Build Date: Thu Aug 27 01:00:16 2026 UTC
My bowels are as strong as any man's! I bet yours give out at about 10 Guinnesses.
-- Ratsnatcher
The Impotence of Being Dick
2002-09-10 23:14:35
Some of you have come to think of Cheney as the Invisible Man, while others of you cannot shake the image of No Hair the Pirate. This naturally depends on whether you want to ask him questions about his Halliburton dealings or if you want to add more viscosity to his already greasy palm. While the debate rages about actual existence of Cheney's heart (say, wasn't that surgery to install rather than repair?), developments in Cheney's apocalyptic cheerleading demonstrate something that Mrs. Cheney has known for years: the li'l Dick hasn't worked since the day Richard Nixon resigned.
Seriously, if Dick was fully functional, as opposed to merely anatomically incorrect, would Cheney really be so desperate? Within months of taking office, he was frantically pushing new coal-burning, natural gas-guzzling, and uranium-spewing power generating facilities on us. He spread domestic terror by feeding us sophistic tales of nation-wide blackouts. Cheney acted like a man possessed by more than simple greed. In fact, it seemed like he was projecting all his worst fatalistic fears on us. How much more obvious does it get? "You will be powerless!" Indeed.
In an October 13, 2000 Hustler interview, Cheney revealed his horror at the realization that his "bullwhip would never crack again."
"Well, you see, it was two years ago and Fred Sparks, the VP of Halliburton's Global Prostitution division talked to me about this twelve year-old he banged while visiting Japan that year. Fred said he'd been out of action for over twenty years, but Viagra brought him back. That got me to thinking, if Viagra gave Bob Dole his soul back, maybe it could help even me.
"But it didn't. The doctors kept upping the dosage, but the only thing I was getting was a sore prostate. I'd hoped this would be the end of my missus getting plowed by the gardener, but no. Ironic, huh? I mean, here I am, about to become the most powerful-er, second most powerful man in the world, and the only thing I can drive up is oil futures!"
Not quite. Following in the footsteps of such other notable flaccid failures as Napoleon Bonaparte and Adolf Hitler, Dick's out to get his bang however he can. Dominating and robbing shareholders in an oil company, as well as chumps dumb enough to actually pay taxes, wasn't enough. Now he has to go out and bring Iraq to its knees by paving the streets of Baghdad with the lowest 25% of our nation's 1995-2002 high school graduating classes.
Don't despair, though. Aside from thinly restoring Cheney's manhood, his invasion of Iraq will give Halliburton a cheaper and more reliable source of Mid-East oil than is currently available from Saudi Arabia. Through all those gushers, the vitality of America's economy will be restored. Once the country is back, li'l Dick will be, too! Or so he thinks. So don't mind the blood from all those combat casualties. It'll all flow straight to the Veep's shriveled salami.
T O P S T O R I E S
John Dvorak has passed. I’m of mixed emotions. First off I’m more positive about his contribution to the overall technology journalism of the early PC days through the 90s, despite how many things he got wrong. He was a firebrand and commanded attention. (More...)
America's National Recording Registry Inducts Culturally Significant Artist - Weezer!
America's Library of Congress calls them "defining sounds of history and culture" and "audio treasures worthy of preservation for all time based on their cultural, historical or aesthetic importance in the nation’s recorded sound heritage." Ladies and gentlemen, I give you... Weezer! (More...)
The Crossroads are real and The Blues is a place; The enduring myth of Robert Johnson (More...)
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
NASA's Mars missions keep blowing up and crashing, but dammit, when you reach for the stars you have to expect a few minor setbacks. Drink a toast to the men and women of NASA! Toast them with a Lost Probe mixed up with your own two (or three) hands! (More...)
It’s election night. My wife and I are holed-up in this hotel that my political party has rented out for the evening. Outside, people are being violently beaten for whom they voted for. Is this South Africa? Perhaps we’re in Haiti or some Southern state during the 60’s. Of all the places where this sort of thing happens, it’s mind-boggling that we are in Portland, Maine. (More...)
The Walken / Country Bear Conspiracy
As has been recently reported in the PDJ, Christopher Walken, evil s00per villain extraordinaire, will be appearing next month in Disney's newest release, The Country Bear Movie. Always playing some wicked and very disturbed badass in movies like Sleepy Hollow, Illuminata, The Prophecy I, II, III, Pulp Fiction, Batman Returns, The Milagro Beanfield War, A View to a Kill, The Dogs of War, Heaven's Gate, and The Deer Hunter, Walken is unsuprisingly a big favorite in the PDJ news room. (More...)
This week: another fine spocktail from the beverage researchers at SMRL! Drink it in peace, because WE DID THE RESEARCH! (More...)
There are two kinds of Assmen in this world. Wild, hairy assmen, who put stickers that say things like "Why Be Normal?" all over their trucks and drink Corona beer and wear fezzes at parties for attention; these are the Assman Desperados. Our job is to ferret them out and expose them. (More...)
Poor Metallica. All they want is to continue to put out the same weak "Heavy Metal" they've been churning out since the "And Justice For All" days? and make gooey wads of cash in the process. The problem is, people aren't buying their bound for the heavy metal scrap heap, over-produced, uninspired, tired crap. And let's face it, their various commercial endorsements won't pay for the lifestyle they've become comfortably accustomed to. Resorting to lawsuits makes perfect sense, when you need spending money. But just one lawsuit isn't going to pay their bills. So, to aid Metallica, I've composed an open letter to the boys in the band, with suggestions as to whom else they might sic their lapdog lawyers on... (More...)
