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Microsoft to Move to Canadia?
2000-04-29 10:25:58


Canadia Rocks
 
If I ever need to get rescued by a group of toddlers and a man with a yellow purse whose only extraction plan is to quickly eat Tootsie Rolls, just let me explode with the god damn plane.
-- Sean Baby

 

In an exclusive interview with the Pigdog Journal, a former Microsoft employee divulged that to avoid a break-up of Microsoft, Bill Gates may just move the entire company, buildings, employees, and all, to Canadia*<.sup>.

I was talking with another new employee here at the hot little dot-com startup where I work. He had just moved down to the Bay Area from Redmond, where he'd spent the last eight years working for Microsoft.

"Bill Gates will never allow Microsoft to be split up," he told me, "he and [Steve] Balmer will move the entire company across the border to Canadia* before they let that happen."

"Microsoft does have twenty-five billion dollars," he paused for affect, "in CASH. You can do a lot with twenty-five billion dollars."

He's right too. You CAN do a lot with twenty-five billion dollars. If you decide that you don't like the way the U.S. Government is treating your company and you have twenty-five billion in cash, there's no reason why you couldn't just pack your bags and move to Canadia.

Most Americans will be surprised to find out that Canadians have their own government and their own laws -- they do NOT obey U.S. laws! This loophole in the legal system could be exploited by Bill Gates to wiggle out of any break-up of Microsoft decreed by U.S. courts.

Microsoft's annual revenues would almost double Canadia's gross national product. The tax revenues generated would be enough to supply every Canadian citizen with an extra six-pack per day, and that's AFTER hefty tax breaks which Bill Gates is sure to squeeze out of the Canadian government.

The Pacific Northwest can look forward to a debilitating blow to its economy as Microsoft pulls out and moves north across the border, crushing everything in its path.


*<.sup>Canadia is the proper spelling for a country where the people call themselves "Canadians". If the country's name was spelled "Canada," then the people there would call themselves "Canadans." Since they call themselves "Canadians", it's only reasonable to spell the name of their country "Canadia." After all, people from Germany don't call themselves "Germanians" do they?

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

sadist@pigdog.org


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