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Swastikas and Maple Leafs and Hosers, Oh My!
2002-03-07 22:32:49


We're Professionals, Dammit!
 
Please don't hurt me!
-- Nick Moffit

 

Pigdog Journal gets a lot of email these days from Canadians displeased with our ongoing effort to inform the world just how much Canadia Sucks. It's pretty much the only thing the entire PDJ editorial staff agrees on... which is staggering considering that we normally have fistfights over trivial issues like who ate the last chocolate-covered old-fashion donut in the Break Room. It is also a rare day that a PDJ staff meeting doesn't end with automatic weapons fire. Trying to get agreement on anything in the staff room is worse then herding a pack of psychotic free-range feral cats.

I suppose it is not surprising that Canadians find the PDJ stance difficult to stomach, as Canadians are used to either being completely ignored by Americans, or in the case of our whacked-out and totally marginalized ultra far left, idealized as the world's perpetual Citizenship Award winners. Thus, PDJ's clear and consistent posture - that everything north of 54'40" bites - must come as quite a shock to many a hoser. I'm sure that most of the Canadians that read our site leave it enraged, only to ponder the meaning of our words for days and weeks, until it finally sinks in and they realize that in fact the PDJ was right and Canadia does indeed suck major donkey dong.

However, before this enlightenment occurs, they sometimes feel the need to send the PDJ Editorial staff a note trying to explain how it is the PDJ that sucks and not themselves or their ridiculous little "country". These are usually pretty hilarious attempts by barely literate people who shouldn't be allowed near a keyboard and only reinforce my determination that all 30 million Canadians need to be sent to reeducation camps and pistol-whipped into reading the PDJ until they admit that Canadia sucks moose dick.

This morning, before I'd had enough coffee to cut the sleep-induced fog that comes with my ritual "nightcap," I read what must be the clumsiest and most hamfisted email we've received in a long time, which I will now share with you:

I suppose you want me to swear at you or somthing because of all the stuff you say about my country. But I know you'll just use it agienst me so i gotta better idea. TAKE YOUR SECTION ON CANADA OFF YOUR WEBPAGE OR I'LL EXERCISE MY FREEDOM OF SPEECH BY VIRUSING YOUR SITE AND SPAMMING YOUR COMPUTER WITH UNWANTED CRAP! i sent this e-mail on March 6th, you have untel the 9th to comply. O and one more thing, i dont care if you make dun of me grammer of spelling.

Someone@Canadia.Com

Since "Someone" has already commented on his own grammar and spelling, I won't waste any time there. I will marvel at his attempts to silence one of the web's leading journals, one that places a premium on Free Speech and Free Press and hell - Free Everything - since last I checked we aren't charging anyone (or even Someone) for reading this swill. You are all here of your own "free" will and if you don't like what you are reading then: STOP READING. Duh.

Still, Someone has a rather strange understanding of Free Speech. First of all, Canadia doesn't have Free Speech. In fact, it is my understanding that Canadia is still a colony of Mother England and all Canadian have to bow and kiss the Queen's big fat ss and do whatever she says. All because she was born as the queen or some sort of nonsense. I don't really understand all this royalty crap and I'm surprised Canadian's are still putting up with it after 400 years of mismanagement. But hey, if they want a queen... whatever, just don't blame us for your dumbass choices.

And even if the Queen permitted Someone to speak freely, in the United States, the home of Free Speech, the deal is that Free Speech is for Everyone, not just Someone. So if Someone doesn't like what Everyone or Anyone (for that matter) is saying, that's just too fucking bad. Surely Someone can use their Free Speech rights to try and make counter arguments. However, as I'm sure Someone quickly discovered, it is impossible to prove that Canadia doesn't suck (mainly because it does).

Well, Someone, you're not the first ASSHOLE to try and censor the PDJ and FUCK YOU for trying. We're not the roll over and surrender kind of people. So if you want to try and suppress our ideas, be prepared to be talking to one of them strange ass Canadia Mounties - because if you attack us, we will track you down (we already have your IP address) and use whatever legal methods exist to get your intolerant and non-free speech loving ass tossed in jail. And a word to the wise, Someone, I hear that Canadian jail buggery is worse than American jail buggery because you're all a bunch of very experienced buggers up there.

So bugger off and die, eh!

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

wunderbar@pigdog.org


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