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Ever Hear of the Flag Code, Asshole?
2001-11-08 21:09:43


Treachery
 
I hear that Boris is cracking down on Russian hillbilly moonshine...
-- Ratsnatcher

 

My fellow Americans. In this time of trial we must stand together, wary and vigilant, and we must respond with united strength to any who would violate our laws and attack the symbols of our greatness. I'm talking, of course, about all those yahoos who are treating the American flag like it's a goddamn car ornament or something. Ever hear of the Flag Code, jerkoffs? Well, it doesn't really matter, because ignorance of the law is no excuse.

Displaying the American Flag is a solemn and weighty undertaking, to be assayed only by the truly resolute of spirit. Dudes, it's a real fucking hassle, okay? The flag isn't something you toss up like paper streamers and then throw away when you're sick of it. As Public Law 94 - 344 so eloquently puts it, "The flag represents a living country and is itself considered a living thing." Would you tie a baby to the antenna of your car? Huh? Would you?

No! "When the flag is displayed on a motor car, the staff should be fixed firmly to the chassis or clamped to the right fender." That's Congress talking, bubba. Moreover, "It is the universal custom to display the flag only from sunrise to sunset...However, when a patriotic effect is desired, the flag may be displayed twenty-four hours a day if properly illuminated during the hours of darkness." Now, do you respectfully lower your car's flag at night? Do you make sure that it is properly illuminated in the garage? Who exactly do you think you're fooling? God sees all, and now the FBI does too, evildoer!

And for all you flag-abusers at home, "When displayed either horizontally or vertically against a wall, the union should be uppermost and to the flag's own right, that is, to the observer's left. When displayed in a window, the flag should be displayed in the same way, with the union or blue field to the left of the observer in the street." Some of you are getting this right. But many are not! And that's quite literally a crime!

The car companies have really got it coming to them, because "the flag should never be used for advertising purposes in any manner whatsoever." Moreover, "It should not be embroidered on such articles as cushions or handkerchiefs and the like, printed or otherwise impressed on paper napkins or boxes or anything that is designed for temporary use and discard."

I know our President and our new Gestapo of Homeland Security are busy, but surely they will soon turn their attention to the egregious violation of the Flag Code that is occurring right in our backyards. And then we'll see a crack down. You can burrow and you can hide, but all you barbarians who are improperly displaying the flag will be captured and brought to justice. It is the responsibility of any good citizen to report suspicious flag-displaying behavior.

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

backdraft@pigdog.org


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