Most of the time "ugly" is a state of mind. To surpass that state of mind, you have to encourage the ugly person to reach beyond their ugliness - this is what the liquor is for. If that doesn't work, you'll need to look very hard for the inner beauty of the ugly person - this is what the paper bag is for. -- MLP
Here's your chance to be Freedom's Fifth Column in the fight for
information liberation! Agent C528 gives you the lowdown on
how to be a human dagger in the heart of oppression.
So, you're pretty pissed off about the DMCA and all the restrictions on
free speech in the name of "copy protection" that the movie and record
companies are laying on us with the craven, bootlicking help of the
computer industry. Your freedom
is being fucked with and you want to do something to protect it.
But you're not an elite reverse engineer or a software guru like Jon
Johansen, so what can you do?
Well, do you know Microsoft Word?
The shadowy organization
known variously as "LMI," "The 4C Entity" and "DVD CCA" is
hiring an "Executive
Assistant" to do all the calendarization,
prioritization, coordination, and stapleization for their normally
ultra-secret plans to wreck free speech and fair use.
They say, "Must maintain a high level of confidentiality." which means,
basically, "If the People ever find out about our nefarious schemes they
will rise up in righteous wrath and destroy us, so we'll pay you really
well to shut you up and try to keep your mind off the fact that we're
all going to Hell."
Why the fuck would you want that job? Typing up a bunch of
nasty shit on Microsoft Word for a bunch of nasty people? (They're
technically not human, biologically, but that's another story.) Sounds
like a recipe for burnout.
Well, wrong. Here's the deal. You clean up your act, practice your
officeatorial skills, get the job, then mail us. (Not from work. Go to
an Internet café. Duh.) We'll help do your work for
So picture this: the tyrant warlord Xenu, who runs the 4C Entity, asks
you to type up Intel's plan for mandatory stool-sampling circuitry on
all new PCs. What a drag, word processing some dumbass document about
some intrusive privacy-violating technology. But wait, you just
contact your confidential Pigdog "agent handler," make a brush pass or
a dead drop, and within hours, the secret plan is all typed up and
fontified, and we'll even make the copies. So you'll have time to
finish your screenplay, maintain your web site, or maybe get really,
really good at Minesweeper.
So not only do you get mega-pay for mini-work, you get to be a hero
in the cause of freedom when the history of the Culture War gets written.
It's the perfect job. Apply today.