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... when the space-aliens find our crap in space, and see that it's full
of Forth, they won't be messing with us... 'cause they'll recognise a
bad-ass os when they see one.
-- Juggler Vain
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The Presidential race is on! And so far leading the pack we
have a coke-snorting alcoholic fratboy, a boring
pro-censorship hick, a former Nixon aid that admires
Hitler, and some pot-smoking Libertarian that no one cares
about. I don't know about you, but the choices leave a
taste in my mouth that can only be compared to having to
choose between drinking sour milk or fermented piss. Who
can you cast your vote FOR?
Back in 1981, The
Adolescents recorded the lyrics "Democrat Republican Libertarian/It Don't
matter what party you're in" as part of the song
Democracy. This is a sentiment I've long held, almost as long as I've been
able to vote. In my eyes, the candidates and their points of view differ very
little. It's like being asked to choose between Satan, Beelzebub and Lucifer
for your dark overlord.
As with the last several elections - unless it appears that someone like Tom
Metzgar or his band of ghouls has an actual chance of winning - I will either
vote for the most insane crackpot on the ballot, or for no one at all. I feel
that rather than vote for the same old band of liars & thieves, I would rather
make my voice heard for things that matter - like money for schools, clean
drinking water & air. These are the things that really matter when you get
down to brass tacks. And believe me, nothing would please me more when it comes
to elections, than to be able to cast a ballot FOR someone rather than AGAINST,
which is how most people have been voting for the past couple of generations.
And now, we have that chance.
This morning, as I scanned over my mail, I spied a message marked "urgent" with
the subject of "Jello Biafra for President." I get a few of these messages a
year. Someone will read the Jello Biafra FAQ that I helped to set up several
years ago, and they'll email me, wanting me to pass along messages suggesting
that Biafra run for president. I send back polite responses with the correct
address to send the mail to, and that is usually that. This morning, though, it
was different.
When I opened the mail, I was greeted with a press release, announcing that the
Green Party had nominated Jello Biafra for the candidacy as President of the
United States. Talk about being blindsided with an announcement.
This isn't the first time that Biafra has been in the political spotlight. In
1979, Biafra ran for mayor of San Francisco,
coming in fourth out of six candidates. He ran on a platform of banning cars,
requiring businessmen to wear clown outfits, auctioning off government
positions, and having cops run for election in the neighborhoods they patrol
(along with an annual vote of confidence).
Below are some of the ground-breaking ideas he has for his presidential
platform. I should note that at the time of this writing, he is not the
official candidate. This won't be decided until March.
- Enactment of a maximum wage
- Payback through free healthcare,
education and public transportation
- Withdrawal of the US from NAFTA and the
World Trade Organization, ideally forcing their dissolution
- A
moratorium (or at least mandatory labeling) of irradiated and genetically
engineered "frankenfood"
- End the "War on Drugs" disband the DEA, and
commute the prison sentences of all small time drug offenders to "time
served"
- Abolish the military and CIA, and destroy all nuclear
weapons
- Shift the United States Government to Parliamentary rule, with
proportional representation, and a sixty-day limit on election campaigns
- "None of the Above" option on all ballots, whereby a majority of
dissatisfied voters can force a new election
- Allow taxpayers to choose
exactly where the government directs their money
- Citizen election of
police officers Legalize squatting in abandoned buildings Eradicating all
SUV's
While I don't agree with all the ideas he has about what would make this world
a better place to live in, he has a hell of a better idea than the professional
politicians we as a nation have become all-too accustomed to.
One thing I would like to make clear: remaining
neutral. I cannot say that any one candidate will see us
their run for an office. This includes
or any other candidate running .
So, as the first rounds of lying, deceiving, and misleading is underway, you
might want to consider someone who has no need to lead you astray in order to
move up the venom-crusted political ladder.
Check it out yourself
punchbowl@pigdog.org
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