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Beaujolais Nouveau! Need I Say More?!
2000-11-15 15:55:02

Beaujolais, Baby!
This is a problem for which a chemical solution exists.
-- Johnnie Royale


Can you believe it's here again already? It hardly seems that a year has passed since the BEAUJOLAIS NOUVEAU was last unleashed on an unwitting world. The shards of glass have hardly been swept up, the wounds have barely healed, and the DIABOLICAL WINEMONGERERS of the Beaujolais region are already going to flood us with bacchanalian vino! Where is the justice!?

As I have said before, and will probably say again... Beaujolais Nouveau is on its way. Gaaah! The traditional third Thursday of November, when the new vintage of Beaujolais wine is released for the first time, is TOMORROW! 2000-11-16!!! Can you believe it?

As of this writing, it is only about an HOUR until the peasants of the Beaujolais valley start rolling the barrels of Beaujo out onto the roads and down the hills to the cities below. This is not made up, folks! Seriously, they wait until one minute past midnight before releasing the wine. Then it is flown ALL OVER THE WORLD, to Hong Kong and Lima and Cairo and Zurich, where wine-slavering oeno-mavens await with clutching paws! Because, as they say, "Le Beaujolais Nouveau est arrive'"!!!

B.N. is well known for its qualities of TOTAL REMOVAL of INHIBITION, INCREASED LIBIDO (by many orders of magnitude), INCITEMENT to RIOT and other VIOLENT DETRIMENTS to CIVILIZATION. As Beaujolais nouveau sweeps the planet in a red gushing wave of decadence tomorrow, mass hysteria will once again reign! The RED BITTER GOD is KING! Dionysus strikes the nations of the earth with a Beaujolais War Turd!

I have so many painful, vivid memories of Beaujolais nights past... Cars overturned, burning in the street, as naked hooligans smash storefront windows... Rooster tails of blood and Beaujolais splashed across the walls of the police station... The mad laughter of once-proud women, rutting like animals in alleys, Beaujolais Nouveau bubbling out of their noses and mouths with each wine-soaked moan... Vines curling about the legs of the unwary... Dunking, sacrifice, cutting, blood, breasts, BEAUJOLAIS!

I cannot but enjoin you, Pigdog reader, to hie yourself to a professional Beaujolais Nouveau establishment tomorrow night and try the new vintage yourself. Get some pleasure before the shitstorm arrives. Burn, Beaujolais! Burn with le feu NOUVEAU!

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

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