Build Date: Wed Apr 2 12:31:06 2025 UTC
Tell me some more truisms, I need the sleep.
-- Master Squid
The Walken / Country Bear Conspiracy
2002-04-22 21:41:04
As has been recently reported in the PDJ, Christopher Walken, evil s00per villain extraordinaire, will be appearing next month in Disney's newest release, The Country Bear Movie. Always playing some wicked and very disturbed badass in movies like Sleepy Hollow, Illuminata, The Prophecy I, II, III, Pulp Fiction, Batman Returns, The Milagro Beanfield War, A View to a Kill, The Dogs of War, Heaven's Gate, and The Deer Hunter, Walken is unsuprisingly a big favorite in the PDJ news room.
So Walken's appearance in a movie like Country Bear managed to stir up quite a debate. There are many of my esteemed colleagues who believe that this deal is on the up and up and that we should take the words from the Disney Press Release literally and accept the fact that Christopher Walken actually enjoyed making this movie.
However, a quick viewing of the trailer — which I will now review for you because this is the PDJ and I don't actually review movies, just the trailers — shows this to be a fucking God Awful Film. I review trailers because it saves me a lot time and effort and in the hyperactive and lightning fast-paced world of webzines, time is money... or it would be if I got paid. The PDJ does get a number of complaints about this strategy... emails with the words "lazy," "cheap bastards," "uninformed" and "lacking journalistic integrity" are routinely received by our crack mailroom team which immediately routes them to the shredder.
So anyway, onto the trailer review, which starts with some talking infant bear cub being adopted by a family that just happens to neglect to mention to the cub that he isn't in fact a human being. Naturally, having a big black nose, two ears on the top of his head and being covered in fur causes him to grow suspicious and wonder just what in the hell is wrong with him. As he becomes an adolescent, kids at school start teasing him about his unusual physical traits, so his big "brother" explains to the cub that he is not human at all. This freaks the cub out and he runs away from home. Why??? I don't know... I guess I could watch the movie to figure this part of the plot out, but I'm sure it isn't important in the grand scheme of the universe. On the road, the cub has all sort of coming-of-bear adventures and finally runs into the Country Bears, a band of bears that is touring the country entertaining people with that special music and banter of theirs. To make a short review even shorter, the cub saves the band, learns his true identity, rejoins his bear culture and goes on to become the lead singer, just like Michele Jackson, err... with more fur. Of course, his adopted family arrives just in time to see the big number at the end of the movie and is very proud of him.
Ugh, what a horrible fucking trailer and I hope you all appreciate the 5 minutes of my life I wasted watching it for you. It seems that the Disney marketing dweebs have just flat run out of ideas and were stumbling through Disney World in the middle of some prescription drug binge when they walked past the Country Bears Jamboree and decided that marketing synergy was a good thing and a movie about starting singing animatronic bears was a sure seller. Forgetting, of course, that no one gives a flying fuck about the Country Bears.
But Disney, already owning the rights to the bears and desperate to jack up park attendance, sees this movie as one 2 hour DisneyWorld advertisement that people get to pay 9 bucks to see. Don't you just love synergy? Unfortunately for Disney, they couldn't just take the cameras inside the Country Bear Jamboree and film the robotic bears because then people wouldn't flock to the park to see the Bears "perform." It would also have been hard to stretch out that 15 minutes of "entertainment" into a full length film, tho' I have the feeling that anybody who actually watches this movie will wish Disney had done just that. Thus, Disney actually had to write a script. Big mistake... I've seen the trailer, remember.
Anyway, back to the reason for this article in the first place, which is how in the hell did Disney convince Walken to take a role in a shitty movie like this? I, and a number of other editors, simply refuse to believe that Walken willingly acted in this movie. Some editors speculated that Walken probably killed a person or two or 20 and Disney found out about it and blackmailed him into making this movie. That's believable as no one really questions whether or not Walken would kill people. The only debate here is how much would he make them suffer first.
Other editors, pointing out just how evil Disney has become since the death of Walt, theorized that Disney just threatened to break Walken's kneecaps if he didn't take the role. I think that is unlikely, as people don't generally threaten a man like Walken. Still, it is possible as no matter how tough a guy Walken is, even he can't take on the whole DisneyWorld security staff of clones.
However, I suspect that something much darker and more menacing is afoot here. I think that Disney just had Walken killed, dumped his body behind Splash Mountain and replaced him with an animatronic robot made from spare Abe Lincoln parts. And why not? Let's face it, Walken doesn't really express any emotions or any real facial expressions (except for an evil grimace), which is one of the reasons he gets all the good super-villain roles. So he is like the perfect candidate for robotic replacement. And what is scary is, as soon as they perfect this technology, Disney will be able to replace and control any person with a cardboard, one dimensional character, like our current selected President. Assuming, of course, that the oil companies haven't beaten them to the punch.
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Poor Metallica. All they want is to continue to put out the same weak "Heavy Metal" they've been churning out since the "And Justice For All" days? and make gooey wads of cash in the process. The problem is, people aren't buying their bound for the heavy metal scrap heap, over-produced, uninspired, tired crap. And let's face it, their various commercial endorsements won't pay for the lifestyle they've become comfortably accustomed to. Resorting to lawsuits makes perfect sense, when you need spending money. But just one lawsuit isn't going to pay their bills. So, to aid Metallica, I've composed an open letter to the boys in the band, with suggestions as to whom else they might sic their lapdog lawyers on... (More...)
Pigdog brings you SETI astronomer Seth Shostak to bring you the truth about Ay-leens (More...)
All this talk about death, wakes and Moloch recently has, frankly, got me a little worried. What if I'm next to go? I could slip on a wet banana peel and slam my head against an enormous brass statue at almost any time. I'm not planning well enough for this sort of thing. Who will talk for me when this terrible day comes? (More...)
During a magnificent sunny day in a fast receding autumn, the Spock Science Monitor reporters once again blew the playa dust off of their computers and covered the 2002 Burning Man Decompression – held every year just east of Portola Hill in beautiful San Francisco. Both an afternoon and evening issues were released to the unsuspecting crowd of freaks attempting to in some small way experience the euphoria of the playa – if but for a brief afternoon far from the desolation of Northern Nevada. (More...)
Our team of crack journalists went insane, and made the drive from Concord, California to Concord, New Hasmpshire on Interstate 80. Read the insightful observations of our intrepid travelers made on their journey into the heartland. (More...)
Ah, it's that special time of year again. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost nipping at your nose, crowded, dangerous streets filled with maniac shoppers rushing to the mall to buy Pokemon action figures, and getting hammered at the Xmas party and insulting the boss's hair weave. That's right: it's time to drink heavily and wait out life's little nagging miseries, holiday variety. Pigdog is here to help. (More...)