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What a Fucking Nightmare
2002-04-28 14:43:52

Art Fux
I've been taking calcium/magnesium to stop my butthole from spasming... it works.
-- Paul Vortex


In an apparent attempt to exact sadistic revenge for the decline of the British Empire in the modern age, a pair of English artistes have sworn to create and inflict upon their audience a three-part symphony played entirely through the ring-tones of thirty mobile phones. They're calling it the "New Ring Cycle."

Gah! Just imagine being trapped in an echoing concert hall while people's cellphones ring and ring and ring...for HOURS! There's no telling what people subjected to that kind of torture might do. Their minds will break! There will be murder and rapine in the aisles.

Fortunately, this wretched, inhuman scheme is still in its infancy. The composers admit that they haven't actually written the dreadful piece yet. They're full of disgusting technomarketspeak though, and will apparently go on about their "interactive" symphony at great length. And a BBC reporter decided to cover the whole unholy affair as if it were real news. Among the more ridiculous tidbits of disinformation in the BBC story is the line, "There are no plans for Leonard Slatkin to take part" — which, hilariously, runs as the caption to an accompanying picture of Slatkin.

I would sincerely hope that Leonard Slatkin would stab each and every member of the cellphone symphony to death with his conductor's baton before allowing this repugnant musical travesty to enter the world.

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

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