Pop Singer to Lead NATO Peace Talks in Balkans
1999-06-04 12:07:43
In a shocking move, but one bound to be popular with youngsters all over the world, NATO high command has decided to place world famous pop entertainer Michael Jackson in charge of peace talks with Serbian officials aimed at ending strife in that region.
Obviously this is a calculated move by NATO officials to gain popularity for their flagging cause, though you have to wonder about the wisdom of such an action. Jacko's record sales are, let's face it, not what they used to be. His popularity has taken a huge downturn since all those little boys turned up with their tales of Jackson's fetish for playing "Naked Movie Star" and other weird games. At first glance this seems like a desperate move by NATO to do something - anything - to add a little star power to their unpopular war against Milosevic, sort of like that one year on Saturday Night Live when Anthony Michael Hall and Robert Downey Jr. joined the cast.
On the other hand, Jacko still retains an immense popularity in third- and second- world nations. And the Serbians just love him, by all accounts. One well-placed source said, "The Serbs wear their wide-collar disco suits and drive around in smuggled Ford Torinos and blast 'Billie Jean' out of their blackmarket circa 1989 Blaupunkt car stereos." The thinking in NATO must be, "If we can't just sit down and reason with Milosevic, maybe we can put a little boogie into his butt." And Jackson, clearly, is the right man in the right place for the right job.
So we wait with baited breath, crossing our fingers that our very own Michael Jackson can bring an "Off the Wall" conclusion to a "Bad" and "Dangerous" conflict. Ow!
One sour note: check out the photo of Jacko in the link below. Man, he is looking older and older, and now he really does look COMPLETELY white!
T O P S T O R I E S
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
SF Hippies Can't Get Their Act Together
The annual 420 Hippie Hill event in Golden Gate Park, where large crowds of hippies, wannabe hippies, and hippie poseurs drape themselves in tie dye t-shirts and gather on a hill on 4/20 to smoke weed, was cancelled this year because the organizers couldn't get their act together. (More...)
Mozart to be inducted into the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame
Joining such hard-rocking inductees as Abba, Chet Atkins, Nat King Cole, and Neil Diamond, the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame is proud to induct Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. (More...)
Gary Busey definitely involved in a hit and run accident
Gary Busey was definitely involved in a hit-and-run accident, but won't face any charges because he's rich and famous. (More...)
Gary Busey allegedly involved in Malibu hit-and-run
"Sir! You hit my car! I need your information!" the woman yelled at Gary Busey driving a battered Volvo station wagon before he sped off. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Skunk School -- Learn Why Not To Keep Skunks As Pets
There is an alarming trend in pet purchasing habits this fall. People inspired by the WWII film, "Life is Beautiful" -- the one with that annoying Italian guy -- are buying descented skunks by the millions. (More...)
Report from Spiritual Machines
Arkuat gives you the inside scoop on the "Spiritual Machines" panel and conclave. Wacky excitement ensues! (More...)
The IBM Selectric Typewriter Changed My Life
I ran my hands lovingly across her frame, lightly brushing her metallic nipples with my fingers, admiring the shapes and the ways of her curves, the empathetic hum she produced as I had my way with her, the way she made it all seem so effortless and right... she didn't even seem to mind the way I roughly manipulated her knobs and tweaked her casing. She was extremely tolerant, for a typewriter. (More...)
Pigdog dispatched special correspondent Ratsnatcher for a holiday reconnaissance of America's frozen hell. After ten days of silence, our shortwave radio cackled with Ratsnatcher's static-filled transmission. (More...)
Poor Metallica. All they want is to continue to put out the same weak "Heavy Metal" they've been churning out since the "And Justice For All" days? and make gooey wads of cash in the process. The problem is, people aren't buying their bound for the heavy metal scrap heap, over-produced, uninspired, tired crap. And let's face it, their various commercial endorsements won't pay for the lifestyle they've become comfortably accustomed to. Resorting to lawsuits makes perfect sense, when you need spending money. But just one lawsuit isn't going to pay their bills. So, to aid Metallica, I've composed an open letter to the boys in the band, with suggestions as to whom else they might sic their lapdog lawyers on... (More...)