My fellow Americans. In this time of trial we must stand together, wary and vigilant, and
we must respond with united strength to any who would violate our laws and attack the
symbols of our greatness. I'm talking, of course, about all those yahoos who are treating
the American flag like it's a goddamn car ornament or something. Ever hear of the Flag
Code, jerkoffs? Well, it doesn't really matter, because ignorance of the law is no
Displaying the American Flag is a solemn and weighty undertaking, to be assayed only by
the truly resolute of spirit. Dudes, it's a real fucking hassle, okay? The flag isn't
something you toss up like paper streamers and then throw away when you're sick of it. As
Public Law 94 - 344 so eloquently puts it, "The flag represents a living country and is
itself considered a living thing." Would you tie a baby to the antenna of your car? Huh?
No! "When the flag is displayed on a motor car, the staff should be fixed firmly to the
chassis or clamped to the right fender." That's Congress talking, bubba. Moreover, "It
is the universal custom to display the flag only from sunrise to sunset...However, when a
patriotic effect is desired, the flag may be displayed twenty-four hours a day if
properly illuminated during the hours of darkness." Now, do you respectfully lower your
car's flag at night? Do you make sure that it is properly illuminated in the garage? Who
exactly do you think you're fooling? God sees all, and now the FBI does too, evildoer!
And for all you flag-abusers at home, "When displayed either horizontally or vertically
against a wall, the union should be uppermost and to the flag's own right, that is, to
the observer's left. When displayed in a window, the flag should be displayed in the same
way, with the union or blue field to the left of the observer in the street." Some of
you are getting this right. But many are not! And that's quite literally a crime!
The car companies have really got it coming to them, because "the flag should never be
used for advertising purposes in any manner whatsoever." Moreover, "It should not be
embroidered on such articles as cushions or handkerchiefs and the like, printed or
otherwise impressed on paper napkins or boxes or anything that is designed for temporary
use and discard."
I know our President and our new Gestapo of Homeland Security are busy, but surely they
will soon turn their attention to the egregious violation of the Flag Code that is
occurring right in our backyards. And then we'll see a crack down. You can burrow and
you can hide, but all you barbarians who are improperly displaying the flag will be
captured and brought to justice. It is the responsibility of any good citizen to report
suspicious flag-displaying behavior.