Build Date: Tue May 12 23:30:07 2026 UTC
I love America so much that I want to fuck it.
-- Miss Conduct
Ladies and Gentleman, I Have A New Hero
2000-12-19 18:32:41
First off, I'd like to point out that Bob Crane was bludgeoned to death in 1978 in a motel room in Arizona. I just found out about this in the last 24 hours and it's having a really deleterious effect on my blood sugar level. Apparently there was porno involved, and blunt object trauma and all kinds of bad juju. But this is ALL OK, because I don't need Hogan anymore. I've got a NEW HERO, and his name is William Leonard Pickard Jr.
[Oh, hey, interesting factoid aside here: you know on "Hogan's Heroes" where Colonel Hogan would always get FREAKY with Colonel Klink's secretaries to get super-big military secrets? It turns out he was bangin' the secretaries for REAL! In real life! Big-breasted Helgas for Bob Crane, all over the place! That lucky dog. Too bad about the blunt object trauma.]
But back to TRUE AMERICAN HEROES: William Leonard Pickard, Jr. is this well-known drug policy expert from UCLA. He is like this big knowledgeable fellow about the Russian drug trade and all the bad things they did, and he's written papers and organized huge conferences and shit.
Well, let me change the tense here: he _was_ a policy expert, that is, until his grant ran out last fall. Then, he went on a RAMPAGE! He (allegedly) bought this crazy ABANDONED NUCULAR MISSILE SILO in KANSAS and made it into a gigantic LSD lab. He was putting out 10 million doses a month! (Allegedly) He converted the nucular silo into luxurious Mac Daddy ACID DEALER LOVE PAD, with a Jacuzzi and Italian marble!
Allegedly.
And THEN he got raided in November by the DEA, but he got away! He ran into the woods of Kansas, and evaded police for 18 hours! With like all these bloodhounds and INFRARED HELIOCOPTERS and gillions of big dumb DEA cops running after him. But then he got busted when some HAYSEED found him in a truck and turned him in. [By the way, fuck you, you fucking goody-goody KANSAS FARMER NOBODY! You don't deserve to kiss William Pickard's unwiped ass, much less turn him in. Gar!]
And THEN, he got all arraigned this month, and he got all these letters of support from crazy freaks around the globe. Like, the Zen Center of San Francisco and SF DA Terrence Hallinan wrote letters of support for him. And these wacko English Noblepersons Lord and Lady Neidpath, best known for their advocacy of trephination and such. They both have big drilled heads, and they love William Pickard! He is beloved by all!
This is just such a great story in so many ways. It's really what journalism is all about, covering the INTERNATIONAL NUCULAR SILO PLAYBOY ZEN TREPANATION DRUG DEALER PROFESSORS and their lifestyles and antics. It's a must-read for everybody. Go check it out now!
T O P S T O R I E S
The Crossroads are real and The Blues is a place; The enduring myth of Robert Johnson (More...)
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Ah, it's that special time of year again. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost nipping at your nose, crowded, dangerous streets filled with maniac shoppers rushing to the mall to buy Pokemon action figures, and getting hammered at the Xmas party and insulting the boss's hair weave. That's right: it's time to drink heavily and wait out life's little nagging miseries, holiday variety. Pigdog is here to help. (More...)
An innocent trip to the Central Market resulted in a severe attack of arachnophobia (and a meal) when a depraved street kid set her vicious pet spider on an unsuspecting shopper. (More...)
A Treatise Prepared for the Gallup Organization on the Symbolism of the Scarab
Well dahlings, the response to my new tarot column has been quite overwhelming. I got three whole pieces of mail requesting my arcane insight. One asked why blogs suck so much, and one was a completely incomprehensible tale of bears shitting random numbers in the woods — I am fairly certain it was a cryptographic allegory. Howsomever, only ONE of the inquiries was accompanied by a crisp ten-dollar bill, and so it's the Gallup Organization that will this week reap the benefit of my wicked pack of cards. (More...)
The days are getting longer and, as the man says, the nights are getting HOTTER! Lick your finger, touch your ass and go *Tschssh*, cause the damn SUN is out now! And of course that means it's time for a refreshing Spocktail that meets YOUR NEEDS for a delicious booze cooler at affordable prices. (More...)
Body and Soul, a night of fucking in San Francisco
For the benefit of Pigdog readers, I took it upon myself to explore the deep frontiers of human behavior and attend a saucy festival of the flesh. This was no ordinary fete of carnal delights, dearie. (More...)
Poor Metallica. All they want is to continue to put out the same weak "Heavy Metal" they've been churning out since the "And Justice For All" days? and make gooey wads of cash in the process. The problem is, people aren't buying their bound for the heavy metal scrap heap, over-produced, uninspired, tired crap. And let's face it, their various commercial endorsements won't pay for the lifestyle they've become comfortably accustomed to. Resorting to lawsuits makes perfect sense, when you need spending money. But just one lawsuit isn't going to pay their bills. So, to aid Metallica, I've composed an open letter to the boys in the band, with suggestions as to whom else they might sic their lapdog lawyers on... (More...)
