Build Date: Wed Sep 30 05:25:33 2026 UTC
i may outwardly seem like an antiquated mushball, but actually i have superpowers that allow me to control heartstrings and electrical cicuitousness.
-- rotten elf
Canadia to Return to Normalcy in 2004?
2002-03-21 00:00:38
As long-suffering readers of the PDJ know, there is something dreadfully wrong with our northern neighbor, Canadia. Most civilized nations would have long ago diagnosed their own cultural paranoia, social malfeasance and general lack of significance, but not Canadia - which as you've probably already guessed - is filled with Canadians. No, Canadians are instead quite proud of their little commune in the tundra and in fact can get down right nasty defending that caribou infested nation.
The crack scientists at the world famous Spock Mountain Research Labs have long searched for a cure for the incredible national dysfunctionality displayed by this one time British lapdog of a colony during our brief breaks on those marathon beverology experiments which we so routinely conduct. Sadly, this mystery has stumped some of the greatest beverologists of all time and SMRL has been unable to concoct an antidote for the disease known worldwide as Eh Syndrome or its official Latin name Eingbay anadiancay.
However, while surfing the web, I happened across an article on CNN that claimed the North Magnetic Pole was leaving Canadia sometime in 2004. Then there was this thunderclap type of epiphany that happens when the truth is finally revealed. Of course, that has to be the answer - the Massive Gaussian fields that Canadians have been subjected to their entire lives must be responsible for all bad things Canadian. Clearly, one would expect a completely nonsensical country to emerge if the entire population is subjected to the electro-magnetic equivalent of going through life with 10 cell phones duct taped to their heads.
And the good news is that scientists expect the North Magnetic Pole to immigrate to Russia beginning sometime in 2004. I don't get this whole pole moving thing, but hey, they're scientists and it is on the Internet, so it must be true.
The bad news, of course, that the pole is moving to Russia and the Russians will soon experience the same magnetic assault that Canadians have long endured. Hopefully, the Russians are made of sterner stuff then Canadians; as images of nuclear-armed Russians behaving like Canadians should send chills down everyone's spine.
In the mean time, before the departure of the North Magnetic Pole, I urge all Canadian to wear tin foil hats to block all those magnetic rays and to start anticipating an era normalcy when Canada will be able to proudly stand amongst the nations of the world.
T O P S T O R I E S
John Dvorak has passed. I’m of mixed emotions. First off I’m more positive about his contribution to the overall technology journalism of the early PC days through the 90s, despite how many things he got wrong. He was a firebrand and commanded attention. (More...)
America's National Recording Registry Inducts Culturally Significant Artist - Weezer!
America's Library of Congress calls them "defining sounds of history and culture" and "audio treasures worthy of preservation for all time based on their cultural, historical or aesthetic importance in the nation’s recorded sound heritage." Ladies and gentlemen, I give you... Weezer! (More...)
The Crossroads are real and The Blues is a place; The enduring myth of Robert Johnson (More...)
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Yet another delicious SPOCKTAIL from the SMRL Beverage Science Labs! Check under the cap for your chance to win thousands of fabulous prizes! (More...)
It's winter in Idaho, and Boise personality "Lego-Man" reports on how he celebrated Thanksgiving. "I fed my wife, mother and sister wine slurpies!" (More...)
From the mixed up files of citizen 566-77-0776 (More...)
Hooray! At long last, a NEW Spocktail of the Week! Kid-tested, mother-approved! (More...)
Johnnie Royale's Guide to Wakes
Wakes can present problems for Bad People of the Future. (If you don't know what a BPotF is, you need to read more of the PDJ.) Sure, your friend is gone and you miss him and that really sucks; it does, I know. But all Bad People of the Future are gonna die, and they have all accepted that fact. They do deserve, however, to have one final kickass party to celebrate all the bad things they've done in the past, present and future. And you, as a friend, have to make sure that their desire for a final send off is well executed (sorry for the pun). That's just the way of BPotFdom. (More...)
40 Acres, a Mule, and a Crummy 90-Second Spot on Weekend Update
Consider the plight of the Black Man. The Black Man on "Saturday Night Live," I mean. Has there ever been a more pathetic thing than a token unredeemed for 28 years? Where is the NAACP when you really need them? (More...)
