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Gluttony, family infighting, and monumental sloth -- these are all traditional Thanksgiving values that the cyberbillies of Spock Mountain Research Labs hold dear to our hearts. We hope you, too, will share these heartwarming cyberbilly Thanksgiving traditions. Think of it as Martha Stewart gone horribly, horribly wrong.

• Genetically-enhanced Cy-bur-Turkee (TM) with multi-faceted insect eyes, 8 drumsticks/tentacles and a built-in video screen to see if the stuffing's cooked
• Sqrat races
• Watching 8 hours of Hillbilly Robot MegaFootball on the wide-screen hologram TV
• pumpkin-flavored martinis
• Bonghits in the bathroom with your cousins just before dinner
• "Turkey day" MST3K marathon on Comedy Central
• Cranberry-yage sauce
• Keeping warm and cozy by Burning All GIFs
• Bobbing for smart drugs
• Emailing virus-laden "Hapy Thanksgiving!" animations to clueless Windows users
• Toasting marshmallows on the Tesla coil
• Squash lager
• Sam Donaldson's Thanksgiving Sing-A-Long Holiday Banjo album
• Sweet potatoes glazed with molasses and trucker speed
• Ritual vomiting-for-distance onto cloying Norman Rockwell prints
• Listening to Uncle Jake's drunken rambling stories about eating 30 lbs. of raw bear meat on Thanksgiving of '08
• Pilgrims-and-Indians porn
• Mashed Spock-a-tatoes and Hyperwhiskey gravy
• The traditional cyberbilly grace prayer: "Good food/Good meat/Good God/It's MOVING!!! That damn thing's STILL ALIVE! Boys, get my LASER RIFLE, and QUICK!"
• A hangover as big as all outdoors

lurid@pigdog.org