Boy, Congress thinks of everything! They added this great
section to the recent big-socks education reform bill that
protects against discrimination. Specifically, they protect
fagbashers from discrimination! Yay! This way, you can
have your own anti-homosexual group and be guaranteed your
Okay, the cool thing about how Congress works is that tons of shit gets tacked
on to bills. This is known in politics as "being a sneaky lying motherfucker
who deserves to be curbstomped". An example of this is the amendment Jesse
Helms just put into an education reform bill, which automatically strips
federal funding from any school that denies any youth group access based on
their views of sexual orientation.
It's specifically designed for the Boy Scouts, of course. Here's the deal
about the Boy Scouts:
I was a Boy Scout, and I'm very happy I was. I went to camp, learned a lot of
things, learned politics and survival and swimming, did social things, and it
was all good. I grew a lot from it. I think most people who were in the Boy
Scouts had similar experiences.
But the Boy Scouts are also a major pillar of the tacky Disneyland-looking
structure that is the Church of Latter Day Saints. The LDS church is really
big on Boy Scouts - it's very scary how intensive they are about it. The LDS,
they're not so big on smoking pole, and they have a lot of clout in the Boy
Scouts. So they push the Boy Scouts into banning homosexuality. I assert
that, except for the Mormon troops, no one really enforced or cared about the
homosexuality thing. In fact, there was a lot of protest and anger when Fawn
Featherstone, head fucker of Mormon Boy Scouts (and high muckety muck among the
LDS and the BSA), tried to lay his fagbashing crap on the kids. They shifted
uncomfortably, they wanted to walk out, and they sure didn't believe him.
But Jesse Helms is just as much of a tarantula-headed nogoodnik, and is intent
on combatting "the organized lesbians and homosexuals in this country of ours."
Obsess much, Jesse? I hate to tell you this, but North Carolina's upside-down
pink research triangle ain't exactly going to back you on this.
Um, am I rambling? I'm almost done, honest.
So, a lot of schools are not okay with the Boy Scouts' policy of discrimination
against gays. The BSA can't change it, because the Mormons have them by the
purse-strings. Instead, they put pressure on Congress to save them. Congress
does this is in the most blind fashion possible.
And now there's a really dumb law, coming soon to a theatre near you.
So, I know that a good number of our readers are still in high school. Guys,
here's what I'd like you to do. Go to your clubs group thing and start a club.
Call it the "Short-sighted Government Guaranteed No-Gays" club. The purpose of
the club should be, specifically, to ban homosexuals. Threaten your school
district that they'll lose funding if they don't allow the club! And let them
use the classrooms! And, uh, let you jump up and down on the tables! And make
them buy you pizza!
Then start being real assholes about it. Demand to put up signs in the quad
that say "We Like To Discriminate Against Gays And You Can't Stop Us" and,
while you're at it, "Punx Not Dead" and "Fuck the Police". And if they take
down the sign, sue the fuck out of them!
And tell your vice-principal that Pigdog sent you!