Build Date: Fri May 9 09:50:22 2025 UTC
A one gigabyte hard drive. I'll never delete a file again!
-- Doctor Murdock, in 1994
Justice And Sanity Kicked in the Balls by Wrong-headed Pig People
2003-03-18 13:29:48
The world sits on the brink of disaster today: an insane war for oil half a world away fought over the broken bodies of long-standing alliances and the dream of international law and order. People all over the globe are considering what's gone so wrong that the American war machine can blaze gigagallons of radioactive bullsemen into the dying throats of Iraqi children and the hopes of decent folks for centuries. Well, I mean, _other_ people are thinking about that. Me, I'm thinking about the fuckheads at the Raspberry Awards and their unconscionable sleight against Christopher Walken.
So, here's the dealio: the backseatdriving wankbots over at The Razzies do this thing every year where they have this alternative yadda yadda pseudo-Oscars shit choosing the WORST actors and films of the year. Get it!?!?! The WORST! Not the BEST, but the opposite of that! HAW HAW HAW! HOW WE ALL LAUGHED AT THE HILARITY OF IT ALL! I HAVEN'T SEEN ANYTHING THIS FUNNY SINCE "THE BEST OF THE CAPITOL STEPS" 4-PART MEGA-CD!
Anyways, normally I'd just ignore this BOGUS DUMBKNOCKER FOOLISHNESS as the kind of DOPEY GET-A-LIFE NON-HUMOR that so many goobs in "The Industry" pass off as worth a fucking rat's ass on heroin. EXCEPT -- and, I mean, EXCEPT -- this year, they have GONE TOO FAR! TOO FAR, I say! Because they have nominated CHRISTOPHER WALKEN for the worst supporting actor in "The Country Bears."
Now, if I hadn't seen the movie, I could possibly believe that Mr. Walken did a crappy job in "The Country Bears", as prima facie it looks like a real shithole of a Disney schmaltzfest. But I recently bought this fine DVD on a back street in a coffin market in Hanoi, no questions asked (yeah, I know it's wrong, but I also wipe my ass with 8x10 glossy promotional photos of Jack Valenti), and I can tell you that WITH OR WITHOUT FUJIANESE SUBTITLES, "The Country Bears" is one of the funniest movies I've seen in the last year. And, hey, at 75 cents per DVD, I've seen a lot.
I'm absolutely dead serious here. "The Country Bears" cracked my cynical ass up. And Christopher Walken was INGENIOUS in it. He was BRILLIANT. It was a fucking STAR TURN. His 90-second solo monologue ("Oh, no! Country Bear Hall has been destroyed!") was possibly the most pants-splitting hilarity I've dealt with in a while. Even without CW, it was a REAL GOOD MOVIE. I recommend everyone go pirate themselves a copy IMMEDIATELY.
Anyways, I guess I just want to SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT and tell the people at the Razzies to kindly go fuck themselves in the ass with a 6-foot-tall animatronic bear dildo (blood in the saddle, indeed), because they don't know good cin-em-ar when they see it, and screw them, too.
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Ah, it's that special time of year again. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost nipping at your nose, crowded, dangerous streets filled with maniac shoppers rushing to the mall to buy Pokemon action figures, and getting hammered at the Xmas party and insulting the boss's hair weave. That's right: it's time to drink heavily and wait out life's little nagging miseries, holiday variety. Pigdog is here to help. (More...)
Johnnie Royale's Guide to Wakes
Wakes can present problems for Bad People of the Future. (If you don't know what a BPotF is, you need to read more of the PDJ.) Sure, your friend is gone and you miss him and that really sucks; it does, I know. But all Bad People of the Future are gonna die, and they have all accepted that fact. They do deserve, however, to have one final kickass party to celebrate all the bad things they've done in the past, present and future. And you, as a friend, have to make sure that their desire for a final send off is well executed (sorry for the pun). That's just the way of BPotFdom. (More...)
Experimenter is a film released in 2015 starring Peter Sarsgaard. It tells the story of Dr. Stanley Milgram's life, including the infamous Milgram electric shock experiment, tests on crowds, and his work developing a theory on the mechanics of social networks. It currently streams on Netflix. (More...)
War on Terror produces excess inventory of doomsday ready laptops
The War on Terror has resulted in a rush of new technology useful to the general population. (More...)
Yet another delicious SPOCKTAIL from the SMRL Beverage Science Labs! Check under the cap for your chance to win thousands of fabulous prizes! (More...)
My dear and close friend, Porn Maven Shannon Mariemont, sent me a titillating message the other day about her new project: the PornOrchestra. Her desire, at most, is to reinvent the porn soundtrack and, at least, to receive a cease-and-desist order like all her cool friends did last year. (More...)