Build Date: Wed Oct 21 23:23:03 2026 UTC
There is no beer in space. That really pisses me off.
-- Johnnie Royale
Two Giant Mounds of Crap Merge; Can Produce More Crap
2000-01-10 20:07:08
Yippity doo dah fuck! AOL and Time Warner, two of the world's largest producers of shoddy and biased information, today announced that they would merge together into one giganto-hugic mound of bullshit-producing crap. Look on, ye mighty, and despair!
This has got to be one of the sickest, most disgusting corporate mergers in the entire world of sick and disgusting corporate mergers. Time Warner is the throbbing venomous spider at the heart of a near-universal web of low-quality brain-sapping sell-o-tainment and jingoistic propaganda posing as news. Vile deceit and SACCHARINE DRECK ooze from Time Warner's many tentacles like so much TOXIC SLIME. They are a black fungus on the infosphere.
And AOL... well, FUCK! Everybody knows what kind of horrendous shove-it-down-your-throat eyeball pimp AOL is. They are the closed channel to end all closed channels -- the King Evil Bastardo Wholesaler of the entire so-called Global Internet. If AOL could ENFORCE by STATUTE the implantation of BUY BUTTONS in the brains of all Internet users, they would do it in an instant.
The fact that these two mega-whores can come together in unholy matrimony is a disgrace for our civilization. So-called analysts are already slobbering over the supposed "synergy" in this merger (jeez, what an affront to Bucky every time that word is used). They spin big ol' tales about how you could be watching CNN and then see a war in Slobovia and you could click the BUY BUTTON on your AOL whoozit and BUY SOME SLOBOVIAN REFUGEES. Or you could take a Sports Illustrated with an embedded "smart chip" and put it in your ASS and wave it over the computer and get STOCK PRICES read by STONE PHILIPS directly downloaded into your RECTUM. The possibilities are endless! Gar fucking GAR!
And who is to blame? Or, I mean, WHOM is to blame? There is nowhere to point the finger except at you and me, Mr. and Mrs. Internet. If we hadn't driven up the value of Internet stocks so high -- by working for Internet companies, by using the Internet, by making the Internet a household word -- a penny-ante hump-dog like AOL would NEVER have been able to mount a torpid, dripping megalocephalopod like Time-Warner. AOL used their VASTLY OVERVALUED corporate stock to buy Time Warner! Can you believe it!?
I'm sure this is going to give lots of other overvalued Internet companies some ideas. Like AOL, they can use their totally disproportionately-priced stocks to buy some companies that actually DO STUFF and MAKE MONEY. That way when the Internet bubble bursts, they can ditch their worthless .coms and live off of tractors and tobacco and stuff.
The time is not far when Yahoo! buys some boring old brick-and-mortar like GENERAL MOTORS. Or Lycos.com leverages their INFLATED JUNK STOCKS to purchase RJR-NABISCO! Man, what kind of SYNERGY will you have there! Woo-hoo! Put one of those "Smart Chips" Ahoy! in my ASS! I want to get some STOCK QUOTES.
Anyways, I'm a simple man, not prone to bouts of emotion. But of this I am certain: for the forseeable future, Pigdog Journal will continue to be the premiere INDEPENDENT source of NEWS and ENTERTAINMENT on the World Wide Fucking Web! When the whole world is owned by AOL-Time-RJR-Fuckerco, and you can't squeeze a packet down the trunk lines because of all the "Samantha the Teenage Witch" RERUNS streaming to the cortices of mind-controlled ICQ USERS, we will still bring you the news! I don't know how, but we'll do it -- of that you can be sure.
We don't need no stinkin' SYNERGY to do our jobs as JOURNALISTICAL PROFESSIONALS, delivering you the INFORMATION you need in a timely and thought-provoking manner. So, to AOL and Time Warner I say: go ahead and mate, you disgusting OVERSIZED SLUGS. We have more than enough salt for the both of you.
Beaujolais for independent content! Beaujolais for the MAMMALS of the WEB!
T O P S T O R I E S
John Dvorak has passed. I’m of mixed emotions. First off I’m more positive about his contribution to the overall technology journalism of the early PC days through the 90s, despite how many things he got wrong. He was a firebrand and commanded attention. (More...)
America's National Recording Registry Inducts Culturally Significant Artist - Weezer!
America's Library of Congress calls them "defining sounds of history and culture" and "audio treasures worthy of preservation for all time based on their cultural, historical or aesthetic importance in the nation’s recorded sound heritage." Ladies and gentlemen, I give you... Weezer! (More...)
The Crossroads are real and The Blues is a place; The enduring myth of Robert Johnson (More...)
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Johnnie Royale's Guide to Wakes
Wakes can present problems for Bad People of the Future. (If you don't know what a BPotF is, you need to read more of the PDJ.) Sure, your friend is gone and you miss him and that really sucks; it does, I know. But all Bad People of the Future are gonna die, and they have all accepted that fact. They do deserve, however, to have one final kickass party to celebrate all the bad things they've done in the past, present and future. And you, as a friend, have to make sure that their desire for a final send off is well executed (sorry for the pun). That's just the way of BPotFdom. (More...)
Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)
So I was walking around the Tenderloin looking for stray twenty-dollar-bills that might have fallen into gutters, and I was thinking, as I often do, about my mother. (More...)
Skunk School -- Learn Why Not To Keep Skunks As Pets
There is an alarming trend in pet purchasing habits this fall. People inspired by the WWII film, "Life is Beautiful" -- the one with that annoying Italian guy -- are buying descented skunks by the millions. (More...)
The Deep Dark Underbelly of the Star Wars Myth, or Ramayana Remembered
It's a fact: Star Wars is a blatant plagiarism of an ancient Asian legend, and the long lines of devout Star Wars freaks are really unscrupulous Asian copyright busters. From Indonesia to Thailand to Nepal, videos are available for sale or rent before they're even released in the US and UK due to this nerdy camcorder-clutching bunch. (More...)
During a magnificent sunny day in a fast receding autumn, the Spock Science Monitor reporters once again blew the playa dust off of their computers and covered the 2002 Burning Man Decompression – held every year just east of Portola Hill in beautiful San Francisco. Both an afternoon and evening issues were released to the unsuspecting crowd of freaks attempting to in some small way experience the euphoria of the playa – if but for a brief afternoon far from the desolation of Northern Nevada. (More...)
