Build Date: Thu Mar 28 14:10:03 2024 UTC
We were somewhere around Barstow, on the edge of the desert, when the drugs began to take hold.
-- HST
New Study Warns Monkeys: Stop Listening to Orbital
1999-06-15 13:09:36
A new study conducted by researchers at Johns Hopkins University spells out some bad news for monkeys who are into techno music and all-night raves.
The researchers found that squirrel monkeys who were given the briefly fashionable party drug Ecstasy for as little as four days suffered brain damage, including loss of long-term memory functions and damage to the neocortex, the part of the brain which is thought to control conscious thought.
Researchers, who interpreted the results after killing half the monkeys used in the test and "looking at their brains," also noted that the monkeys were "really, really horny."
A well-placed source informed Pigdog that the researchers were further assured of the conclusions when the monkeys stopped throwing their poop, as was their normal habit, and started forming it into strange, surrealist poop sculptures instead. Fortunately, researchers were able to kill the monkeys before they created any profound works of art.
So let that be a lesson to all you monkeys.
T O P S T O R I E S
Mozart to be inducted into the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame
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Gary Busey definitely involved in a hit and run accident
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Health and Human Services officials spend a year on pot
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If you've ever wondered what actual bullshit looks like, just check the back side of Lee Meyers' decommissioned police cruiser. Lee chopped the top of the passenger side of the car off so he could take his full-grown Watusi bull, named Howdy Doody, for joy rides around his home town of Neligh, Nebraska. Since the car doesn't have bathroom facilities Howdy Doody just craps all over the back and side of the car whenever he feels the need to let one go. (More...)
Self-righteous assholes block highway to Burning Man
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C L A S S I C P I G D O G
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The Peppermill Is Not Good For You
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Skunk School -- Learn Why Not To Keep Skunks As Pets
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The Deep Dark Underbelly of the Star Wars Myth, or Ramayana Remembered
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The IBM Selectric Typewriter Changed My Life
I ran my hands lovingly across her frame, lightly brushing her metallic nipples with my fingers, admiring the shapes and the ways of her curves, the empathetic hum she produced as I had my way with her, the way she made it all seem so effortless and right... she didn't even seem to mind the way I roughly manipulated her knobs and tweaked her casing. She was extremely tolerant, for a typewriter. (More...)