Build Date: Fri Apr 18 19:20:18 2025 UTC
One of the great things about aging is that you don't have to hang out with or see the people you had sex with as a teenager. With incest you don't have that luxury.
-- Enigma
Help Wanted: Hero
2001-01-06 16:05:08
Here's your chance to be Freedom's Fifth Column in the fight for information liberation! Agent C528 gives you the lowdown on how to be a human dagger in the heart of oppression.
So, you're pretty pissed off about the DMCA and all the restrictions on free speech in the name of "copy protection" that the movie and record companies are laying on us with the craven, bootlicking help of the computer industry. Your freedom is being fucked with and you want to do something to protect it. But you're not an elite reverse engineer or a software guru like Jon Johansen, so what can you do?
Well, do you know Microsoft Word?
The shadowy organization known variously as "LMI," "The 4C Entity" and "DVD CCA" is hiring an "Executive Assistant" to do all the calendarization, prioritization, coordination, and stapleization for their normally ultra-secret plans to wreck free speech and fair use. They say, "Must maintain a high level of confidentiality." which means, basically, "If the People ever find out about our nefarious schemes they will rise up in righteous wrath and destroy us, so we'll pay you really well to shut you up and try to keep your mind off the fact that we're all going to Hell."
Why the fuck would you want that job? Typing up a bunch of nasty shit on Microsoft Word for a bunch of nasty people? (They're technically not human, biologically, but that's another story.) Sounds like a recipe for burnout.
Well, wrong. Here's the deal. You clean up your act, practice your officeatorial skills, get the job, then mail us. (Not from work. Go to an Internet café. Duh.) We'll help do your work for you.
So picture this: the tyrant warlord Xenu, who runs the 4C Entity, asks you to type up Intel's plan for mandatory stool-sampling circuitry on all new PCs. What a drag, word processing some dumbass document about some intrusive privacy-violating technology. But wait, you just contact your confidential Pigdog "agent handler," make a brush pass or a dead drop, and within hours, the secret plan is all typed up and fontified, and we'll even make the copies. So you'll have time to finish your screenplay, maintain your web site, or maybe get really, really good at Minesweeper.
So not only do you get mega-pay for mini-work, you get to be a hero in the cause of freedom when the history of the Culture War gets written. It's the perfect job. Apply today.
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
The Liquidation of Hobo Junction
Albany, CA's homeless hooverville by the Bay, "Hobo Junction," is going to be torn down by The Man. Entrances are already being blocked off, and it's now difficult and dangerous to get there. Worse, these obstacles are making it hard to get to the nearby HORSE TRACK on foot. Local historian, Pao Tzu, has an overview of situation. (More...)
My experiment is a failure. Rockstar-and-Robitussin tastes like day-after-Halloween bile. I'm trying to choke down enough to discover the effects, but no matter what those are one thing is certain at the outset: what I have discovered is not a Beverage, but a pale green and angry iced abomination.
You were right: science is not for the weak of will nor stomach. (More...)
Poor Metallica. All they want is to continue to put out the same weak "Heavy Metal" they've been churning out since the "And Justice For All" days? and make gooey wads of cash in the process. The problem is, people aren't buying their bound for the heavy metal scrap heap, over-produced, uninspired, tired crap. And let's face it, their various commercial endorsements won't pay for the lifestyle they've become comfortably accustomed to. Resorting to lawsuits makes perfect sense, when you need spending money. But just one lawsuit isn't going to pay their bills. So, to aid Metallica, I've composed an open letter to the boys in the band, with suggestions as to whom else they might sic their lapdog lawyers on... (More...)
Pigdog brings you SETI astronomer Seth Shostak to bring you the truth about Ay-leens (More...)
The Ancient and Correct Sake Ceremony
Many Americans have learned to appreciate the delicate, sophisticated flavors of Japanese food and drink, along with the beautifully refined rituals of Japanese dining. San Francisco, as a gateway between East and West, has especially benefited from the flowering of Eastern consciousness in America. It is hardly possible to walk down the street without stepping on somebody's sushi. (More...)
Canadians Not So Different After All
Nobody wants to be prejudiced. But sometimes you can be biased and not even realize it. I think many Americans are biased in this way against Canadians. I never really stopped to think about it, but I myself used to be this way. I guess I thought that Canadians were "stuck-up" — you know, smarter and better cultured than us. But then I got educated about Canadia. (More...)