A Long, Hot, Kim Rollins Summer
2001-06-17 12:47:45

The Rollins-Shipley Crisis
fuck you very much with a gun.
-- rotten elf


She's skinny, she's sassy, and everyone's watching her. Today avid Pigdog Journal readers came forward with racy sightings of Seattle's favorite former web diarist.

Nearly three years after Miss Rollins closed her online journal, her presence lingers in the web-journaling community. "Right before my wedding, I dreamed that my fiance ran out just before the ceremony, and just so I wouldn't feel bad, Kim Rollins stepped up and agreed to marry me instead," reads one online post. Now unsolicited pointers flow into Pigdog's sekrit headquarters, leading scandal-hungry readers to Kim's past and current lovers.

As an appetizer, there's Kim's 49-item wishlist on (Miss Rollins' summer reading list includes The Rotenberg Collection: Forbidden Erotica -- "already purchased" -- and I'm Okay, You're a Brat -- again, already purchased.) But more importantly for Pigdog Journal's ongoing Kim Rollins coverage, a helpful Pigdog reader has also specified which of the six Amazon users on Kim's "friends" list she's actually romanced....

Sure enough, link upon link, plus a search engine, leads to web pages where they're posting information about their adventures with Kim. "I was in love with Kim Rollins," writes a 35-year-old software engineer with a six-figure income, "like probably half the other geeks on the web still are." The Tivo employee, formerly at Apple, goes on to outline a typically-complicated Seattle-style relationship. ("She doesn't love me... It's my fault for breaking up with her.") The comments appear on a web page titled "Me Me Me" (mememe.htm)

Stray details from his journal entry in March of 2000 also include pointers to an online forum where Miss Rollins was sighted dispensing relationship advice. In 1998, Miss Rollins left her fiance and boyfriend of nine years for another man -- so she evidently couldn't resist weighing in last Spring when a poster complained about the way some people end their relationships. ("Don't ya just love it when they can't be bothered to tell you they're unhappy before they decide to leave?") Kim's lengthy reply is documented with everything from links to a 17th century poem, to a story from The Onion. ("Apartment Full Of Jesus Stuff Brings Date To Screeching Halt.") Below the personal statement are two additional responses offering Kim's unique perspective on past relationships. "The dead don't stink if they're promptly embalmed."

"I wish I had read that before I went out with her," the software engineer posts on his page.

So where is Kim now? Since early May, she's apparently been dating a 28-year-old ex-boyfriend of notorious web-journaler Karawynn. Karawynn had described him to Kim as "cuddly" -- "while holding her arms around her as if to describe some enormous girth on my part." The actually-not-so-cuddly reporter, formerly employed by Court TV, jokes that Karawynn's description made him sound like a hobbit.

Miss Rollins' new love interest comes complete with his own Wil Shipley-style facial hair, albeit with a Seattle faux-goatee. (Re-load this CGI script to see a meaningless montage of images.) Now he's become the latest participant in Seattle's mysterious dance of Love. "I've made many stupid mistakes, and come awfully close to fucking everything up," he reports in his web journal. (Does everyone in Seattle have a web journal?) "But it still seems to be working," he writes. For all the curious readers out there in web-land, here's how he's describing their current relationship.

"The hobbit is happy."

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

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