Build Date: Tue Oct 22 17:50:11 2024 UTC
Do you understand the words coming out of my mouth? I doubt it, but I still keep trying.
-- Head Freezin' Gene
Microsoft to Move to Canadia?
2000-04-29 10:25:58
In an exclusive interview with the Pigdog Journal, a former Microsoft employee divulged that to avoid a break-up of Microsoft, Bill Gates may just move the entire company, buildings, employees, and all, to Canadia*<.sup>.
I was talking with another new employee here at the hot little dot-com startup where I work. He had just moved down to the Bay Area from Redmond, where he'd spent the last eight years working for Microsoft.
"Bill Gates will never allow Microsoft to be split up," he told me, "he and [Steve] Balmer will move the entire company across the border to Canadia* before they let that happen."
"Microsoft does have twenty-five billion dollars," he paused for affect, "in CASH. You can do a lot with twenty-five billion dollars."
He's right too. You CAN do a lot with twenty-five billion dollars. If you decide that you don't like the way the U.S. Government is treating your company and you have twenty-five billion in cash, there's no reason why you couldn't just pack your bags and move to Canadia.
Most Americans will be surprised to find out that Canadians have their own government and their own laws -- they do NOT obey U.S. laws! This loophole in the legal system could be exploited by Bill Gates to wiggle out of any break-up of Microsoft decreed by U.S. courts.
Microsoft's annual revenues would almost double Canadia's gross national product. The tax revenues generated would be enough to supply every Canadian citizen with an extra six-pack per day, and that's AFTER hefty tax breaks which Bill Gates is sure to squeeze out of the Canadian government.
The Pacific Northwest can look forward to a debilitating blow to its economy as Microsoft pulls out and moves north across the border, crushing everything in its path.
*<.sup>Canadia is the proper spelling for a country where the people call themselves "Canadians". If the country's name was spelled "Canada," then the people there would call themselves "Canadans." Since they call themselves "Canadians", it's only reasonable to spell the name of their country "Canadia." After all, people from Germany don't call themselves "Germanians" do they?
T O P S T O R I E S
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
'Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch'
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
SF Hippies Can't Get Their Act Together
The annual 420 Hippie Hill event in Golden Gate Park, where large crowds of hippies, wannabe hippies, and hippie poseurs drape themselves in tie dye t-shirts and gather on a hill on 4/20 to smoke weed, was cancelled this year because the organizers couldn't get their act together. (More...)
Mozart to be inducted into the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame
Joining such hard-rocking inductees as Abba, Chet Atkins, Nat King Cole, and Neil Diamond, the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame is proud to induct Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
The Deep Dark Underbelly of the Star Wars Myth, or Ramayana Remembered
It's a fact: Star Wars is a blatant plagiarism of an ancient Asian legend, and the long lines of devout Star Wars freaks are really unscrupulous Asian copyright busters. From Indonesia to Thailand to Nepal, videos are available for sale or rent before they're even released in the US and UK due to this nerdy camcorder-clutching bunch. (More...)
During a magnificent sunny day in a fast receding autumn, the Spock Science Monitor reporters once again blew the playa dust off of their computers and covered the 2002 Burning Man Decompression – held every year just east of Portola Hill in beautiful San Francisco. Both an afternoon and evening issues were released to the unsuspecting crowd of freaks attempting to in some small way experience the euphoria of the playa – if but for a brief afternoon far from the desolation of Northern Nevada. (More...)
Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)
Johnnie Royale's Guide to Wakes
Wakes can present problems for Bad People of the Future. (If you don't know what a BPotF is, you need to read more of the PDJ.) Sure, your friend is gone and you miss him and that really sucks; it does, I know. But all Bad People of the Future are gonna die, and they have all accepted that fact. They do deserve, however, to have one final kickass party to celebrate all the bad things they've done in the past, present and future. And you, as a friend, have to make sure that their desire for a final send off is well executed (sorry for the pun). That's just the way of BPotFdom. (More...)
A Blast from the Past! Pao Tzu goes over and under the crucial variables in the production and consumption of Salvia Divinorum. A must read for psychonauts of all stripes. (More...)
40 Acres, a Mule, and a Crummy 90-Second Spot on Weekend Update
Consider the plight of the Black Man. The Black Man on "Saturday Night Live," I mean. Has there ever been a more pathetic thing than a token unredeemed for 28 years? Where is the NAACP when you really need them? (More...)