Build Date: Wed Jul 23 13:00:34 2025 UTC
Hehehehe. Funny you should mention nitrous tonight...
-- Johnnie Royale
QUIT Etoys.com!
1999-12-15 11:48:23
So, if you haven't heard already, there's a big hullabaloo about online toy retailer Etoys.com. They are the undisputed Kings of SUCKASS! They took the crazy Krafwerkian eurotrash art group etoy.com to court for having a name SIMILAR to theirs. Let us punish them with ELECTRONIC FRONTIER JUSTICE!
I pointed out the similarity between their names earlier this year. The shitty thing is that by all the previous standards, etoy.com should be able to KEEP their name. They got on the Web in 1995, two years before the toy company. They BRILLIANTLY decided to get a trademark on their name. And, they've held onto the name through several InterNIC challenges.
But etoys.com are typical EBUSINESS SHITHEADS who will stop at nothing to accumulate more USELESS REAL ESTATE for their stupid online toystore. People like this are the reason the pages of "Upside" should be coated with contact poison! I'm serious!
Because check this out: etoys.com went to a JUDGE and said that the art group was abusing the etoy.com brand, and therefore was hurting the ETOYS.COM brand. And the brain-dead judge bought it! GodDAMN! What a fucking MORON! I wouldn't let that judge arbitrate my DRY CLEANING BILL!
Anywho, that's the basics. Just remember: etoys.com is bad. etoy.com is eurotrash Dieter bald guys, but basically OK. If you want more info, there's lots of good stories that go into this deal in a lot of detail, like:
Now, the important thing is this: what are WE, Bad People of the Future, going to do about it? There's a lot of people that are writing complaining LETTERS to the etoys.com execs, but I doubt those ultratan LA Lexus folks read their own email. AND, most of the letters that I've seen excerpts of say things like, "YOU ARE THE MOST DUM!!1! STOP IT!!@!" which doesn't really serve to convince a CEO to retract their lawsuit.
There's other folks who are calling for a BOYCOTT of etoys.com. Again, that's a good idea in theory, but seriously: when you think about it, the set {Eurotrash artist etoy.com supporters} and the set {AOL-using grandma etoys.com customer} have a TEENY WEENY intersection. Etoys.com isn't going to go out of business from lost sales to artists, Webzinesters, freedom activists and hacker d00ds. It just isn't going to happen.
And, the thing is for an Internet company, who CARES how much sales you have? It doesn't matter in the SLIGHTEST if a dot-com makes a SINGLE GODDAMN DOLLAR or sells a SINGLE "Toy Story 2" collectible figurine! Dot-coms don't care about money! They throw it away by the bucketload!
BUT, there IS one natural resource that's more precious than gold to a Web exec, and that's PROGRAMMERS. Web developers, production engineers, software gurus, system admins are REALLY FUCKING DIFFICULT to find and hire. This is a GIGANTIC CRISIS for Web dickwads and "Upside" readers that they fret over a lot. If they don't have engineers, they can't put up dumb new features on their stupid Web sites, and if they can't put up dumb new features they can't get their stock to increase, and if their stock doesn't increase they all go BROKE and HOMELESS and have to EAT the BOILED LEATHER UPHOLSTERY of their LEXUS SUVs!! It's HORRIBLE!
So, the BEST THING that YOU can do to convince etoys.com to drop this stupid lawsuit is to QUIT your SHITTY JOB THERE. Let's just assume that you work at etoys.com for a second. First, if you've been there for more than 10 minutes, you can TOTALLY find another job with another Web company. It's SPECTACULARLY EASY to find Web jobs right now. You will PROBABLY get a 25% increase in salary if you jump to another company. I don't know why! But that's the way it works! It's really fucking great.
If you quit your job at etoys.com, I, Mr. Bad, will personally help you find a job. There are BUNCHES of people like me out here who want you to quit and will get you a good gig somewhere else. DO it, d00d!
Second, it's a chance to show that FUCKER Bob in Marketing that he can't push tech guys around any more! All those ASSHOLES and SUITS and FAKE MOTHERFUCKERS who wear polo shirts and act all EFFICIENT and GUNG HO to your face, but then turn around and CHEAT you on your stock options and DOPE SLAP the Web community that made you and them what you are -- man, FUCK THEM! Fuck ALL of them! Fuck them over HARD! Quit your job, let all their dumb retail ecommerce gar gar gar blaggity-blah programs go CRASHING to the GROUND because you're not there to fix them. It's EASY. You'll have a BETTER JOB within a WEEK. HAR!
Third, this is probably your ONLY CHANCE to ever quit a company because of something you believe in. It's your time to WALK PROUD, programmer-guy-or-gal! In a grand tradition of protest and freedom, you will STRIDE with the GIANTS! This is your moment in the sun, the time you'll look back on and say, "I stood up for something. I made a difference. And it was really easy and painless!" Won't that be GREAT!? Won't you be just the KING of your local geek crew!? Your grandchildren will admire you! Slashdot will PROFILE you. It's just the BEST.
Now, I know what you're saying: "I don't work for etoys.com." Well, fucking DUH. Go tell a friend who DOES work there! OR, go to the Jobs@eToys Web page and APPLY for a job, THEN, when they tell you to come in for an interview, tell them to go fuck themselves with an ARMY BOOT! Do something TODAY, because we have to tell etoys.com and all the other INTERNET ENTREPRENEUR BASTARDOS that they can't build an economy based on computer geeks and then BETRAY every principle that those geeks hold dear. It just CAN'T HAPPEN. We can't let them DO IT! Use the leverage you have as a Web genius and DO SOMETHING NOW!
[Also: if anyone knows the real name of the asshole in Marketing -- and I know there is one -- send it to me so I can add it to this story, eh?]
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
The Ancient and Correct Sake Ceremony
Many Americans have learned to appreciate the delicate, sophisticated flavors of Japanese food and drink, along with the beautifully refined rituals of Japanese dining. San Francisco, as a gateway between East and West, has especially benefited from the flowering of Eastern consciousness in America. It is hardly possible to walk down the street without stepping on somebody's sushi. (More...)
Johnnie Royale's Guide to Wakes
Wakes can present problems for Bad People of the Future. (If you don't know what a BPotF is, you need to read more of the PDJ.) Sure, your friend is gone and you miss him and that really sucks; it does, I know. But all Bad People of the Future are gonna die, and they have all accepted that fact. They do deserve, however, to have one final kickass party to celebrate all the bad things they've done in the past, present and future. And you, as a friend, have to make sure that their desire for a final send off is well executed (sorry for the pun). That's just the way of BPotFdom. (More...)
Songs Of Love And Special Things
Well, dear reader, there's no denying it: Spring has sprung. The air is pungent with the fertile aroma of Romance. And you know what goes with Romance, don't you? That's right, Lover, porn. And not just any porn, but the kind you can sing along to. (More...)
My dear and close friend, Porn Maven Shannon Mariemont, sent me a titillating message the other day about her new project: the PornOrchestra. Her desire, at most, is to reinvent the porn soundtrack and, at least, to receive a cease-and-desist order like all her cool friends did last year. (More...)
We here in SMRL's Beverage Research Lab realize that there is more to life than just drinking spocktails. It's important to have other activities. One such activity that we wholeheartedly support is dancing six or more hours to Trance music. So we have designed a drink to accommodate this. (More...)