Build Date: Thu Apr 30 04:10:09 2026 UTC
Mommy, why does that bad man of the future have a Spock dildo up his butt?
-- Ben Franklin
Swim, Jesus, Swim
2002-04-25 19:06:29
Straight from last week's pick on Jesus of the Week is this little flash site that has Jesus swimming. Yeah, just swimming. In a vast turquoise sea under a cloudless aqua sky, the son of god is swimming. Did I mention that Jesus is swimming?
It is a little freaky: you'd expect Jesus to find some island and preach to the natives or discover some sinking ship and lead everybody to safety or even just wrestle a Nazi U-boat.... or something. Instead, he just swims to the type of music they play in dental offices when you are under nitrous. If you touch his legs or arms with the mouse pointer you get what look like little drops of blood in the water. For a while I thought this would bring sharks that Jesus could battle or convert... but no sharks or even Jesus fighting giant squid. Just Jesus plowing through the water.
Jesus is very determined to keep swimming. I brought Pimpwars up in another browser window and banged off some 800 odd turns, most of which I spent scouting for hookers, converting some 3000 young virgin runaways to hard-working crackhos. I did need to have my thugs make some more crack as my girls need a lot to keep going. Also, my alliance is in a turf war this week, so I put the smack down on a couple of wounded pimps and did a couple of drivebys on some others. Probably cost me 1500 thugs, but thugs are cheap. And my prayers last night to the Pimp Gods were answered and yielded 300 extra turns for my hos to turn their tricks and keep my bank account flush. My little Pimpwars empire is doing well and Jesus just swam.
And it's not like you can really complain about the site: I mean, the domain is www.jesusswimming.com, so you are pretty much getting what's advertised. Jesus on an endless trek, tirelessly parting the water, one small stroke at a time.
I'm not really sure what sort of message I'm supposed to get from watching Jesus swim from the middle of the ocean to the middle of the ocean. I'm pretty sure that the author of this site wants to tell me that Jesus will save my soul, but that's only because that is what all Jesus sites want to say. I guess I just don't speak the author's crazy moonman language because watching Jesus on some Sisyphean swimming journey, never reaching any sort of destination, just stroking forever across the sea doesn't convey any sort of message to me - except boredom. It did, however, make me thirsty. A condition I rectified by making myself a vodka tonic with a lot of lime and a lot of vodka and clicking the close button.
Remember, it is Flash.
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