Build Date: Fri Apr 4 00:10:29 2025 UTC
I spent about three hours tonight reading the journals of the Donner Party for no real good reason, except to think, "Hey, wouldn't it suck to be in the Donner Party?"
-- Tjames Madison
Gonzo ToothBrush Tech
2000-06-16 20:43:10
21st century technology transforms the world of dental hygiene, as unsuspecting users find they've purchased not just an electic toothbrush -- but the InterPlak RTB2.
This crazy-sophisticated piece of dental engineering comes complete with the RTB2 Instruction Manual, a technical document cautioning technology novices not to misuse the power in its circuitry. Heed well its warning about activating the InterPlak RTB2. "[E]specially when children are present, basic safety precautions should be followed."
Humanity's pact with the technical world takes a sinister turn when it cautions about a series of important hypotheticals. Home users are reminded not to reach for the re-charging cord if it's fallen into a tub of water while still plugged in.
In addition....
• Do not use while bathing.• Never use while sleeping or drowsy.
• Close supervision is necessary when this product is used by, on, or near children or invalids.
• Individuals with heart problems should check with their physician prior to using the RTB2, and should always exercise particular care with any oral hygiene device.
Okay, granted, some of the instructions are bureaucratic overkill. The first step, charging the power supply, reminds users to first "Be sure the electrical outlet is functioning." And step three -- "Apply toothpaste...and put brush head in mouth" -- probably is a little obvious. But if you think you've bought an innocent electrical gizmo, you're mistaken. "This equipment generates, uses, and can radiate radio frequency energy and if not installed and used in accordance with instructions, may cause harmful interference to radio communications." MacGyver could use it to jam spy transmissions.
By the way, casual users shouldn't mess with a different brand of battery. "Explosion may occur if other type battery is replaced."
The powerful dynamo also "should not be placed in municipal waste systems." Further down it explains that under various state and local laws, "it is illegal to dispose of this battery into our municipal waste stream. Please call 1-800-8-BATTERY for information."
After perusing the RTB2 manual, it becomes clear that the Feds are riding rough-shod over the rights of Americans who want to keep and bear dental equipment. There's even a full page on how the RTB2 complies with FCC restrictions on electric-powered toothbrushing devices. In this day and age AOL can merge with Time-Warner into a world-dominating monopoly -- but just try marketing an unauthorized toothbrushing device and see how far you get.
At this point you're probably saying "For cripes sakes, its a toothbrush -- not a lifestyle choice." But don't be a Luddite. Try to catch the beat of the new world brush...
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Naked Australian Redhead -- Missing!
She posed naked on the web, fought for pornography online, and even kept an online "Diary of a Virtual Girlfriend." But after earning a place in internet history, Bernadette Taylor vanished without a trace. (More...)
Three Days and 25 Spocktails: A Cautionary Tale
Johnnie Royale picked me up from the dental surgery. I felt warm, safe, cradled in the anathesia's loving embrace. The pharmacy downstairs gave me a bottle of Vicodin and a few instructions: take it with food, don't mix with alcohol, don't operate heavy machinery. I put it in my pocket and we left. "Do you want to go home, or do you want to go to a bar?" asked Johnnie. (More...)
A Day in the Life of a Beverotologist
It was starting to look like a very boring Saturday, trapped as I was in the suburban wastelands of the outer Bay Area, so I called my Able Assistant (AA) and proposed that we perform some Spocktail field tests. For some time I've been working on creating the quintessential cinematic beverage and even tho' SMRL does most of its testing during nocturnal hours, this seemed an opportune time to roll up the sleeves of our labcoats and get some science done. While the beverotology creation tested this day (The Neurotoxin) must be deemed a success, this article focuses more the journey of the experimenters, rather then the science of beverotology. (More...)
During a magnificent sunny day in a fast receding autumn, the Spock Science Monitor reporters once again blew the playa dust off of their computers and covered the 2002 Burning Man Decompression – held every year just east of Portola Hill in beautiful San Francisco. Both an afternoon and evening issues were released to the unsuspecting crowd of freaks attempting to in some small way experience the euphoria of the playa – if but for a brief afternoon far from the desolation of Northern Nevada. (More...)
A Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Liquor
Curled up cozy with a good book? All warm and snuggly and thinking about friends far away? So am I, reading the greatest story by the greatest writer -- when he suddenly starts waxing philosophical about liquor! (More...)
Pigdog brings you SETI astronomer Seth Shostak to bring you the truth about Ay-leens (More...)