Build Date: Sat Apr 20 13:10:08 2024 UTC
I'm opting out for no particular reason than to just be difficult.
-- Johnnie Royale
Cyberbilly Thanksgiving Traditions
1999-11-24 21:00:39
Gluttony, family infighting, and monumental sloth -- these are all traditional Thanksgiving values that the cyberbillies of Spock Mountain Research Labs hold dear to our hearts. We hope you, too, will share these heartwarming cyberbilly Thanksgiving traditions. Think of it as Martha Stewart gone horribly, horribly wrong.
- Genetically-enhanced Cy-bur-Turkee (TM) with multi-faceted insect eyes, 8 drumsticks/tentacles and a built-in video screen to see if the stuffing's cooked
- Sqrat races
- Watching 8 hours of Hillbilly Robot MegaFootball on the wide-screen hologram TV
- pumpkin-flavored martinis
- Bonghits in the bathroom with your cousins just before dinner
- "Turkey day" MST3K marathon on Comedy Central
- Cranberry-yage sauce
- Keeping warm and cozy by Burning All GIFs
- Bobbing for smart drugs
- Emailing virus-laden "Hapy Thanksgiving!" animations to clueless Windows users
- Toasting marshmallows on the Tesla coil
- Squash lager
- Sam Donaldson's Thanksgiving Sing-A-Long Holiday Banjo album
- Sweet potatoes glazed with molasses and trucker speed
- Ritual vomiting-for-distance onto cloying Norman Rockwell prints
- Listening to Uncle Jake's drunken rambling stories about eating 30 lbs. of raw bear meat on Thanksgiving of '08
- Pilgrims-and-Indians porn
- Mashed Spock-a-tatoes and Hyperwhiskey gravy
- The traditional cyberbilly grace prayer: "Good food/Good meat/Good God/It's MOVING!!! That damn thing's STILL ALIVE! Boys, get my LASER RIFLE, and QUICK!"
- A hangover as big as all outdoors
T O P S T O R I E S
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
SF Hippies Can't Get Their Act Together
The annual 420 Hippie Hill event in Golden Gate Park, where large crowds of hippies, wannabe hippies, and hippie poseurs drape themselves in tie dye t-shirts and gather on a hill on 4/20 to smoke weed, was cancelled this year because the organizers couldn't get their act together. (More...)
Mozart to be inducted into the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame
Joining such hard-rocking inductees as Abba, Chet Atkins, Nat King Cole, and Neil Diamond, the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame is proud to induct Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. (More...)
Gary Busey definitely involved in a hit and run accident
Gary Busey was definitely involved in a hit-and-run accident, but won't face any charges because he's rich and famous. (More...)
Gary Busey allegedly involved in Malibu hit-and-run
"Sir! You hit my car! I need your information!" the woman yelled at Gary Busey driving a battered Volvo station wagon before he sped off. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Australian Troops Set for Days of Debauchery to the Tunes of Kylie Minogue
This weekend Australian troops in East Timor will be able to put their feet up and push all the images of mass graves and charred remains from their minds as they relax to the giddy melodies of Kylie Minogue - including exclusive unplugged performances in the militia-ravaged and blood-spattered border towns of Balibo and Suai. (More...)
There are two kinds of Assmen in this world. Wild, hairy assmen, who put stickers that say things like "Why Be Normal?" all over their trucks and drink Corona beer and wear fezzes at parties for attention; these are the Assman Desperados. Our job is to ferret them out and expose them. (More...)
Pao Tzu: Obtaining San Pedro Cactus
Horticultural clone master, Pao Tzu, guides you through the ins and outs of stealing hallucinogenic cacti from your neighbors' yards. Ooh la la! (More...)
Paranoid Strippers & Psychotic Crack Dealers (Tales of Christmas Eve)
Christmas day, for the last 17 or so years has bored me. I find that the real fun and excitement always takes place on Christmas Eve. Every other year, it's the excitement of the metaphorical hunt instead of the kill. Otherwise, it's just plain bad craziness. (More...)
A Day in the Life of a Beverotologist
It was starting to look like a very boring Saturday, trapped as I was in the suburban wastelands of the outer Bay Area, so I called my Able Assistant (AA) and proposed that we perform some Spocktail field tests. For some time I've been working on creating the quintessential cinematic beverage and even tho' SMRL does most of its testing during nocturnal hours, this seemed an opportune time to roll up the sleeves of our labcoats and get some science done. While the beverotology creation tested this day (The Neurotoxin) must be deemed a success, this article focuses more the journey of the experimenters, rather then the science of beverotology. (More...)
Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)
