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Spock's Balls
1999-10-16 18:11:59

Spocktail of the Week
I like throwing stones in glass houses.
-- Johnnie Royale


Hooray! At long last, a NEW Spocktail of the Week! Kid-tested, mother-approved!

The magic of this spocktail is that repeated use leaves you in a state of STINKING DRUNKITUDE that you are physically incapable of sleeping off. The delicious spliciness of the ginger beer combines with the herbal blechiness of the smart drugs to ward off the faint of heart from this robust and adventurous spocktail.

The name originates in the fact that the ginger beer brand sounds an awful lot like "Cock and Balls" to folks who like to snigger about that kind of thing. PLUS! the near-hallucinatory effect is reminiscent of a 2-ton wrecking ball arcing at high speed through the mossy brick wall of your brain. PLUS! I like to name things after Spock.

I first had a Spock's Balls with Flesh and Johnny Royale at a warehouse party in San Pedro in 1994. We were hunkered down in the foreman's tiny office up on the catwalk, trying to get the hell out. In an irrational fit of pique, Johnny had used a gigantic portable hand drill on a Barracuda belonging to some Samoans that had cut us off in the parking lot. I was worried somewhat about the obese, flower-shirted Polynesians lumbering about like postmodern Gypsy bears in the flashing lights below, Xed out of their woolly gourds. They didn't seem to know yet about the violation of their machine, but they were still evincing aggressive behavior, such as ramming their heads through the corrugated aluminum walls of the warehouse. I was nervous.

Flesh mixed up 2 rounds of Spock's Balls while we tried to think. Johnny pointed out that we could climb up one more level of catwalks and leave through a skylight in the roof. Spock's Balls lower your inhibitions for such reckless schemes, but the drink also inhibits your gross motor capacity for executing them. I still have a really bad limp from the fall, and only two toes on my left foot. A Samoan drove me cheerfully to the hospital in his maimed convertible, gleefully burbling about the 18 months he lived in Ibiza. I didn't put forward any theories about who had fucked with his car.


Spock's Balls

Chill the Everclear in a highball glass 1/4-filled with ice. Add the ginger beer. Carefully open the Metabolift (TM) capsule and empty the powder into the drink (a Leatherman can be helpful in extracting the Metabolift if it is dryish and sticks to the gel cap). Stir carefully and serve.

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.


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