Build Date: Tue Aug 11 15:00:13 2026 UTC
Real happiness, in politics, is a wide-open hammer shot on some poor bastard who knows he's been trapped, but can't flee.
-- HST
Goths vs. Dieters in the Streets of Montréal
2002-05-25 07:34:06
Fucking hell. It's like the mind-bending last-war apocalypse in "The Prophecy" movies or something. I dunno what I'm gonna do here. I'm trapped in the street between Goths and Dieters and fucken Christopher Walken is going to bite off my head like a radish. I should just give up and get washed away in the tide of blood.
So, here's the deal: next weekend, May 31st-Jun 2, is the big MUTEK festival in Montréal, My Home Town. OK, so, it's not really My Home Town, but it's where I live for the moment, and, hell, I haven't had a home town for a while, so this is gonna have to do. And, yeah, I am constantly afraid and fearful that some mob of potbellied Sale and Pelletier fans are going to find my address and come kidnap me and burn me on one of those big X cross things. I think about this shit.
Anyways, MUTEK is this gigantic dieterfest of epic proportions. Men with Dutch accents and tiny octagonal wire-frame glasses will be descending from all corners of the globe onto this Kerbecky village to make disturbingly atonal 100-megawatt musical arrangements with a pair of tweezers and a faulty capacitor for the express purpose of removing all the fun from electronic culture. There will be tweaky burble-and-squeak music booming from every open window and sewer grate, and bizarre non-dancing by those unable to make digital Photoshop laser-show filters on their own.
But meanwhile, ACROSS TOWN, is Convergence VIII, the biggest Goth Festival in the world, which has cruelly chosen the SAME WEEKEND in the SAME TOWN for their Mystick Aggregationne. You can tell it's a goth festival, of course, because of the Roman numerals. So there's ALSO going to be a lot of unpleasant stoop-shouldered tousle-haired boys in trenchcoats and ruffled shirts, and maudlin speed-freak girls in velvet gowns and leather collars, all clumping into little bitch circles to shoot evil-eye glances at each other and worship Satan to the soundtrack of "Valley Girl."
I am DEEPLY TROUBLED by this course of events. Montréal is a strong town, and could probably weather an invasion of either one of these groups on its own, and given a few years to recuperate, might even be able to survive the next wave. But having both on the same weekend, in a not-really-that-big area -- could any city stand it? Is there a town so strong? I think not.
What's going to happen when the DARKE POWYRS of the goth infestation starts conflicting with the TECHNICAL MAYHEM of the Dieter critical mass? When the first pomo TECHHEAD accidentally bumps into a bondage-geared CRYPTIE and refuses to give a flowery apology in Medieval Provencal, instead delivering a footnoted lecture deconstructing the semiotics of remorse? With this kind of CONFLICT of PARADIGMS, how can a BEIRUT-STYLE COMBAT ZONE of quadrophrenic Rocker-Mod street combat fail to erupt?
Of course, both camps will be HEAVILY ARMED, which is the greatest danger. The dieters are bound to unleash their arsenal of X-ray LASER-CANNONS and ELECTROMAGNETIC PULSE cluster bombs, while the SPOOKY PEOPLE will of course make PENTAGRAMS out of INFANT BRAIN MATTER and invoke DAEMONS and CREATYRES of the NYGHT to strike down their ennymies. The skies over Mont Royal will be LIT by EPIC PROXY BATTLES of battle drones and WYNGED DRAGUNS while on the ground skinny people in strange garb throw LONG-ISLAND ICED TEAS in each other's pasty mugs.
And me! I'll be stuck in the middle, just trying to make it past the SMOKING BARRICADES and CRATERS filled with of OPALESCENT BLOOD to get to the corner depanneur and buy a 40 of Labatt's Extra-Fort 10% before 11PM. Dodging enraged MINIMALISTS in cargo pants and bile-flinging WYTCHES to try to get to the so-called safety of the little hole I call home. When an ACID-SPITTING ROBOT meets a BALROG, who will win? Who can say that anyone will be the victor -- that we will not all, somehow, lose?
I have given up hope and started stockpiling water and poutine against the coming destruction. I know it will do no good, but what does it matter? We all must find a way to fiddle while the city descends into madness. Good luck to you and may the gods preserve you all.
T O P S T O R I E S
John Dvorak has passed. I’m of mixed emotions. First off I’m more positive about his contribution to the overall technology journalism of the early PC days through the 90s, despite how many things he got wrong. He was a firebrand and commanded attention. (More...)
America's National Recording Registry Inducts Culturally Significant Artist - Weezer!
America's Library of Congress calls them "defining sounds of history and culture" and "audio treasures worthy of preservation for all time based on their cultural, historical or aesthetic importance in the nation’s recorded sound heritage." Ladies and gentlemen, I give you... Weezer! (More...)
The Crossroads are real and The Blues is a place; The enduring myth of Robert Johnson (More...)
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)
Skunk School -- Learn Why Not To Keep Skunks As Pets
There is an alarming trend in pet purchasing habits this fall. People inspired by the WWII film, "Life is Beautiful" -- the one with that annoying Italian guy -- are buying descented skunks by the millions. (More...)
Our man Daemon Agent checks out the heavy heavy sounds of crazy space surf rockers Man or Astroman?. (More...)
Brother Wayne Lays Down the Truth
Flesh interviews Wayne Kramer of MC5. (More...)
Poor Metallica. All they want is to continue to put out the same weak "Heavy Metal" they've been churning out since the "And Justice For All" days? and make gooey wads of cash in the process. The problem is, people aren't buying their bound for the heavy metal scrap heap, over-produced, uninspired, tired crap. And let's face it, their various commercial endorsements won't pay for the lifestyle they've become comfortably accustomed to. Resorting to lawsuits makes perfect sense, when you need spending money. But just one lawsuit isn't going to pay their bills. So, to aid Metallica, I've composed an open letter to the boys in the band, with suggestions as to whom else they might sic their lapdog lawyers on... (More...)
The Liquidation of Hobo Junction
Albany, CA's homeless hooverville by the Bay, "Hobo Junction," is going to be torn down by The Man. Entrances are already being blocked off, and it's now difficult and dangerous to get there. Worse, these obstacles are making it hard to get to the nearby HORSE TRACK on foot. Local historian, Pao Tzu, has an overview of situation. (More...)
