Two Giant Mounds of Crap Merge; Can Produce More Crap
2000-01-10 20:07:08

We're Professionals, Dammit!
Real men read directly from the mail spool with cat.
-- Ratsnatcher


Yippity doo dah fuck! AOL and Time Warner, two of the world's largest producers of shoddy and biased information, today announced that they would merge together into one giganto-hugic mound of bullshit-producing crap. Look on, ye mighty, and despair!

This has got to be one of the sickest, most disgusting corporate mergers in the entire world of sick and disgusting corporate mergers. Time Warner is the throbbing venomous spider at the heart of a near-universal web of low-quality brain-sapping sell-o-tainment and jingoistic propaganda posing as news. Vile deceit and SACCHARINE DRECK ooze from Time Warner's many tentacles like so much TOXIC SLIME. They are a black fungus on the infosphere.

And AOL... well, FUCK! Everybody knows what kind of horrendous shove-it-down-your-throat eyeball pimp AOL is. They are the closed channel to end all closed channels -- the King Evil Bastardo Wholesaler of the entire so-called Global Internet. If AOL could ENFORCE by STATUTE the implantation of BUY BUTTONS in the brains of all Internet users, they would do it in an instant.

The fact that these two mega-whores can come together in unholy matrimony is a disgrace for our civilization. So-called analysts are already slobbering over the supposed "synergy" in this merger (jeez, what an affront to Bucky every time that word is used). They spin big ol' tales about how you could be watching CNN and then see a war in Slobovia and you could click the BUY BUTTON on your AOL whoozit and BUY SOME SLOBOVIAN REFUGEES. Or you could take a Sports Illustrated with an embedded "smart chip" and put it in your ASS and wave it over the computer and get STOCK PRICES read by STONE PHILIPS directly downloaded into your RECTUM. The possibilities are endless! Gar fucking GAR!

And who is to blame? Or, I mean, WHOM is to blame? There is nowhere to point the finger except at you and me, Mr. and Mrs. Internet. If we hadn't driven up the value of Internet stocks so high -- by working for Internet companies, by using the Internet, by making the Internet a household word -- a penny-ante hump-dog like AOL would NEVER have been able to mount a torpid, dripping megalocephalopod like Time-Warner. AOL used their VASTLY OVERVALUED corporate stock to buy Time Warner! Can you believe it!?

I'm sure this is going to give lots of other overvalued Internet companies some ideas. Like AOL, they can use their totally disproportionately-priced stocks to buy some companies that actually DO STUFF and MAKE MONEY. That way when the Internet bubble bursts, they can ditch their worthless .coms and live off of tractors and tobacco and stuff.

The time is not far when Yahoo! buys some boring old brick-and-mortar like GENERAL MOTORS. Or leverages their INFLATED JUNK STOCKS to purchase RJR-NABISCO! Man, what kind of SYNERGY will you have there! Woo-hoo! Put one of those "Smart Chips" Ahoy! in my ASS! I want to get some STOCK QUOTES.

Anyways, I'm a simple man, not prone to bouts of emotion. But of this I am certain: for the forseeable future, Pigdog Journal will continue to be the premiere INDEPENDENT source of NEWS and ENTERTAINMENT on the World Wide Fucking Web! When the whole world is owned by AOL-Time-RJR-Fuckerco, and you can't squeeze a packet down the trunk lines because of all the "Samantha the Teenage Witch" RERUNS streaming to the cortices of mind-controlled ICQ USERS, we will still bring you the news! I don't know how, but we'll do it -- of that you can be sure.

We don't need no stinkin' SYNERGY to do our jobs as JOURNALISTICAL PROFESSIONALS, delivering you the INFORMATION you need in a timely and thought-provoking manner. So, to AOL and Time Warner I say: go ahead and mate, you disgusting OVERSIZED SLUGS. We have more than enough salt for the both of you.

Beaujolais for independent content! Beaujolais for the MAMMALS of the WEB!

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

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