Build Date: Wed May 21 10:30:19 2025 UTC
I hope you had an orgasm, because you just lost your balloon.
-- Scott
First WebTV, Now WebVan
2000-01-28 15:30:33
Man, the people of earth want to use the Web! It's crazy! First they put the Web on the television machine with WebTV, and now people are using this here Webvan thing to get the Web brought to their house. Beaujolais!
Now, I haven't used Webvan at all, so don't take this as, like, gospel or something. But I've seen plenty of these crazy Webvan trucks going around the City, and I've talked to some friends who've used it, and I think I understand how it works.
The deal is that you contact these WebVan guys at webvan.com, and you schedule like a one-hour window when they will come to your house, kinda like SuperShuttle. The van comes, which is like a little small corrugated panel truck like you see all the time delivering beer, except it's got "WEBVAN" written all over it.
You get in the back of the truck, and then they drive away to go pick up or drop off other people. While you're in there, they drive around, and you get to use the Web. They must have some Ricochet modems or something, because OBVIOUSLY you can't be dragging, like, twisted-pair cable behind one of these things. That'd be ridiculous!
I haven't seen the inside of these things much, but it looks kind of uncomfortable, since there aren't any windows or anything. BUT people LOVE the Web, so I can imagine that it's worth it for some folks. From what I've heard that have all these health-nut snacks that you can chomp on in big plastic buckets. But no beer, because, like, DUH, you're driving around in a van. Even if it wasn't illegal, you'd probably collapse from heat exhaustion in the back of those trucks after just a couple of Heinekens. You'd go into convulsions and shit. Which is too bad, because I mean, BEER is the best part of using a computer.
Anyways, these WebVan guys are savvy goddamned businessmen, you know? They get the same essential clientele as a cybercafe or something, but NO REAL ESTATE OVERHEAD! No rent, no expensive bathrooms or property taxes or even janitor guys! They just drive their customers around in the back of a van like illegal immigrant lettuce pickers or something! Dying of heatstroke and NO BEER! And they're PAYING for the privilege! Then the Webvan guys hose the truck out at the end of the day, and beaujolais, you've got a BUSINESS MODEL!
Personally, I woulda thought this would never work, since it's so disgusting and dehumanizing and stuff being treated like cattle in the back of an 18-wheeler. And EVERYBODY's got a computer now anyways, right? But I see TONS of these Webvans driving all over the place, so it must be good business. God bless these guys. Go check it out!
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Report from Spiritual Machines
Arkuat gives you the inside scoop on the "Spiritual Machines" panel and conclave. Wacky excitement ensues! (More...)
Our team of crack journalists went insane, and made the drive from Concord, California to Concord, New Hasmpshire on Interstate 80. Read the insightful observations of our intrepid travelers made on their journey into the heartland. (More...)
It's not like I have a heroin problem, see. I'm just a self-indulgent brat who likes to live beyond her means. When I zip down to my corner Money Mart for a little cash-till-payday loan, I'm really not planning to spend it on drugs. I'll spend it on sushi. Seventy bucks of interest for a two-week $400 loan is perfectly reasonable, if you really need that hamachi. (More...)
"Gee, I wish I was older."
"So do I." (More...)
The Ancient and Correct Sake Ceremony
Many Americans have learned to appreciate the delicate, sophisticated flavors of Japanese food and drink, along with the beautifully refined rituals of Japanese dining. San Francisco, as a gateway between East and West, has especially benefited from the flowering of Eastern consciousness in America. It is hardly possible to walk down the street without stepping on somebody's sushi. (More...)
An innocent trip to the Central Market resulted in a severe attack of arachnophobia (and a meal) when a depraved street kid set her vicious pet spider on an unsuspecting shopper. (More...)
