Build Date: Wed Apr 2 02:30:25 2025 UTC
I think I need to either get another nickname or drink more.
-- Liquor Pig
Justice And Sanity Kicked in the Balls by Wrong-headed Pig People
2003-03-18 13:29:48
The world sits on the brink of disaster today: an insane war for oil half a world away fought over the broken bodies of long-standing alliances and the dream of international law and order. People all over the globe are considering what's gone so wrong that the American war machine can blaze gigagallons of radioactive bullsemen into the dying throats of Iraqi children and the hopes of decent folks for centuries. Well, I mean, _other_ people are thinking about that. Me, I'm thinking about the fuckheads at the Raspberry Awards and their unconscionable sleight against Christopher Walken.
So, here's the dealio: the backseatdriving wankbots over at The Razzies do this thing every year where they have this alternative yadda yadda pseudo-Oscars shit choosing the WORST actors and films of the year. Get it!?!?! The WORST! Not the BEST, but the opposite of that! HAW HAW HAW! HOW WE ALL LAUGHED AT THE HILARITY OF IT ALL! I HAVEN'T SEEN ANYTHING THIS FUNNY SINCE "THE BEST OF THE CAPITOL STEPS" 4-PART MEGA-CD!
Anyways, normally I'd just ignore this BOGUS DUMBKNOCKER FOOLISHNESS as the kind of DOPEY GET-A-LIFE NON-HUMOR that so many goobs in "The Industry" pass off as worth a fucking rat's ass on heroin. EXCEPT -- and, I mean, EXCEPT -- this year, they have GONE TOO FAR! TOO FAR, I say! Because they have nominated CHRISTOPHER WALKEN for the worst supporting actor in "The Country Bears."
Now, if I hadn't seen the movie, I could possibly believe that Mr. Walken did a crappy job in "The Country Bears", as prima facie it looks like a real shithole of a Disney schmaltzfest. But I recently bought this fine DVD on a back street in a coffin market in Hanoi, no questions asked (yeah, I know it's wrong, but I also wipe my ass with 8x10 glossy promotional photos of Jack Valenti), and I can tell you that WITH OR WITHOUT FUJIANESE SUBTITLES, "The Country Bears" is one of the funniest movies I've seen in the last year. And, hey, at 75 cents per DVD, I've seen a lot.
I'm absolutely dead serious here. "The Country Bears" cracked my cynical ass up. And Christopher Walken was INGENIOUS in it. He was BRILLIANT. It was a fucking STAR TURN. His 90-second solo monologue ("Oh, no! Country Bear Hall has been destroyed!") was possibly the most pants-splitting hilarity I've dealt with in a while. Even without CW, it was a REAL GOOD MOVIE. I recommend everyone go pirate themselves a copy IMMEDIATELY.
Anyways, I guess I just want to SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT and tell the people at the Razzies to kindly go fuck themselves in the ass with a 6-foot-tall animatronic bear dildo (blood in the saddle, indeed), because they don't know good cin-em-ar when they see it, and screw them, too.
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
About 14 years ago when I was on a road trip and stopped in Seattle, I was invited to a party. At this party there were these little tiny glasses sitting in a flat-bottomed bowl of ice. Thin cylinders about an inch in diameter and 4 inches tall, with thick glass at the bottom. Into these were poured frozen AKVAVIT... also known as the water of life. (More...)
Three Days and 25 Spocktails: A Cautionary Tale
Johnnie Royale picked me up from the dental surgery. I felt warm, safe, cradled in the anathesia's loving embrace. The pharmacy downstairs gave me a bottle of Vicodin and a few instructions: take it with food, don't mix with alcohol, don't operate heavy machinery. I put it in my pocket and we left. "Do you want to go home, or do you want to go to a bar?" asked Johnnie. (More...)
Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)
Skunk School -- Learn Why Not To Keep Skunks As Pets
There is an alarming trend in pet purchasing habits this fall. People inspired by the WWII film, "Life is Beautiful" -- the one with that annoying Italian guy -- are buying descented skunks by the millions. (More...)
A Day in the Life of a Beverotologist
It was starting to look like a very boring Saturday, trapped as I was in the suburban wastelands of the outer Bay Area, so I called my Able Assistant (AA) and proposed that we perform some Spocktail field tests. For some time I've been working on creating the quintessential cinematic beverage and even tho' SMRL does most of its testing during nocturnal hours, this seemed an opportune time to roll up the sleeves of our labcoats and get some science done. While the beverotology creation tested this day (The Neurotoxin) must be deemed a success, this article focuses more the journey of the experimenters, rather then the science of beverotology. (More...)
Spock Went, Spock Wrote, Spock Kicked Ass
Every Labor Day weekend a large portion of the PDJ staff joins 30,000 other freaks at one of the biggest and strangest art festivals in the world - Burning Man - somewhere on the edge of the Black Rock Desert. Our base of operations is always the ultra swank Spock Mountain Research Labs - the World Leaders in Beverage Science and Leisure Technology. This year, we hauled up our computers, printers and a massive digital duplicator, determined to become Black Rock City's third daily newspaper. Even Spock was surprised by our success - news will never be viewed the same on the playa. Read all seven issues of the 2002 Spock Science Monitor for yourself and see why. (More...)