April 3, 2000 will go down in history as the darkest day EVER for free-market ethics and values. The Department of Justice has wrapped its clammy claws around the throat of American business, strangling it to DEATH! Hang your head in SHAME, Americans, because we have let the secret One World Government strip away our FREEDOM to INNOVATE!

Yesterday, Judge Thomas "Action" Jackson issued a heinous and unreadable gobbledygook of legalese, the end of a long and painful court-room lynching of the Microsoft Corporation. Surprising all clear-thinking citizens, Jackson was apparently suckered in by the pinch-faced, limp-wristed MARKET WEAKLINGS who have come tattle-taling to the government about Microsoft's so-called anti-competitive business practices. In a spectacular slap in the face to American values, Jackson declared Microsoft a so-called "monopoly" in the operating systems market. (An "operating system" is the "brain" of a computer. It controls the brightness and contrast of your "monitor" as well as the "World Wide Web.")

Jackson should have stepped out from behind his smokescreen of legal-schmegal baloney and just URINATED directly on the American flag. At least that would have been more honest! This ruling has set Free Enterprise back ten thousand years, to the days of PRIEST-KINGS in ZIGGURATS who RULED the MASSES with bloodthirsty HUMAN SACRIFICE and HEATHEN IDOLS made of MUD and STRAW!

Everybody knows that the Sherman Anti-Trust Act is the last refuge of cowards, ass-biters and FREE MARKET LOSERS. That these WORMS could come out of the WOODWORK and TURN the POWER of the FEDERAL GOVERNMENT against one of most successful companies in U.S. history is an OUTRAGE. John Galt would shit his Calvin Kleins over this situation, I am absolutely sure. What can honest people do when FREE AGENTS in an OPEN MARKET are not able to buy and sell widgets at whatever cost the market will bear?!

And what the hell does "anti-competitive practices" mean? Could MICROSOFT, the most ass-kicking, BALLS-OUT corporation ever to grace the Pacific Northwest, even conceivably be called "anti-competitive?" Is charging down the court and slam-dunking in your opponent's FACE anti-competitive, then? Microsoft should not be punished for their success! Perhaps Judge Jackson wants to put Michael Jordan in JAIL, next? Because he is so ass-kicking at basketball, he is "anti-competitive!" That is how socialists think.

Someday the grandchildren of Scott McNealy and Jim Barksdale will SPIT on the GROUND when they hear the name of their venomous and cringing progenitors. The people of Earth will shake their fists in rage, and burn state attorneys general in effigy! Mark my words!

What's the next step? Well, Jackson has not issued his remedies for the "monopoly," yet, but SOURCES have speculated on the following possible outcomes of the case:

• In a process called "design from the bench," all software from now on will be required to go through an 8-to-10-year legal review by cretinous, venal bureacrats and corrupt politically-appointed judges. This includes shell scripts and Excel macros. Freedom-fighters found with unauthorized software will be shot and killed, in accordance with the Sherman Anti-Trust Act.
• Software developers will be subjected to FORCED SURGERY in order to install a titanium GOVERNING DEVICE on the visual-spacial regions of their brains.
• The collected works of Ayn Rand will be cast into the sea.
• The United States will be converted to a centrally-controlled economy. Everyone will have to wear gray sackcloth clothing and head-kerchiefs. People will have to wait in line for 2 days to get 100 grams of wormy bread. Selected proles will be forced to wear leg irons.
• Discussions of "market value" and "free economy" will be banned. Anyone trying to buy or sell widgets will be terminated with extreme prejudice on sight.
• All U.S. citizens will be required to wear a bar-code tattoo that InterPol hoverbots can use to identify them.
• Satan will rise from Hell with his army of demons and cast all unbelievers into the Lake of Fire.

Perhaps you think that this outcome would be GOOD, and you'd like to have your rights be trompled by the lowest sludge of humanity. Well, bully for you. But I humbly suggest that ALL RIGHT-THINKING AMERICANS arm themselves immediately, and join Microsoft's Freedom to Innovate Network. Only YOU can protect our free market rights! Go check it out today!

[NOTE: this article is the opinion of the author and does not reflect those of the other editors of Pigdog Journal.]

Check it out yourself

szithead@pigdog.org