Build Date: Wed Oct 22 14:30:21 2025 UTC
I've learned not to argue with Science, especially when it has two fists up my ass.
-- Siduri
Justice And Sanity Kicked in the Balls by Wrong-headed Pig People
2003-03-18 13:29:48
The world sits on the brink of disaster today: an insane war for oil half a world away fought over the broken bodies of long-standing alliances and the dream of international law and order. People all over the globe are considering what's gone so wrong that the American war machine can blaze gigagallons of radioactive bullsemen into the dying throats of Iraqi children and the hopes of decent folks for centuries. Well, I mean, _other_ people are thinking about that. Me, I'm thinking about the fuckheads at the Raspberry Awards and their unconscionable sleight against Christopher Walken.
So, here's the dealio: the backseatdriving wankbots over at The Razzies do this thing every year where they have this alternative yadda yadda pseudo-Oscars shit choosing the WORST actors and films of the year. Get it!?!?! The WORST! Not the BEST, but the opposite of that! HAW HAW HAW! HOW WE ALL LAUGHED AT THE HILARITY OF IT ALL! I HAVEN'T SEEN ANYTHING THIS FUNNY SINCE "THE BEST OF THE CAPITOL STEPS" 4-PART MEGA-CD!
Anyways, normally I'd just ignore this BOGUS DUMBKNOCKER FOOLISHNESS as the kind of DOPEY GET-A-LIFE NON-HUMOR that so many goobs in "The Industry" pass off as worth a fucking rat's ass on heroin. EXCEPT -- and, I mean, EXCEPT -- this year, they have GONE TOO FAR! TOO FAR, I say! Because they have nominated CHRISTOPHER WALKEN for the worst supporting actor in "The Country Bears."
Now, if I hadn't seen the movie, I could possibly believe that Mr. Walken did a crappy job in "The Country Bears", as prima facie it looks like a real shithole of a Disney schmaltzfest. But I recently bought this fine DVD on a back street in a coffin market in Hanoi, no questions asked (yeah, I know it's wrong, but I also wipe my ass with 8x10 glossy promotional photos of Jack Valenti), and I can tell you that WITH OR WITHOUT FUJIANESE SUBTITLES, "The Country Bears" is one of the funniest movies I've seen in the last year. And, hey, at 75 cents per DVD, I've seen a lot.
I'm absolutely dead serious here. "The Country Bears" cracked my cynical ass up. And Christopher Walken was INGENIOUS in it. He was BRILLIANT. It was a fucking STAR TURN. His 90-second solo monologue ("Oh, no! Country Bear Hall has been destroyed!") was possibly the most pants-splitting hilarity I've dealt with in a while. Even without CW, it was a REAL GOOD MOVIE. I recommend everyone go pirate themselves a copy IMMEDIATELY.
Anyways, I guess I just want to SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT and tell the people at the Razzies to kindly go fuck themselves in the ass with a 6-foot-tall animatronic bear dildo (blood in the saddle, indeed), because they don't know good cin-em-ar when they see it, and screw them, too.
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Report from Spiritual Machines
Arkuat gives you the inside scoop on the "Spiritual Machines" panel and conclave. Wacky excitement ensues! (More...)
Skunk School -- Learn Why Not To Keep Skunks As Pets
There is an alarming trend in pet purchasing habits this fall. People inspired by the WWII film, "Life is Beautiful" -- the one with that annoying Italian guy -- are buying descented skunks by the millions. (More...)
The end of summer is near and sirens call of Black Rock City are beginning to summons Pigdoggers from all of the world to Burning Man. Spock Mountain Research Labs (SMRL), the world leader in beverage science and leisure technology will be at our second home for a week at 5:00 and Infant (how fitting) as we enjoy the liberated lifestyle of a temporary community 200 miles from nowhere... (More...)
High Availability Guinness Stress Test
All too often we forget the incredible depth of technology behind the weekly ritual of TNiPN@*. We tend to only become aware of the strategy of High Available Guinness (HAG) when it rises to the forefront during a complete and utter venue failure. Yet we should all be super grateful that this system exists. (More...)
Poor Metallica. All they want is to continue to put out the same weak "Heavy Metal" they've been churning out since the "And Justice For All" days? and make gooey wads of cash in the process. The problem is, people aren't buying their bound for the heavy metal scrap heap, over-produced, uninspired, tired crap. And let's face it, their various commercial endorsements won't pay for the lifestyle they've become comfortably accustomed to. Resorting to lawsuits makes perfect sense, when you need spending money. But just one lawsuit isn't going to pay their bills. So, to aid Metallica, I've composed an open letter to the boys in the band, with suggestions as to whom else they might sic their lapdog lawyers on... (More...)
During a magnificent sunny day in a fast receding autumn, the Spock Science Monitor reporters once again blew the playa dust off of their computers and covered the 2002 Burning Man Decompression – held every year just east of Portola Hill in beautiful San Francisco. Both an afternoon and evening issues were released to the unsuspecting crowd of freaks attempting to in some small way experience the euphoria of the playa – if but for a brief afternoon far from the desolation of Northern Nevada. (More...)