It's been two long and shitty years, but I for one am STILL holding a goddamned grudge
against the world for not blowing up into an kakocratic warlord deathscape on 1/1/2000.
How dare the Earth not implode?! How dare civilization not collapse!? How dare it!?
I mean, I was actually PREPARED for Y2K. PREPARED, mind you -- and I'm never prepared for
anything. Like, when I wake up in the morning, and the sun is shining in my face, I'm
like, "How the hell did THAT happen?" That's what kind of unprepared I am.
But I was PREPARED for Y2K. Who wouldn't be? Christ, even SPOCKO was preparing for
the End Times. Me, I had 6 months' worth of food squirrelled away in my garage. And water,
and batteries, and all kinds of cool camping equipment. I had an escape route
planned, with a map! And ron-day-voo points, and shit like that. I had diagrams on how to
loot a Land Cruiser from the nearby Toyota dealership and equip it with a 14mm gun from
the Presidio mounted on the roof.
And then nothing happened! I was pee-ohed, I'll tell you what. I even had a special hand
tool I ordered off the Web for cracking open human skulls and scraping out the nutritious
marrow. Now that there is still so-called law and order in the land, this expensive piece
of gray-market materiel has NO CIVILIAN USE. I only bring it along now for an intimidation
factor when we have investor meetings for Pigdog Journal. Can't let those VC
carrion-eaters see you as weak! They'll dilute the fucking stock till it's worth less than
a full set of '92 Yankees baseball cards.
But what was I talking about? Oh, yeah: Y2K. The worst part of the whole Y2K fizzle was
that the years 2000 and 2001 were REALLY SHITTY. I don't know anyone who's enjoyed the new
millennium in the slightest. Personally, I would have preferred backbreaking slavery in
the BORAX MINES of Eastern Nevada under some nudist neo-Buddhist military oppressor sect
than having to deal with what actually obtained during these bum years. Anything but this!
So that's why I'm kind of looking forward to the upcoming EURO CONVERSION on 1/1/2002. The
Europeans are in for a shitocaust the likes of which the world has never known. Even in
the DEEPEST, WEIRDEST Gary North fantasies, things wouldn't have been as bad as they're
going to be in Europe next year. CHAOS! MAYHEM! BUTT-NAKED SWEDES in TECHNICALS with
CROSSBOWS raiding the SORBONNE for TOP RAMEN and SEX SLAVES. That's what I'm talking
The deal is that 12 countries of the European Union will be scrapping their old, worn-out
national currencies for the new UBER-CURRENCY, the NWO (pronounced "EN-wo" -- short for
New World Order). OK, it's actually called the "euro", as in "eurotrash", but the whole
thing stinks of the Council for Foreign Relations and the Rockefellers. I am DEAD SURE the
entire thing was engineered by Dick Cheney at the annual Bohemian Grove Burning of Dull
Because why would anybody want to do this? What the hell kind of good is it to replace 12
currencies with 1 meta-currency? Who will benefit? Not that I care one way or the other
about existing European currencies -- no emotional attachment either way. But have you
seen Italian money lately? It's obscenely filthy and tattered. Dear God! The entire M1 of
the nation must be systematically run through the crotch of a fat Milanese stripper's
sweaty G-string and then chewed by slobbery wolverines. It's just foul -- they NEED some
new currency there, bad.
[You know who really needs a currency overhaul? The Yap Islands. They're the loincloth guys from the
encyclopedia who have to roll a 6-foot stone wheel down to Starbuck's each morning for a
latte and croissant, and get a handful of gravel in change. The stone-wheel money idea has
been great for REALLY strengthening the thighs of Yap Island strippers, as well as
stimulating research into stronger and stronger elastic waistband technology, but it's a
system in need of a modern overhaul.]
But there's just not a good enough reason to replace the 12 European currencies. There's
just NOT. The only point I see is putting that usurious bastardo Thomas Cooke out of
business once and for all, which is a valiant and worthy goal but not really worth
all the trouble that it's going to cause.
Which is to say, a LOT. Of trouble, that is. Because as of this writing, over 99% of all
merchants and banks in Europe are totally unprepared for the upcoming fiduciary
apocalypse. "Money? Changing? Huh. News to me!" said the president of Credit Lyonnaise
Jacques Bivouac in the French newspaper Le Monde, scratching his balls lazily.
OK, so nobody ever said that, and my percentages are made up, but the ACTUAL numbers from
Europe are really startling. Those goddamn Eurocreeps have no idea what's going on, and
they don't seem to care! I would look up some actual numbers for you, if you're bent on me
having some kind of FACTS for backing up my irresponsible statements. Let me just say
this: millions of people! Gargantuan numbers of monetary units instantly worthless! Large
percentages of population totally shitface unaware!
Europe really isn't built for this kind of massive overhaul. The base characteristic of
the European psyche is GRAVE LAZINESS mixed with a healthy swirl of LIBIDINOUS
LIBERTINISM. German, Italian, French, Spaniard, I don't care! All they want is booze and
sex! They go to sleep under a tree in the middle of the day, wearing big sombreros! When
they hell are they going to switch all the ATMs to putting out euros instead of francs or
pesetas? Never, that's when. 2008, maybe, if they get around to it and there's no porn on
TV that day.
The upshot is that come 1/1/2002, when the new "enwo" is supposed to start rolling out,
NOBODY will know what the fuck to do. The old money, which as I've mentioned is so
disgusting nobody wants to touch it, will still be valid for two months, but that's a MOOT
POINT. Because by that time Europe will have collapsed into POST-INDUSTRIAL CHAOS, with
rampaging hordes tearing down cathedrals and castles in order to fashion stone wheels to
trade on the underground Yap Island currency market. There will be no food! And no water!
And no one will have tips to pay to strippers! It's going to be horrible!
The English, of course, opted out of this round of Euro conversion, being a nation of big
prissy assholes and jingoistic soccer hooligans. They're feeling pretty smug right now
watching the hullabaloo on the continent, and they're probly drinking bad beer and singing
dumb anti-Euro songs to the tune of "Amazing Grace" ("No eu-ro/No eu-ro/No eu-ro/No euro")
as we speak.
But they shouldn't be smug for long, the dumb pasty bastards. Because the other big
monument to European Union, the Channel Tunnel, is like a RAVENOUS HORDE SUPERHIGHWAY.
Don't they know that when the already-fragile half-assed governments of Portugal, Germany
and Belgium collapse, all those filthy looters are going to come charging RIGHT FOR the
White Cliffs of Dover... by the MILLION! Christ, they were barely
able to keep out a few hundred starving political refugees -- what makes them think
they can defend against the mighty AMON THE THIRD and his ARMY OF BEASTMEN?
I guess my main point here is this: DOOM and DESPAIR. Everyone is FUCKED, including us
here in the good old USA, because once the European markets collapse into blood-gurgling
madness, the rest of the world is not far behind. My only advice is to join an outlaw
motorcycle gang as soon as possible. We can expect a Second Dark Age to happen within a
few days of Jan 1. -- say around January 8th, just in time for Elvis's birthday.
Which to me is a cheerful thought. I might just get to use this skull-cracker tool yet.