OK, so by now each and every one of us has seen the new
Star Track movie featuring little blond Analkin Skywalker
guy. And, like, people who worry about this kind of stuff
are already ruminating and declaiming about who'll play
Angry Young Man Analkin in the NEXT Star Track movie, "Star
Track II: Search for Spock," in which Analkin'll be about
20-someodd and swashbuckling around with his light sabers
and killing clones on planet Gwelf and vigorously
impregnating the Queen of Naboo (a planet, not a deviant
practice) with many little tow-headed babes and commiting
other such pirate misadventures in the Movie! Event! of the
Year!, said year being of course 2002.
Obviously, people involved in this kind of like speculation are
notoriously dim and unoriginal, and they go down their lists of possible actors
starting with the most nauseatingly-popular and overpaid and then kind of work
their way down until they get even like a 1st-order possible match like it's a
game of Concentration and that's pretty much going to be the man that George
Lucas will tap for the part, "insider sources say."
All right, so anyways going through this process little ANALKIN is BLOND. AND
world famous MULTIMILLION DOLLAR chicken-porn star LEONARDO DICAPRIO is also
BLOND. Therefore (sound of gears churning) LEONARDO DICAPRIO will soon
be the NEXT DARTH INVADER! CASE SOLVED!
Now, some people may say that Leonardo is not the man for the job -- he's not
ruthless or tortured enough, and he probably will be hard to convince to get
his hair done in that Daly City flat-top-with-a-rat-tail haircut that all the
Jedi Knights in Episode 1 have.
But not me: I think he'd be just fine. Hell, the man's a FREEMASON!
He knows a little something about EVIL SEKRIT SOCIETIES and taking over ENTIRE
PLANETS and like that.
But! I have to pose this question to you: he may be able to GET the job, but
can he DO the job? Is he the BEST POSSIBLE Analkin Skywalker that George Lucas
can tap for the part?
Long time Pigdog Journal fans are right with me here, and they're saying, "NO!
Entirely NO!" Why? We know why: because there's only ONE man who's swashbuckly
and vicious and blond-browed enough to COMPLETELY EPITOMIZE BLOND
PLANET-CRUSHING EVIL. That man, ladies and gentlement, is Jake Busey.
The bad part about all this is that, due to some of Jake's family's enemies in
the entertainment business who've been keeping him down, George Lucas may not
even CONSIDER Jake for the part. Which would just be a dying shame.
This is where we come in, folks. WE THE PEOPLE. Because this is going to have
to be a grass-roots effort to get the BEST ACTOR for the JOB so that we can get
our BEST ENTERTAINMENT DOLLAR VALUE at the BOX OFFICE in the year 2002.
As of this very SECOND, I am starting a letter-writing campaign to GEORGE LUCAS
himself to INSIST that Jake Busey be considered for the part of Analkin
Skywalker in the next Star Track film and threaten a high-profile NATIONWIDE
BOYCOTT if our demands are not met! The PEOPLE! United! Can ne-ver be
de-feated! Sing it with me here, people!
The name of the letter writing campaign is "Give Jake a Chance." How can you
help? Send a letter expressing your views to George Lucas, c/o LucasFilm, Inc.
Below is the link to LucasFilms website. Use it.
