GNUPG! You need to get some ENCRYPTION, BUB.

     
 

Justice And Sanity Kicked in the Balls by Wrong-headed Pig People
2003-03-18 13:29:48


Team Walken
 
Hehehehe. Funny you should mention nitrous tonight...
-- Johnnie Royale

 

The world sits on the brink of disaster today: an insane war for oil half a world away fought over the broken bodies of long-standing alliances and the dream of international law and order. People all over the globe are considering what's gone so wrong that the American war machine can blaze gigagallons of radioactive bullsemen into the dying throats of Iraqi children and the hopes of decent folks for centuries. Well, I mean, _other_ people are thinking about that. Me, I'm thinking about the fuckheads at the Raspberry Awards and their unconscionable sleight against Christopher Walken.

So, here's the dealio: the backseatdriving wankbots over at The Razzies do this thing every year where they have this alternative yadda yadda pseudo-Oscars shit choosing the WORST actors and films of the year. Get it!?!?! The WORST! Not the BEST, but the opposite of that! HAW HAW HAW! HOW WE ALL LAUGHED AT THE HILARITY OF IT ALL! I HAVEN'T SEEN ANYTHING THIS FUNNY SINCE "THE BEST OF THE CAPITOL STEPS" 4-PART MEGA-CD!

Anyways, normally I'd just ignore this BOGUS DUMBKNOCKER FOOLISHNESS as the kind of DOPEY GET-A-LIFE NON-HUMOR that so many goobs in "The Industry" pass off as worth a fucking rat's ass on heroin. EXCEPT -- and, I mean, EXCEPT -- this year, they have GONE TOO FAR! TOO FAR, I say! Because they have nominated CHRISTOPHER WALKEN for the worst supporting actor in "The Country Bears."

Now, if I hadn't seen the movie, I could possibly believe that Mr. Walken did a crappy job in "The Country Bears", as prima facie it looks like a real shithole of a Disney schmaltzfest. But I recently bought this fine DVD on a back street in a coffin market in Hanoi, no questions asked (yeah, I know it's wrong, but I also wipe my ass with 8x10 glossy promotional photos of Jack Valenti), and I can tell you that WITH OR WITHOUT FUJIANESE SUBTITLES, "The Country Bears" is one of the funniest movies I've seen in the last year. And, hey, at 75 cents per DVD, I've seen a lot.

I'm absolutely dead serious here. "The Country Bears" cracked my cynical ass up. And Christopher Walken was INGENIOUS in it. He was BRILLIANT. It was a fucking STAR TURN. His 90-second solo monologue ("Oh, no! Country Bear Hall has been destroyed!") was possibly the most pants-splitting hilarity I've dealt with in a while. Even without CW, it was a REAL GOOD MOVIE. I recommend everyone go pirate themselves a copy IMMEDIATELY.

Anyways, I guess I just want to SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT and tell the people at the Razzies to kindly go fuck themselves in the ass with a 6-foot-tall animatronic bear dildo (blood in the saddle, indeed), because they don't know good cin-em-ar when they see it, and screw them, too.

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

yaddayadda@pigdog.org


comments powered by Disqus
 
     

 

C L A S S I C   P I G D O G

Skunk School -- Learn Why Not To Keep Skunks As Pets
by El Snatcher & Ms. BunnyPenny

Eavesdropping on Geeks: 'Star Trek: Discovery' vs 'The Orville'
by Thom 'Starky' Stark, Lenny Tuberose, 'Tricky' Rick Moen, Destino

WE'RE STILL TOTAL LOSERS JESUS
by Mr. Bad

Put the "Life" Back in SF "Nightlife"
by Flesh

02-23

Baron Earl

Cliff Burton Day in Castro Valley

02-23

El Destino

When Spock met PLATO

12-28

El Destino

A musical reminder: Don't Say GIF

12-22

El Destino

Devo's one and only Christmas song

12-04

El Destino

What teenaged girls really wanted to ask David Cassidy

10-09

El Destino

Frank Sinatra told Donald Trump to "go fuck himself"

07-05

El Destino

Whatever happened to JenniCam's Jennifer Ringley?

05-03

El Destino

Iíve Made Millions Selling Fake Plastic Hillbilly Teeth

05-03

Baron Earl

Fyre Fest Lawsuit

05-03

Baron Earl

US Government uses drones to shoot M&Ms at endangered ferrets

More Quickies...