Build Date: Thu Dec 5 22:30:11 2024 UTC
i just threw all my schitzo medication in the garbage where it belongs.
-- rotten elf
Vaccine-hesitant but pro-livestock meds
2021-08-24 00:49:55
In a surprise move Sunday the FDA announced that human beings are not cows or horses.
The FDA needed to make this announcement because stupid Americans were ingesting Ivermectin de-worming medicine meant for cows and horses.
Americans were ingesting de-worming medicine for livestock because Fox News anchors Tucker Carlson, Sean Hannity and Laura Ingraham (not medical doctors) told their viewers that it could help treat COVID-19. These same viewers are terrified of getting a vaccine that's been successfully used by 190 million other Americans, but are willing to ingest de-worming medicine meant for cows and horses because Tucker Carlson told them it was a good idea.
Turns out the FDA was correct, and people are not actually cows or horses. In fact, veterinary experts warn that ingesting Ivermectin for livestock could give you a rash, cause nausea, vomiting, and abdominal pain, give you additional neurological disorders beyond the one that caused you to take animal meds in the first place, and can potentially cause severe hepatitis requiring hospitalization or leave you paralyzed.
In Mississippi the state's Poison Control Center is reporting an alarming increase in people poisoning themselves with Ivermectin. At least 70% of their calls are coming in from idiots who watch Fox News and have now poisoned themselves.
In Alabama the state's poison control hotline is now handling three times the number of calls for Ivermectin poisoning as they were last year, and it's limited to handling calls from people in Alabama who have and know how to use telephones, so the actual number of poisoned Alabamans is probably higher.
The number of people washing down a horse-dose of Ivermectin with a glass of bleach is currently under investigation but an exact number could not be determined by the time this article was published.
T O P S T O R I E S
The Once & Future King of Dust
Only The Onion could have acquired Infowarts. (More...)
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
'Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch'
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
SF Hippies Can't Get Their Act Together
The annual 420 Hippie Hill event in Golden Gate Park, where large crowds of hippies, wannabe hippies, and hippie poseurs drape themselves in tie dye t-shirts and gather on a hill on 4/20 to smoke weed, was cancelled this year because the organizers couldn't get their act together. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Another Spocktail from the beverage researchers at SMRL: Home of The Deathwave Bar & Grill! (More...)
Skunk School -- Learn Why Not To Keep Skunks As Pets
There is an alarming trend in pet purchasing habits this fall. People inspired by the WWII film, "Life is Beautiful" -- the one with that annoying Italian guy -- are buying descented skunks by the millions. (More...)
Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)
Songs Of Love And Special Things
Well, dear reader, there's no denying it: Spring has sprung. The air is pungent with the fertile aroma of Romance. And you know what goes with Romance, don't you? That's right, Lover, porn. And not just any porn, but the kind you can sing along to. (More...)
The Walken / Country Bear Conspiracy
As has been recently reported in the PDJ, Christopher Walken, evil s00per villain extraordinaire, will be appearing next month in Disney's newest release, The Country Bear Movie. Always playing some wicked and very disturbed badass in movies like Sleepy Hollow, Illuminata, The Prophecy I, II, III, Pulp Fiction, Batman Returns, The Milagro Beanfield War, A View to a Kill, The Dogs of War, Heaven's Gate, and The Deer Hunter, Walken is unsuprisingly a big favorite in the PDJ news room. (More...)
This is one for the Ages. Our new signature SMRL drink. We beta tested this several weeks ago at the Goat Brothers B-Day Party. Oh my! (More...)