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I am completely drunk ... Surprise, Surprise, Surprise...
-- Johnnie Royale
Canadia Sucks
In fact, chances are that you found this web page because you typed "Canadia" into a search engine. Subconsciously you already believe that the country to the north of the United States should be called Canadia. Thank you for seeing things our way.
For those of you who went to public school in the U.S. and haven't heard of Canadia before, it's a small, third-world country just north of the United States. Once you learn to understand their peculiar dialect of English, it's not too hard to converse with Canadian natives.
Canadia is a poor and sparsely-populated country where up to 98% of the citizens are alcoholics. Most Canadian citizens have government jobs where they are paid to say "Eh?" all day long.
OK, here's the inside explanation for all of you Canadians who have, by now, worked yourself into a seriously indignant, perturbed, and self-righteous Canadanista fury:
There's an American stereotype known as the "redneck". A redneck thinks all foreigners are scary, threatening people who are out to overthrow America. A completely looney redneck would think that Canadians are a threat to the American way of life, when in fact Canadians have a hard time threatening beavers. By appearing to attack Canadians, we're actually making fun of an American stereotype -- fearful of outsiders, poorly educated, and patriotic to the point of stupidity. We're poking fun at Americans.
The fact that Canadians completely fail to understand this is an endless source of amusement to everyone on Pigdog. The flaming letters to the editor all wrapped up in Canadian patriotism -- complete with tales of hockey, health care, Molson beer, and Canadian peace-keepers -- are as unintentionally heart-warming as they are hilarious. It's hard to imagine that that kind of heartfelt innocence still exists these days, because here in jaded America, it doesn't.
Sweet, innocent Canadians, we salute you!
Pigdog Journal Articles
2022-05-18
The self-proclaimed Queen of Canada Romana Didulo, who claims that she secretly runs Canada "behind the scenes," recently issued royal decrees to abolish Canadian income tax and declare that water and electricity in Canada are now free of charge. She also told her 70,000 Telegram followers to stop paying their utility bills.
2003-05-21
Canadians test sick cow's head after aging it for three (3) months. Surprise! It's your favorite, and certainly mine, BSE. I guess good things come to those who wait. Things had been slow on my beat anyway.
2003-01-31
For nearly a year and a half, people around the world have taken it on faith that the Sept 11 attacks on the United States were perpetrated by Saudi terrorists under the direction of one Osama bin Laden. Only now does the power of the Internet allow the necessary research to be completed, proving once and for all that Sept 11 was perpetrated by the only nation more evil than the Dutch: Canadia!
2002-07-20
It's no wonder the women of BC are in a bad way. With the men preferring dogs in panties, and women being barred from the Men with Books club, it's understandable that the ladies are feeling a little insecure. But that's no excuse for turning on each other, girls.
2002-05-28
Armed with drooling end-user software, Canadistas are dirtying the internet with anti-American / pro-Canadian web filth.
2002-05-24
Recently Pigdog has received many letters from readers who are apparently puzzled and upset by our regular coverage of the mysterious nation north of our border, Canadia.
2002-04-17
The message is clear: if you're a raisin, stay the hell out of Canadia.
2002-03-21
Canadia claims a separate, oh-so-unique Canadian culture. Then they flop for the RIAA, their legs in the air...
2002-03-21
As long-suffering readers of the PDJ know, there is something dreadfully wrong with our northern neighbor, Canadia. Most civilized nations would have long ago diagnosed their own cultural paranoia, social malfeasance and general lack of significance, but not Canadia - which as you've probably already guessed - is filled with Canadians. No, Canadians are instead quite proud of their little commune in the tundra and in fact can get down right nasty defending that caribou infested nation.
2002-02-28
Nobody wants to be prejudiced. But sometimes you can be biased and not even realize it. I think many Americans are biased in this way against Canadians. I never really stopped to think about it, but I myself used to be this way. I guess I thought that Canadians were "stuck-up" — you know, smarter and better cultured than us. But then I got educated about Canadia.
2002-02-18
This is what happens when you live in the bleak and boring hinterland of Canadia: "Hrmm... I need something to do. I think I'll start a cult! Yeah! And then... I'll clone my favorite people! Yeah!! And the cult ladies will bear the foetuses. Tres cool! This should keep me amused until the next thaw, or until our alien masters return."
2002-02-15
Notorious sore losers Jamie Sale and David Pelletier, who have plagued airwaves and talk shows with their complaining and whining, were finally thrown a bone on Friday with the awarding of a "special lifetime achievement" gold medal for bitching, kvetching, and poor sportsmanship.
2001-12-22
Canada has assured a worried US State Department that, despite recent indications to the contrary, it does not plan on attacking Iraq. The denial puts a lid on widely circulating rumors, mostly in my head, that Canada had been devising a stealthy sneak attack on Saddam Hussein involving the use of a small fleet of rickety commercial fishing boats and thousands of 64 oz. jugs of maple syrup. And possibly hovercrafts.
2001-08-09
So far our nation has been safe from wiener imports from the Socialist regime to the North, but recent developments in the Red Leaf Empire have unveiled secretive chemical weapons tests being conducted on Canadia's unsuspecting citizens!
2001-05-28
For the past decade, we have pined for the Red Planet. But we lack the necessary Cold War impetus to drive us there. Our Capitalistic state now considers the cost to be far too egregious, but another totalitarian socialist regime has seen fit to plan a mission to Mars -- Canadia!
2000-10-23
For some time it may have seemed as though it were Pigdog Journal editorial policy that Canadia is Bad. Considering that this is the Online Handbook for Bad People of the Future, some of us aren't sure if that's a Bad thing. Or a Good thing. Or... whatever.
2000-06-05
By now, everyone and their younger brother have either seen or heard about the infamous and misleading “I Am Canadian” ad put out by the Molson Piss-Water Company. It’s now time that the public know the truth.
2000-05-10
It says it right there in black and white, or whatever color that's supposed to be. Right there on the web, anyway. Those filthy Canadians are at it again. "I am Canadian," a little javascript doohcikey announces, "because The UN rates us #1, sorry US."
2000-05-10
Frankly, I just wanted to use that headline for something. I didn't have anything to go with it, so I looked around and found this story about Bryan Adams, the kind of story that makes you think, "Ick, Bryan Adams!" So now I can use this headline!
2000-04-10
We all use Canadian English every day: when we order a pizza "all-dressed", hope to get a "seat sale" to go south during "March break", or "book off" work to meet with a "CGA" to discuss "RRSPs." The above jibberish comes from a web page promoting the "Canadian Oxford Dictionary," an attempt to subvert our cherished English language with stupid -- and sometimes perverted -- Canadian-isms.
2000-03-10
Normally, when a Pigdog Article contains a factual error, the author is beaten savagely and dropped in a vat of rabid sqrats and no one mentions their name again. So I'm posting a retraction in hopes of living. A Canadian from Canadia told me the truth about Poutine, and he may have just saved my life.
2000-03-07
Okay, I'm lying. But George W. Bush did embarass himself by falling into the satire-trap of a Canadian satirist.
2000-02-21
People come to me all the time and they say, "Mr. Tjames, Canadia is trying to fight us! They're coming with bombs and guns to take over our American style of freshness!" And I pat them people on the head and I say, "No, no; Canadians aren't evil, and they're not coming down here to put karate all over us. They're just really dull is all. It gets confusing."
2000-02-17
The sneaky maple leaf government, under the innocent guise of public art, is trying to spread its kinky brand of perversion through out the Free World!! Starting with it's own Parisian Culture Centre, in the Heart of Darkness...PARIS, FRANCE!
2000-02-08
Canadian Magician and Servant of Satan Doug Henning is now attempting an ancient escape act so unique and dangerous that only one other performer has successfully succeeded in performing it over 2000 years ago!
2000-01-29
So, you should check out this little film, eh. It's all about the history of Canadia! It's only about 20 seconds long, eh, because Canadia has a dumb history!
2000-01-11
Well, apparently some institute or other has finally proved what I've believed all along: Canadia is a land teeming with disgusting female perverts of every stripe and hue. Is anyone surprised by this?
2000-01-05
Damn! I was all depressed and hungover after this Y2K thing happened. Life just seems not worth living when you have a chompanyah hangover and civilization is chugging right along as usual. Then I found out that evil Canadia is doing much EVIL in the world! Beaujolais! Canadia-bashing is my favorite sport! So I have something to live for!
1999-12-20
The Vancouver Sun is currently running a list of the "Top 100 British Canadians," that "amazing array of visionaries, scoundrels, activists, artists, entrepreneurs, writers, athletes and scientists (who) built British Columbia and gave us an identity." Meanwhile, Americans located south of the Provinces read the list and breathed a hearty sigh of relief that we weren't born Canadian.
1999-06-16
It wasn't bad enough that Canadia had to go and invent circus peanuts, Tim Allen and that "Are You Being Served" show on the television; now they're claiming that they were the big leader of dropping bombs on the Yugoslavia.
1999-06-13
So, does anyone remember that Burt Reynolds movie where he plays an old fat retired safe cracker who comes out of retirement for one last heist? He takes this young dirtbag type under his wing as an apprentice to his "art" and later they rob some weird carnival...
1999-05-21
Reacting swiftly to the current Canuck rage for torturing and humiliating river-dwelling fish, Canadian officials have charged an American TV fishing show host with what is believed to be the first ever case of "Fish Molestation" encountered on the North American continent.
1999-01-03
Hot on the heels of the previous Canadista story comes the discovery of another PRO-CANADIA FANATIC CELL on the Web! This is what the CDA was for, people! To keep CANADIAN EXTREMISTS from polluting our infosphere.
1998-12-30
Our team of sooper seekret reconnaissance agents here at the Pigdog Sooper Seekret Canadia Reconnaissance Team have discovered the main cell of the Canadista uprising! The smarmy Canucks have even gone so far as to leave their plans up for public view, and we bring you this information in the hopes that it may save red-blooded American lives!
1998-11-30
Just in time for the holidays, Canadia, our delightful neighbor to the north, invites all patriotic North American continentals to do their Christmas shopping online at "Canada's Shopping Mall", an apparently state-sponsored skinny dip (and what isn't state-sponsored in the Great White North?) into the murky waters of USA-style commerce.
Offsite links shared by staff writers
2002-07-27
God Bless Canadia and the important discoveries being made there
2002-06-18
2002-05-16
2002-02-12
Egregious misconduct on the part of Olympic judges has dashed the gold medal dreams a pair of young hopefuls. But, since they're Canadians, everyone's laughing and calling them shitbags. Ha!
2001-05-14
2001-03-15
2001-02-23
The .ca Domain is for CANADIANS! (Oh yeah, and Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Second and her successors.)
2001-01-17
The Right Honorable Lester Bowles Pearson announces the new flag of Canadia. "May the land over which this new Flag flies remain united in freedom and justice; a land of decent God-fearing people."
2000-10-01
2000-07-30
2000-06-12
Survived Half-Life? Fragged your way through Quake 3? OK, you might be ready to help save humanity from Canadians, the ultimate horror.
2000-06-08
t.uz/suxx even links a picture of a BREAD COMPUTER.
2000-05-09
2000-05-08
2000-04-27
2000-03-24
Adopt a retarded Canadian maple leaf. Fuck, don't ask me.
2000-01-05
Look on the Heart of Darkness and despair! It's Canadia's Asbestos Institute, shadowy poison-mongering puppetmasters of the Frozen North!
1999-07-26
1999-06-11
1999-05-30
Canadian chyx are, like, all liberated and shit. But they still put out.
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