Build Date: Wed May 21 10:20:18 2025 UTC
'Chicken Soup for the Woman's Soul'? Deal!
-- Miles Standish
Earth Days Were the Worst Days - Now We Drink Champagne When We're Thirs-tay
2000-04-20 17:13:45
So, if anything in the world exemplifies the complete cooption of the environmental movement by nicey-nice milquetoasts and corporate stooges, it has got to be Earth Day. Blargh! Earth Day is the stupidest thing ever! FUCK Earth Day with a big sharp stick, is what I say.
Some time in the early 90s (oh, those heady times -- how we laughed!) some genius decided to revive the weird 70s single-event festival of Earth Day as this big annual event. I dunno what the deal was. At the time -- you may remember -- people were brimming over with renewed environmental consciousness, and were twisting the nipples of their elected representatives to get stuff like regular curbside recycling pickup and dolphin-safe tuna and bike lanes and all kinds of stuff like that. People were ANGRY and the world SUCKED and so maybe there oughtta be a Earth Day, is what somebody figured.
But almost immediately, if not sooner, Earth Day became the focus of all kinds of corporate greenwashing and wimp-ass garden-club grandma environmentalism. It was horribly gross! Like, Earth Day celebrations are normally sponsored by horrendous polluters like Chevron or Dow-Corning, who then get a big tax write off for putting out powder-puff brochures about planting trees and re-using your coffee cups.
Then they have disgusting Chevron ads encouraging consumers -- CONSUMERS -- to be more conscious of Earth Day, while they continue to splooge huge gobs of HORROR-POISON in the air and water and eat away the faces of fish and birds with corrosive acid, and just generally make life miserable. Those guys must have BALLS of TITANIUM STEEL 18 feet in diameter, to get on your and my ass about Earth Day.
Possibly worse is that second-rate celebrities take the opportunity of Earth Day to show that they're Giving Back to the community by coming out to Earth Day celebrations in big Lincoln Town Car limousines and self-righteously haranguing the attendees to Live Simply and be better Earth Citizens. Then they go back to Hollywood and make movies about brave nuclear engineers and corporate ass-fuck executives, and all-in-all live horrible lives of disgusting excess themselves. Bastardos!
I guess the main upshot is that somehow the environmental movement has come to mean less about sticking it to the MAN and making him pay for his vile money-grubbing world-sodomizing ways, and more about having assholes like Tom Cruise give you a mean lecture about snipping the rings on your six-pack holder.
Fuck YOU, Tom Cruise! The world's not going to SHIT because I don't snip the rings on my six-pack holder! It's going to SHIT because your corporate overlords, who paid you 6 figures to come out here and shill for them, are CONSUMING the world like a slug eats a flower. That is why!
No WONDER environmentalism's been in a slump lately. NOBODY likes a lecture, expecially from stuck-up hypocritical corporate butt-boys.
Anyways, Earth Day is just sucky in pretty much every way. Maybe this Earth Day, instead of watching a Dow-Corning commercial on NBC about all the daisies and fishes their lucite Wilderness Shields (TM) protect, we should maybe reflect on some of the great eco-terrorist direct action that has happened over the last year, instead. FOR EXAMPLE:
Because, like, BEAUJOLAIS for that stuff. There's your environmental democracy in action, right there, buckos. If this world is going to be saved and not turn into a horrible smoking cinder, it's going to be by turtles and Butterfly, not Chevron and Tom Cruise. I guess my main point is: less lectures, more riots. Woo-hoo!
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
A Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Liquor
Curled up cozy with a good book? All warm and snuggly and thinking about friends far away? So am I, reading the greatest story by the greatest writer -- when he suddenly starts waxing philosophical about liquor! (More...)
Our man Daemon Agent checks out the heavy heavy sounds of crazy space surf rockers Man or Astroman?. (More...)
An innocent trip to the Central Market resulted in a severe attack of arachnophobia (and a meal) when a depraved street kid set her vicious pet spider on an unsuspecting shopper. (More...)
Johnny Royale loves his Trackman ultra pointer thingy. It's coolio! Read all about it! (More...)
The Cross Canadian Ragweed Red Dirt Roundup
Went to one of the only really enjoyable outdoor concerts I can remember (maybe I didn't enjoy it enough). The finest in dirty hillbilly music: The Cross Canadian Ragweed Red Dirt Roundup. For those ignorants, Cross Canadian Ragweed is a horrendous allergan in Texas, and it's also a band. In a great show of humility, CCR was the worst major act in their line up. Fortunately, they have talented friends. (More...)
My dear and close friend, Porn Maven Shannon Mariemont, sent me a titillating message the other day about her new project: the PornOrchestra. Her desire, at most, is to reinvent the porn soundtrack and, at least, to receive a cease-and-desist order like all her cool friends did last year. (More...)