Celebrity endorsement impersonated


All I Wanted Was a Damn Sammich
2001-03-13 23:57:48

Consumers in Action
I hope we shall crush in its birth the aristocracy of our moneyed corporations, which dare already to challenge our government to a trial of strength and bid defiance to the laws of the country.
-- Thomas Jefferson, 1814


I had a very satisfying lunch at my local Arby's restaurant today. It consisted of a slab of sort of chewy roast beef product slathered with some sort of cheese sauce slapped between two onion rolls with some sort of mildly sweet sauce stuck resembling worcestershire somewhere in the middle. I chose the curly variety of french fry as a nutritious side course.

It was a pretty good meal, all and all, for a generic fast food chain, and since I was extremely hungry when I ate the thing, I went home thinking pleasant thoughts about Arby's. Later, I looked up their web site, still enveloped in a warm haze from an unexpectedly OK meal, and I clicked on the button that said "About Us," thinking I would find some amusing story about an old-timey Wild West miner named "Arby" who actually went around saying stuff like "consarnit!" and "dagnebbit!" and how Arby one day was sniffing out gold in the cliffs of Big Coyote Mountain when he discovered the Lost Roast Beef Mine and then he quit mining and started serving delicious Arby's Roast Beef to all the hungry people of the West and how that's a tradition that's lasted until today, and, consarnit, that's how Arby would want it.

Imagine my grief, then, when this crazy, like, intense Businessman word jazz or whatever erupted out of my browser:

"As the franchisor of innovative restaurant concepts, TRG is committed to deliver a "Cut-Above" restaurant experience to the customers, a dynamic, supportive business opportunity to its franchisees and an exciting career environment for employees."

But what about that old prospector and waterfalls of pure, mouthwatering Horsey Sauce? Huh?

"To make all of this happen takes a great deal of planning and work. In support of those goals, TRG has developed a practical internal structure, which includes teams dedicated to system development and franchisee management, a Strategic Planning Group and Franchise Councils, which enlist the expertise of franchisees, and an accepted set of cultural values."

And then when some bad rustlers came up selling cut-rate, inferior Roast Beef and tried to undercut Arby's burgeoning business, he invented magical Curly Fries to defeat them and the people all waved their hats in the air and said "Yahoo!"

"We welcome you to learn more about Triarc Restaurant Group, as it sets a world-class standard for the quick-service restaurant industry with new ideas, fresh strategies and renewed energy."

I'm real mad now at those bastards at the Triarc Restaurant Group.

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.


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