, BBS (images, video, text)

The discriminating Spawning Pigdog has all those choices! But let's get real... most of the above have some REAL problems, if the Spawning Pigdog is to avoid detection by wife and children.

Plain Brown Wrapper. Hell, this method gets delivered to your HOUSE! Even if you have it sent to the office, you aren't fooling anyone.

"Victoria's Secret isn't porn, unless you're busted by your mother-in-law while staring at it."

P.O. Box. How are you going to convince your wife that you need a P.O. Box? OK, let's say you have a home business. Great. Once in a while your wife is going to say "Honey, I'm going right by the post office, should I check the P.O. Box?" and you are going to stumble and freak out that she may discover your secret.

Internet, BBS. This is getting somewhere. Everyone has a telephone, and an Internet account is very common. All you need is a computer to view it on. And thanks to death-trap competition, prices are getting more affordable by the day!

So now you have some porn. Where are you going to hide it so the kids, Biffy and Muffy, aren't going to find it?

Storage Methods:

  • Closet, under folded old pants that no longer fit (magazines, videos)
  • At work, in a locked cabinet or drawer (magazines, videos)
  • Garage, behind an old case of Pennzoil 10w-40 (magazines, videos)
  • Hard Drive (electronic porn)
  • ISP account (electronic porn)
  • Web Browser Cache (electronic porn)

Closet. You can always try the old hiding spot, just under some old (read: "infrequently moved") clothes. Two things wrong with this one, pal. Kids HUNT through their parents stuff. I did, and I'm sure you did too. So either they are going to find it, or your wife will find it when she decides to give all you old clothes to Goodwill.

Keeping it at work. WRONG. look at me: WRONG. You'll get canned for sure.

Ask for it by name.

In the garage, behind the Pennzoil. Well, your daughter is unlikely to find it here (but is it worth betting on?). But the son will definitely find it. Between that and environmental issues such as dirt, grease and humidity, your skin flicks and mags will be worthless in months.

Hard Drive. You can keep it on your computer! Yes, assuming you have a computer, this location is nearly IDEAL. You can hide is sufficiently either using local security (UN*X, NT), hiding it down many directories or folders (all systems), or creating an encrypted ZIP file (for the truly paranoid).

ISP Account. You can also leave it on your Internet Service Providers disk, but this requires a shell account (rarer and rarer these days), and there is typically an exceedingly limiting quota. In addition, you'll have to pull the data across AGAIN.

Browser Cache. Lastly, for images, you can let your browser cache them. This will keep the images out of the prying eyes of others, as long as you make sure to disable the History function of the browser. This is vitally important!

Finally, there is a way to avoid getting busted altogether. No, I'm not talking about re-writing history and turning your wife onto porn so that she is actually INTO it. I'm talking about re-wiring your brain, so you can see porn in other, gentler media.

So Porn is what you make of it. Victoria's Secret catalogs aren't porn, unless you're busted by your mother-in-law while staring at one. Exercise videos aren't porn, but you still don't want to let your wife catch you staring at the VHS case too long. And you better watch out when you are downloading Babylon 5 images from alt.binaries, as that cross-posting to can get you in trouble.

Squid's a real sick man.

Fig. 1 "Exercise videos aren't porn."

Real porn and the Spawning Pigdog exist in different universes (at least with this pigdog). But nature abhors a vacuum. So little by little, the Spawning Pigdog gets his porn. A little bit here, a little bit there. It hasn't gotten so bad that common fruits and vegetables increase my pulse, so I'm OK for now.

I better get back to my research.....