Build Date: Tue Apr 23 17:10:04 2024 UTC

OLE... yuck. "Hey Jed, this here Word document gots a VIDEO in it!"
-- Tjames Madison

Only YOU Can Stop the Madness

by Mr. Bad

1999-05-26 13:05:13

OK, so by now each and every one of us has seen the new Star Track movie featuring little blond Analkin Skywalker guy. And, like, people who worry about this kind of stuff are already ruminating and declaiming about who'll play Angry Young Man Analkin in the NEXT Star Track movie, "Star Track II: Search for Spock," in which Analkin'll be about 20-someodd and swashbuckling around with his light sabers and killing clones on planet Gwelf and vigorously impregnating the Queen of Naboo (a planet, not a deviant practice) with many little tow-headed babes and commiting other such pirate misadventures in the Movie! Event! of the Year!, said year being of course 2002.

Obviously, people involved in this kind of like speculation are notoriously dim and unoriginal, and they go down their lists of possible actors starting with the most nauseatingly-popular and overpaid and then kind of work their way down until they get even like a 1st-order possible match like it's a game of Concentration and that's pretty much going to be the man that George Lucas will tap for the part, "insider sources say."

All right, so anyways going through this process little ANALKIN is BLOND. AND world famous MULTIMILLION DOLLAR chicken-porn star LEONARDO DICAPRIO is also BLOND. Therefore (sound of gears churning) LEONARDO DICAPRIO will soon be the NEXT DARTH INVADER! CASE SOLVED!

Now, some people may say that Leonardo is not the man for the job -- he's not ruthless or tortured enough, and he probably will be hard to convince to get his hair done in that Daly City flat-top-with-a-rat-tail haircut that all the Jedi Knights in Episode 1 have.

But not me: I think he'd be just fine. Hell, the man's a FREEMASON! He knows a little something about EVIL SEKRIT SOCIETIES and taking over ENTIRE PLANETS and like that.

But! I have to pose this question to you: he may be able to GET the job, but can he DO the job? Is he the BEST POSSIBLE Analkin Skywalker that George Lucas can tap for the part?

Long time Pigdog Journal fans are right with me here, and they're saying, "NO! Entirely NO!" Why? We know why: because there's only ONE man who's swashbuckly and vicious and blond-browed enough to COMPLETELY EPITOMIZE BLOND PLANET-CRUSHING EVIL. That man, ladies and gentlement, is Jake Busey.

The bad part about all this is that, due to some of Jake's family's enemies in the entertainment business who've been keeping him down, George Lucas may not even CONSIDER Jake for the part. Which would just be a dying shame.

This is where we come in, folks. WE THE PEOPLE. Because this is going to have to be a grass-roots effort to get the BEST ACTOR for the JOB so that we can get our BEST ENTERTAINMENT DOLLAR VALUE at the BOX OFFICE in the year 2002.

As of this very SECOND, I am starting a letter-writing campaign to GEORGE LUCAS himself to INSIST that Jake Busey be considered for the part of Analkin Skywalker in the next Star Track film and threaten a high-profile NATIONWIDE BOYCOTT if our demands are not met! The PEOPLE! United! Can ne-ver be de-feated! Sing it with me here, people!

The name of the letter writing campaign is "Give Jake a Chance." How can you help? Send a letter expressing your views to George Lucas, c/o LucasFilm, Inc. Below is the link to LucasFilms website. Use it.

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

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