Build Date: Tue Jun 2 01:50:12 2026 UTC
Mississippi children need to be learning blues guitar not fractions.
-- S. Dallas, Esq.
Help Wanted: Hero
2001-01-06 16:05:08
Here's your chance to be Freedom's Fifth Column in the fight for information liberation! Agent C528 gives you the lowdown on how to be a human dagger in the heart of oppression.
So, you're pretty pissed off about the DMCA and all the restrictions on free speech in the name of "copy protection" that the movie and record companies are laying on us with the craven, bootlicking help of the computer industry. Your freedom is being fucked with and you want to do something to protect it. But you're not an elite reverse engineer or a software guru like Jon Johansen, so what can you do?
Well, do you know Microsoft Word?
The shadowy organization known variously as "LMI," "The 4C Entity" and "DVD CCA" is hiring an "Executive Assistant" to do all the calendarization, prioritization, coordination, and stapleization for their normally ultra-secret plans to wreck free speech and fair use. They say, "Must maintain a high level of confidentiality." which means, basically, "If the People ever find out about our nefarious schemes they will rise up in righteous wrath and destroy us, so we'll pay you really well to shut you up and try to keep your mind off the fact that we're all going to Hell."
Why the fuck would you want that job? Typing up a bunch of nasty shit on Microsoft Word for a bunch of nasty people? (They're technically not human, biologically, but that's another story.) Sounds like a recipe for burnout.
Well, wrong. Here's the deal. You clean up your act, practice your officeatorial skills, get the job, then mail us. (Not from work. Go to an Internet café. Duh.) We'll help do your work for you.
So picture this: the tyrant warlord Xenu, who runs the 4C Entity, asks you to type up Intel's plan for mandatory stool-sampling circuitry on all new PCs. What a drag, word processing some dumbass document about some intrusive privacy-violating technology. But wait, you just contact your confidential Pigdog "agent handler," make a brush pass or a dead drop, and within hours, the secret plan is all typed up and fontified, and we'll even make the copies. So you'll have time to finish your screenplay, maintain your web site, or maybe get really, really good at Minesweeper.
So not only do you get mega-pay for mini-work, you get to be a hero in the cause of freedom when the history of the Culture War gets written. It's the perfect job. Apply today.
T O P S T O R I E S
America's National Recording Registry Inducts Culturally Significant Artist - Weezer!
America's Library of Congress calls them "defining sounds of history and culture" and "audio treasures worthy of preservation for all time based on their cultural, historical or aesthetic importance in the nation’s recorded sound heritage." Ladies and gentlemen, I give you... Weezer! (More...)
The Crossroads are real and The Blues is a place; The enduring myth of Robert Johnson (More...)
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Still Up For the Party? America's Dance Floors Are Graying
Raving over 30 doesn't have to be embarassing anymore. (More...)
My dear and close friend, Porn Maven Shannon Mariemont, sent me a titillating message the other day about her new project: the PornOrchestra. Her desire, at most, is to reinvent the porn soundtrack and, at least, to receive a cease-and-desist order like all her cool friends did last year. (More...)
Poor Metallica. All they want is to continue to put out the same weak "Heavy Metal" they've been churning out since the "And Justice For All" days? and make gooey wads of cash in the process. The problem is, people aren't buying their bound for the heavy metal scrap heap, over-produced, uninspired, tired crap. And let's face it, their various commercial endorsements won't pay for the lifestyle they've become comfortably accustomed to. Resorting to lawsuits makes perfect sense, when you need spending money. But just one lawsuit isn't going to pay their bills. So, to aid Metallica, I've composed an open letter to the boys in the band, with suggestions as to whom else they might sic their lapdog lawyers on... (More...)
This week: another fine spocktail from the beverage researchers at SMRL! Drink it in peace, because WE DID THE RESEARCH! (More...)
The Deep Dark Underbelly of the Star Wars Myth, or Ramayana Remembered
It's a fact: Star Wars is a blatant plagiarism of an ancient Asian legend, and the long lines of devout Star Wars freaks are really unscrupulous Asian copyright busters. From Indonesia to Thailand to Nepal, videos are available for sale or rent before they're even released in the US and UK due to this nerdy camcorder-clutching bunch. (More...)
We here in SMRL's Beverage Research Lab realize that there is more to life than just drinking spocktails. It's important to have other activities. One such activity that we wholeheartedly support is dancing six or more hours to Trance music. So we have designed a drink to accommodate this. (More...)
