Build Date: Wed Feb 12 11:12:08 2025 UTC
Thanks for the free diagnoses, but I prefer my doctors to have more than two brain cells to rub to together. Some minimum education beyond grade school would be nice too.
-- Ratsnatcher
The Snakefighter is Cast Into The Pit of Cobras
2000-01-30 22:20:47
The Presidential race is on! And so far leading the pack we have a coke-snorting alcoholic fratboy, a boring pro-censorship hick, a former Nixon aid that admires Hitler, and some pot-smoking Libertarian that no one cares about. I don't know about you, but the choices leave a taste in my mouth that can only be compared to having to choose between drinking sour milk or fermented piss. Who can you cast your vote FOR?
Back in 1981, The Adolescents recorded the lyrics "Democrat Republican Libertarian/It Don't matter what party you're in" as part of the song Democracy. This is a sentiment I've long held, almost as long as I've been able to vote. In my eyes, the candidates and their points of view differ very little. It's like being asked to choose between Satan, Beelzebub and Lucifer for your dark overlord.
As with the last several elections - unless it appears that someone like Tom Metzgar or his band of ghouls has an actual chance of winning - I will either vote for the most insane crackpot on the ballot, or for no one at all. I feel that rather than vote for the same old band of liars & thieves, I would rather make my voice heard for things that matter - like money for schools, clean drinking water & air. These are the things that really matter when you get down to brass tacks. And believe me, nothing would please me more when it comes to elections, than to be able to cast a ballot FOR someone rather than AGAINST, which is how most people have been voting for the past couple of generations.
And now, we have that chance.
This morning, as I scanned over my mail, I spied a message marked "urgent" with the subject of "Jello Biafra for President." I get a few of these messages a year. Someone will read the Jello Biafra FAQ that I helped to set up several years ago, and they'll email me, wanting me to pass along messages suggesting that Biafra run for president. I send back polite responses with the correct address to send the mail to, and that is usually that. This morning, though, it was different.
When I opened the mail, I was greeted with a press release, announcing that the Green Party had nominated Jello Biafra for the candidacy as President of the United States. Talk about being blindsided with an announcement.
This isn't the first time that Biafra has been in the political spotlight. In 1979, Biafra ran for mayor of San Francisco, coming in fourth out of six candidates. He ran on a platform of banning cars, requiring businessmen to wear clown outfits, auctioning off government positions, and having cops run for election in the neighborhoods they patrol (along with an annual vote of confidence).
Below are some of the ground-breaking ideas he has for his presidential platform. I should note that at the time of this writing, he is not the official candidate. This won't be decided until March.
While I don't agree with all the ideas he has about what would make this world a better place to live in, he has a hell of a better idea than the professional politicians we as a nation have become all-too accustomed to.
One thing I would like to make clear: remaining neutral. I cannot say that any one candidate will see us their run for an office. This includes or any other candidate running .
So, as the first rounds of lying, deceiving, and misleading is underway, you might want to consider someone who has no need to lead you astray in order to move up the venom-crusted political ladder.
T O P S T O R I E S
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
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The Once & Future King of Dust
Only The Onion could have acquired Infowarts. (More...)
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Johnny Royale loves his Trackman ultra pointer thingy. It's coolio! Read all about it! (More...)
The Ancient and Correct Sake Ceremony
Many Americans have learned to appreciate the delicate, sophisticated flavors of Japanese food and drink, along with the beautifully refined rituals of Japanese dining. San Francisco, as a gateway between East and West, has especially benefited from the flowering of Eastern consciousness in America. It is hardly possible to walk down the street without stepping on somebody's sushi. (More...)
Tastes like key lime pie, gets you hammered like nobody's business: Introducing the Key Lime Spocktail! (More...)
The Walken / Country Bear Conspiracy
As has been recently reported in the PDJ, Christopher Walken, evil s00per villain extraordinaire, will be appearing next month in Disney's newest release, The Country Bear Movie. Always playing some wicked and very disturbed badass in movies like Sleepy Hollow, Illuminata, The Prophecy I, II, III, Pulp Fiction, Batman Returns, The Milagro Beanfield War, A View to a Kill, The Dogs of War, Heaven's Gate, and The Deer Hunter, Walken is unsuprisingly a big favorite in the PDJ news room. (More...)
"Gee, I wish I was older."
"So do I." (More...)
Juggler Vain attempts to wrestle with the issues around the KPFA shutdown; Big-time wrestling ensues. (More...)