Build Date: Mon May 20 18:50:06 2024 UTC

I don't care what any of these eggheads say about estrogenic whatzahoozits. I'm willing to sing soprano and have a huge quivering hairy vagina in the middle of my chest if it means I get to have JUSTONE MORE GODDAMN BEER.
-- Mr. Bad

I Am Not Suggesting Katherine Graham Was Assassinated

by Miles Standish

2001-07-24 18:45:00

Maybe it's from playing Civ for too long, or maybe it's because I'm afraid of ghosts, but I believe that a reverence for the dead is the first cornerstone of a society. So, I must first say that Katherine Graham was ten times the person and ten thousand times the journalist that I am, and that the world is worse for her recent loss. Now, onto the troublemaking.

Maybe a month ago, I wrote up an article called "Bush Threatens Press". And now, boom, a true journalist is lost. If I were to claim that the whole thing was a government-sponsored hit, it would be both libelous and without any backup. And it could mean that I'm discovered dead in a ditch two weeks later with a bad heroin needle strapped to my arm, and a strangely robot-faced man in a suit ducking around the next corner. I make no such allegations.

How did she die? Check the latest news articles. I'll bet you they don't notice it. I'll bet that you probably assumed she died of pneumonia or cancer or something, because she's 84 years old. I sure made that assumption. Actually, she died of complications after a long fall which injured her head.

UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES AM I ASSERTING OR EVEN SUGGESTING THAT GEORGE W BUSH GAVE COVERT INSTRUCTIONS TO G. GORDON LIDDY OR HIS GIANT APE HENCHMEN TO PUSH HER OFF.

1. Katherine Graham was not involved on the wrong side of any conspiracy in her life.

2. This is the woman who broke the Watergate case. She certainly had no enemies in Washington.

3. This is the government that brought us the DMCA-based crackdowns and subsequent disappearance of Dmitry, faith-based charities, and the swift and terrible resolution of the election by the victorious candidate's brother. This is not some sort of or formerly great empire now in corrupt decline.

4. The information about the whole thing is clearly available and forthcoming. Just look for it. No vagueness at all. And, besides, this is the American press we're talking about here. Would they lie to you?

But if I disappear mysteriously in the next few weeks, please bury my comic books with me.

Oh, unless I'm at Burning Man. Then I really just disappeared mysteriously, instead of, like, being consumed completely by underground CIA ant-soldiers. In which case, don't touch my comic books, you thieving bastard.

Huh. Or maybe the comic books should be taken away from me. I don't know.

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

dunsmuir@pigdog.org

T O P   S T O R I E S

Benevolent Order of Nebraskans for Erection Reversal: Keep It Limp for Life (B.O.N.E.R. K.I.L.L.)!

C L A S S I C   P I G D O G

Quickies