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World's Most Evil People in Entire World
1999-12-20 11:53:10


Bad People
 
I am not a speed freak, godamnit!
-- Pao-Tzu

 

I know that in this Season of Sharing and Caring I should not call somebody "The World's Most Evil People in the Entire World," but I can't help it, because they really are. It's just the TRUTH, and TRUTH has no season!

I really can't help it. I just can't. Reporting is what we DO here at Pigdog Journal, and I cannot shirk my journalistic responsibility just to avoid making people cry on Christmas. It's just the way it is. It's my job.

So ANYWAYS, let's talk about the World's Most Evil People in the Entire World. They are Hot Liquid Media. See if you can figger out what these horrible, horrible people do from this evil story on their Web site:

  • Hot Liquid Media, Inc. (HLM) was created to help businesses promote their products and/or services through a creative and effective advertising medium
  • HLM has taken a staple product used in the specialty coffee retail industry and turned it into a unique way for businesses to build high quality brand recognition
  • HLM clients benefit from a stand alone advertising campaign that is hand delivered to thousands of consumers daily

Got it yet? OK, quit scratching yer head, because here's the SEKRIT ANSWER: They put ADVERTISING onto the little ROUND CARDBOARD CUPHOLDERS that you get at cafes! Those little tuby round corrugated things that fit around the cup and keep you from getting yer fingers burnt and dropping your double depth-charge and spilling it on your feet and then yer FEET are burned. Those things! They put ADS on them! Isn't that the most HORRENDOUS thing you've ever heard of?

OK, well, some of you might be getting pissed off right about now. I'm exaggerating somewhat with the "World's Most Evil People" schtick. There are some pretty damn evil people in this world, what with the killing and the torturing and the bombing and the maiming and harassing and stuff. Putting advertising on cardboard cupholders kind of pales in comparison to that really REALLY bad stuff. But, you see, BUT, I am exaggerating for EFFECT, and that's WELL within the bounds of journalistic ethics.

The thing is that as people in this great nation we are PHYSICALLY ASSAULTED with ubiquitous advertisements that PLUNGE into our eyeballs like HOT VAPID CHOPSTICKS from every available surface in range. They're STOMACH-TURNING reminders of every disgusting concept that is wrong and bad in our society: You GOTTA get rich NOW! Have a dumb boring family! Your ASS SMELLS! Use disgusting toxic petrochemicals to make life easier! White people rule the earth! Your car SUCKS!

It's just really gross and stupid. It makes me nostalgic for the Cultural Revolution, with all the flapping flags and propaganda. I'd much rather have pictures of Chairman Mao staring down at me from every billboard than that goddamned Snuggle bear. Or constipated grandmas. Or LARRY FUCKING ELLISON! Gar! Anyways, ads are EVERYWHERE, and EVERYBODY hates them. Everybody! Nobody likes seeing lots of ads! They katzenjammer in our heads and make us CRAZY!

So, why the FUCK would anyone think that there is a NEED for innovative new ways to BOTHER PEOPLE with advertisements? Don't they realize that it will only make us HATE THEM?! So WHAT if they get real rich real quick? They will have to spend all their money protecting themselves from ANGRY, GARDEN-TOOL-WIELDING MOBS who want to DISASSEMBLE their LEXUSes and then GARROTE them and then DRAG THEIR GUCCI-CLAD BODY through the streets like a PINATA! So if you think about it there's NO ANGLE.

The worst part about this Hot Liquid Media thing is that they only do advertisements for DOT COM companies. (Actually, they say on their site that they did an ad for Pennzoil, but I've never seen it. And who the fuck was the genius thought of advertising PENNZOIL on COFFEE CUPS, anyways? Who's idea was it to associate "motor oil" with "the dark brown liquid I am drinking right now?") DOT COM company ads are the most HORRENDOUS because dot coms don't make any money, so they are the most DESPERATE, and also because dot coms are exploitative colonialist enterprises in my home culture of the Web, so I HATE THEM. So, I dislike Hot Liquid Media even more, for reminding me of dot coms.

Actually, that's not the worst part. The WORST PART is that just because I drink coffee, they get to use me as a HUMAN BILLBOARD to carry around their stupid AD all over the streets. I go skipping down the lane with my coffee like an IDIOT, totally oblivious to the fact that I've been TAGGED with corporate GRAFFITI! I come off looking like an ASSHOLE who really really digs bullshit headhunter websites like Guru.com. Well FUCK THAT! I got my OWN agenda to push, and it doesn't include Guru dot fucking com, that's for sure.

The problem is that you usually think that if you buy something with ADS on/in/around/on top of it, the thing is going to be CHEAPER because the advertisers subsidize the costs of the item. The thing is that this is PATENTLY UNTRUE. Examples: magazines, which are like 90% ads, cost 7 or 8 bucks! For 2 or 3 dumb stories! Or, like, movies, which have a whole bunch of ads at the beginning, plus "product placement" during the movie, and lots of ads in the lobby or the bathroom or whatever, cost NINE BUCKS. That's just CRAZY! Shouldn't these things be FREE, what with all the ads?

The answer is NO, because that whole defraying-the-costs thing is a big fat LIE. My x-lg eggnog latte still costs THREE DOLLARS and FIFTY CENTS despite the fact that there's a big dumb CNET ad on the side. It's horrendous! They stick me with a HUGE bill for MEDIOCRE product, poke me in the EYE with a BILE-INDUCING reminder of everything I hate in the world, add yet more CHATTER to the millions of buzzing VERMIN in my contaminated infosphere, humiliate me in PUBLIC with their dumb SYMBOLS, and then crow about it!

THAT, my friends, is why Hot Liquid Media are the World's Most Evil People in the Entire World. I'm done. My ire is spent. Go see their site now. Don't miss the art gallery.

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

ozzyluvr@pigdog.org


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