Build Date: Tue Mar 10 19:00:14 2026 UTC
The TV business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs.
-- HST
Unholy Abomination Uses Sexual Stratagems To Compete With Humans
1999-08-16 23:53:20
GAAAAAH! I _TOLD_ YOU! I told EVERYONE that this Beowulf clusterfuck computing had gone TOO FAR! But nobody listened, and now these gooshy, group-grope computers have developed s00per-hUman intelligence with their sexy, disgusting genetic programming ways! You should have listened to me!
See, I've been talking about clusterfuck computing for MONTHS and MONTHS. I think it's horrible and WRONG and gross and pornographic. All that data glooping all over the place like horrible biological fluids! All those PLUGS and SOCKETS and DARK OPENINGS and NEGOTIATED PROTOCOLS! It's just UNNATURAL.
So apparently the folks at this Genetic Programming, Inc. have been combining the principles of CLUSTER COMPUTOLOGY with the weird and arcane science of genetic programming to produce SEXUAL DEVIANT PROGRAM OFFSPRING. The deal with genetic programming is that you write programs and then those programs SEXUALLY REPRODUCE to create new programs, which in turn have horrendous little incestuous program sex for EVER AND EVER until they become GIGANTIC DISGUSTING MUTANT PROGRAM MONSTERS.
These folks at GP, Inc. say that they've produced "human-competitive results" using these techniques. GAAH! See, these horrible SEX PROGRAMS and cluster polyamorous computers are going to come kill us all in our beds! It's UNAVOIDABLE!
Now all that's left to do is to try and avert total annihilation for the human race before these towering monsters of sex software gain mobility and laser cannons and start slaughtering us all. Already, high-placed officials of the US Government have made forays to the throne rooms of the NEW DECADENT DIGITAL SEX MONARCHS to negotiate capitulation of the country's infrastructure in return for their own lives and the lives of their loved ones.
Run now! Go to the hills! Do what you can to AVOID THE SODOMIZING SEX ROBOT OVERLORDS! Before they come to your town or village! RUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!
Thanks to 'Gene for initial lead on this story.
T O P S T O R I E S
The Crossroads are real and The Blues is a place; The enduring myth of Robert Johnson (More...)
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Report from Spiritual Machines
Arkuat gives you the inside scoop on the "Spiritual Machines" panel and conclave. Wacky excitement ensues! (More...)
The Walken / Country Bear Conspiracy
As has been recently reported in the PDJ, Christopher Walken, evil s00per villain extraordinaire, will be appearing next month in Disney's newest release, The Country Bear Movie. Always playing some wicked and very disturbed badass in movies like Sleepy Hollow, Illuminata, The Prophecy I, II, III, Pulp Fiction, Batman Returns, The Milagro Beanfield War, A View to a Kill, The Dogs of War, Heaven's Gate, and The Deer Hunter, Walken is unsuprisingly a big favorite in the PDJ news room. (More...)
About 14 years ago when I was on a road trip and stopped in Seattle, I was invited to a party. At this party there were these little tiny glasses sitting in a flat-bottomed bowl of ice. Thin cylinders about an inch in diameter and 4 inches tall, with thick glass at the bottom. Into these were poured frozen AKVAVIT... also known as the water of life. (More...)
My experiment is a failure. Rockstar-and-Robitussin tastes like day-after-Halloween bile. I'm trying to choke down enough to discover the effects, but no matter what those are one thing is certain at the outset: what I have discovered is not a Beverage, but a pale green and angry iced abomination.
You were right: science is not for the weak of will nor stomach. (More...)
We here in SMRL's Beverage Research Lab realize that there is more to life than just drinking spocktails. It's important to have other activities. One such activity that we wholeheartedly support is dancing six or more hours to Trance music. So we have designed a drink to accommodate this. (More...)
It's not like I have a heroin problem, see. I'm just a self-indulgent brat who likes to live beyond her means. When I zip down to my corner Money Mart for a little cash-till-payday loan, I'm really not planning to spend it on drugs. I'll spend it on sushi. Seventy bucks of interest for a two-week $400 loan is perfectly reasonable, if you really need that hamachi. (More...)
