Celebrity endorsement impersonated

     
 

Vampires are killing our homeless people!
1998-11-12 00:55:00


Bad People
 
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
-- Henny Youngman

 

Dear Police, Media: Thanks for telling us that we had an evil vampire slasher stalking the streets of San Francisco, slitting the throats of homeless people, drinking their blood, and painting occult symbols around the crime scene. Are there any OTHER slashers we should know about still out there? Would you bother to tell us?

What really scares me is the fact that really horrible things are going on all the time, and the police and the media don't even bother to report them. There's all sorts of "Jack the Ripper" type killers and stuff, probably roving around in your own neighborhood, but you'll never know, until maybe it's too late...

The media only tells us about these kinds of things when (if?) the police actually catch these freaks. I guess so that the police look good, or not to "panic" us...? I don't know.

One time, a fucking BOMB went off right outside my girlfriend's apartment. It VAPORIZED one of those large metal "fortress" payphones. All that remained were some small metal chunks. The police zoomed in and sealed off the whole street during their investigation. One of the them said that the bomb was likely to have been set off by remote control--perhaps wired to explode when someone called that particular phone!! Think about that the next time you hear a payphone ringing!

I kept looking all week for a story about this bombing to show up in the news somehow--at least in the police sheet--but there was NOTHING! If people are setting big bombs off in Berkeley, I want to know about it!

And if there are vampire slashers walking around killing homeless people all the time I want to know about that too! Apparently, that's exactly what's been happening...

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

hapsburg@pigdog.org


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