Rise of the Ratbots!

by Tjames Madison

2002-05-01 16:50:33

Animal Rampage

Scientists at the State University of New York are preparing ungodly hordes of ratbots to do their masters' evil bidding, according to the BBC.

Although the researchers claim that these remote wireless "device-guided" rats will only be used for so-called "humanitarian" purposes, like sussing out earthquake victims or searching for landmines, I think we all know what sort of horrible pandora's box we're tinkering with when somewhere down the line the rats become as smart as their overseers. Didn't everybody see "Planet of the Apes"? Jesus!

Says here some babble about "whisker implanted electrodes" and "modes of control" and whatnot, but I think I shall choose to see through this awful ruse. Ha ha, very funny scientist man! "Now I shall make a rat that is smart as a man and equip him with a tiny backpack and we'll just have to wait and see if he doesn't go all rebel on all of our asses and end up eating the world like a chocolate covered raisin."

"The commands and rewards were transmitted by radio from a laptop computer to a backpack receiver strapped to each rat." Chortle. Real failsafe technology. What about the special trigger device that will administer fast-working deadly poison to the rat's dinky, evil heart at the first sign of rat unruliness? This article doesn't mention anything like that. Funny that.

Rats are real bad: A full-grown rat (Rattus norvegicus), when desperate, can jump nearly 3 feet horizontally and make a vertical leap of 2 feet, 2 inches. Look at this article, and then tell me how safe you feel now that scientists are turning them into robots.

The scientist in charge of all this does admit that the idea is "sort of creepy," but I label him a Traitor to the Human Race! Let's stop all of this silly rat science immediately and get back to humane concerns, like freezing our own heads.

Check it out yourself

punchbowl@pigdog.org