Build Date: Thu Aug 20 06:40:19 2026 UTC
When your opponent's sittin' there holdin' all the aces, there's only one thing to do. Kick over the table.
-- Dean Martin
Gonzo ToothBrush Tech
2000-06-16 20:43:10
21st century technology transforms the world of dental hygiene, as unsuspecting users find they've purchased not just an electic toothbrush -- but the InterPlak RTB2.
This crazy-sophisticated piece of dental engineering comes complete with the RTB2 Instruction Manual, a technical document cautioning technology novices not to misuse the power in its circuitry. Heed well its warning about activating the InterPlak RTB2. "[E]specially when children are present, basic safety precautions should be followed."
Humanity's pact with the technical world takes a sinister turn when it cautions about a series of important hypotheticals. Home users are reminded not to reach for the re-charging cord if it's fallen into a tub of water while still plugged in.
In addition....
• Do not use while bathing.• Never use while sleeping or drowsy.
• Close supervision is necessary when this product is used by, on, or near children or invalids.
• Individuals with heart problems should check with their physician prior to using the RTB2, and should always exercise particular care with any oral hygiene device.
Okay, granted, some of the instructions are bureaucratic overkill. The first step, charging the power supply, reminds users to first "Be sure the electrical outlet is functioning." And step three -- "Apply toothpaste...and put brush head in mouth" -- probably is a little obvious. But if you think you've bought an innocent electrical gizmo, you're mistaken. "This equipment generates, uses, and can radiate radio frequency energy and if not installed and used in accordance with instructions, may cause harmful interference to radio communications." MacGyver could use it to jam spy transmissions.
By the way, casual users shouldn't mess with a different brand of battery. "Explosion may occur if other type battery is replaced."
The powerful dynamo also "should not be placed in municipal waste systems." Further down it explains that under various state and local laws, "it is illegal to dispose of this battery into our municipal waste stream. Please call 1-800-8-BATTERY for information."
After perusing the RTB2 manual, it becomes clear that the Feds are riding rough-shod over the rights of Americans who want to keep and bear dental equipment. There's even a full page on how the RTB2 complies with FCC restrictions on electric-powered toothbrushing devices. In this day and age AOL can merge with Time-Warner into a world-dominating monopoly -- but just try marketing an unauthorized toothbrushing device and see how far you get.
At this point you're probably saying "For cripes sakes, its a toothbrush -- not a lifestyle choice." But don't be a Luddite. Try to catch the beat of the new world brush...
T O P S T O R I E S
John Dvorak has passed. I’m of mixed emotions. First off I’m more positive about his contribution to the overall technology journalism of the early PC days through the 90s, despite how many things he got wrong. He was a firebrand and commanded attention. (More...)
America's National Recording Registry Inducts Culturally Significant Artist - Weezer!
America's Library of Congress calls them "defining sounds of history and culture" and "audio treasures worthy of preservation for all time based on their cultural, historical or aesthetic importance in the nation’s recorded sound heritage." Ladies and gentlemen, I give you... Weezer! (More...)
The Crossroads are real and The Blues is a place; The enduring myth of Robert Johnson (More...)
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Pigdog dispatched special correspondent Ratsnatcher for a holiday reconnaissance of America's frozen hell. After ten days of silence, our shortwave radio cackled with Ratsnatcher's static-filled transmission. (More...)
Vacationing from Somnambulant Narrow Realities
So about six months ago, I was chilling in Chang Mai, Thailand with ICBINJ, perursing the Bangkok Times over my banana pancake and Big Chang breakfast when I spotted this article reprinted from the LA Times. It was about some kooks from California (where else?) who were claiming to have been to the front lines in Afgahnistan in mid-December and had recorded the whole feat on their website. "Holy Fuck!" I thought, "Now That's web journalism. Who are these guys!?" (More...)
It’s election night. My wife and I are holed-up in this hotel that my political party has rented out for the evening. Outside, people are being violently beaten for whom they voted for. Is this South Africa? Perhaps we’re in Haiti or some Southern state during the 60’s. Of all the places where this sort of thing happens, it’s mind-boggling that we are in Portland, Maine. (More...)
Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)
Yet another delicious SPOCKTAIL from the SMRL Beverage Science Labs! Check under the cap for your chance to win thousands of fabulous prizes! (More...)
Three Days and 25 Spocktails: A Cautionary Tale
Johnnie Royale picked me up from the dental surgery. I felt warm, safe, cradled in the anathesia's loving embrace. The pharmacy downstairs gave me a bottle of Vicodin and a few instructions: take it with food, don't mix with alcohol, don't operate heavy machinery. I put it in my pocket and we left. "Do you want to go home, or do you want to go to a bar?" asked Johnnie. (More...)
