Build Date: Tue Sep 10 23:20:08 2024 UTC
The US national anthem started out as a song about getting drunk and fucking.
-- Gustafson
Seanbaby vs. "Captain Tootsie"
2002-01-06 16:26:54
"Them thar Tootsie Rolls sure put steam inta yer muscles, don't they?" It's time for another round of stupid comic books ads lovingly critiqued by the wise guys at SeanBaby.com.
"Captain Tootsie" has a bad-ass military-issue rifle equipped with an infra-red sniper-scope and a fluorescent eyepiece. But "You don't need a sniperscope to spot the gosh-a-mighty goodness of chewy, chocolaty Tootsie Rolls," he reminds us. And one bad ad is underway.
It seems that a military rifle would come in handy if a killer bear were rampaging through a campground of little girls. But here's how that scenario gets rendered by the artist of the comic book ad.
"Wow! Listen to that excitement!"
"Screech! Eek!"
And so on and so on....
Seanbaby has assembled a new collection of ads so jaw-droppingly bad that it's impossible to resist heckling them. ("I have no idea what Tootsie Rolls have to do with murdering bears," Seanbaby notes.) Though he's famous for de-constructing dozens of 70s ads in which Marvel and DC superheros pimped Hostess Fruit Pies, Seanbaby reminds us of that truly bad comic book advertising transcends the entire comic book universe.
He's discovered another gem where two small children frighten an escaped gorilla with weapons that they earned selling White Cloverine-brand Salve. They weren't plastic weapons, one Pigdog reader believes. "Dude. It was the seventies.... You actually could get a .22 caliber rifle from selling cloverine salve.
"We live in a different world today...."
Indeed. Another extremely violent ad even features Sam Spade.
If there's one upside to bad comic book advertising, it's this. Besides the thrilling cultural vertigo you get from seeing ads that are hopelessly outdated -- it's also really, really entertaining to watch someone making fun of them.
T O P S T O R I E S
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
'Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch'
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
SF Hippies Can't Get Their Act Together
The annual 420 Hippie Hill event in Golden Gate Park, where large crowds of hippies, wannabe hippies, and hippie poseurs drape themselves in tie dye t-shirts and gather on a hill on 4/20 to smoke weed, was cancelled this year because the organizers couldn't get their act together. (More...)
Mozart to be inducted into the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame
Joining such hard-rocking inductees as Abba, Chet Atkins, Nat King Cole, and Neil Diamond, the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame is proud to induct Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
NASA's Mars missions keep blowing up and crashing, but dammit, when you reach for the stars you have to expect a few minor setbacks. Drink a toast to the men and women of NASA! Toast them with a Lost Probe mixed up with your own two (or three) hands! (More...)
We here at Spock Mountain Research Labs (SMRL - world leaders in beverage research and leisure technology) have been noting some complaints about a few of the last Spocktails recipes we’ve released to the general public. Some complaints received to barfback and pigdog-l have centered around the opinion that no one in their right minds would make the drink in question much less consume it. (More...)
During a magnificent sunny day in a fast receding autumn, the Spock Science Monitor reporters once again blew the playa dust off of their computers and covered the 2002 Burning Man Decompression – held every year just east of Portola Hill in beautiful San Francisco. Both an afternoon and evening issues were released to the unsuspecting crowd of freaks attempting to in some small way experience the euphoria of the playa – if but for a brief afternoon far from the desolation of Northern Nevada. (More...)
A Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Liquor
Curled up cozy with a good book? All warm and snuggly and thinking about friends far away? So am I, reading the greatest story by the greatest writer -- when he suddenly starts waxing philosophical about liquor! (More...)
This was an old standby back in my poor college days. Back then the goal was to get butt fucking wasted for as little money as possible. The problem was we hated dirt cheap beer - and some weekends, even Henry's was far more lucre then we could scratch together. So we invented Red. (More...)
Place the Lighter on the Ground and Let Us See Your Hands
So I have been thinking on this whole flag burning issue and all the things it could imply. Now a lot of people right now are saying that there are more important issues at stake and something so trivial is a waste of time. Believing such is really losing sight of some very key changes happening in our nation right now. Being a strict conservative, and currently serving in Iraq, I was surprised to find that I am actually appalled that the House approved a ban on flag burning. (More...)
