Build Date: Tue Mar 5 13:40:07 2024 UTC

What is it with you Americans and your sodomy?
-- Evil Swiss Steve

Help Wanted: Hero

by Agent C528

2001-01-06 16:05:08

Here's your chance to be Freedom's Fifth Column in the fight for information liberation! Agent C528 gives you the lowdown on how to be a human dagger in the heart of oppression.

So, you're pretty pissed off about the DMCA and all the restrictions on free speech in the name of "copy protection" that the movie and record companies are laying on us with the craven, bootlicking help of the computer industry. Your freedom is being fucked with and you want to do something to protect it. But you're not an elite reverse engineer or a software guru like Jon Johansen, so what can you do?

Well, do you know Microsoft Word?

The shadowy organization known variously as "LMI," "The 4C Entity" and "DVD CCA" is hiring an "Executive Assistant" to do all the calendarization, prioritization, coordination, and stapleization for their normally ultra-secret plans to wreck free speech and fair use. They say, "Must maintain a high level of confidentiality." which means, basically, "If the People ever find out about our nefarious schemes they will rise up in righteous wrath and destroy us, so we'll pay you really well to shut you up and try to keep your mind off the fact that we're all going to Hell."

Why the fuck would you want that job? Typing up a bunch of nasty shit on Microsoft Word for a bunch of nasty people? (They're technically not human, biologically, but that's another story.) Sounds like a recipe for burnout.

Well, wrong. Here's the deal. You clean up your act, practice your officeatorial skills, get the job, then mail us. (Not from work. Go to an Internet café. Duh.) We'll help do your work for you.

So picture this: the tyrant warlord Xenu, who runs the 4C Entity, asks you to type up Intel's plan for mandatory stool-sampling circuitry on all new PCs. What a drag, word processing some dumbass document about some intrusive privacy-violating technology. But wait, you just contact your confidential Pigdog "agent handler," make a brush pass or a dead drop, and within hours, the secret plan is all typed up and fontified, and we'll even make the copies. So you'll have time to finish your screenplay, maintain your web site, or maybe get really, really good at Minesweeper.

So not only do you get mega-pay for mini-work, you get to be a hero in the cause of freedom when the history of the Culture War gets written. It's the perfect job. Apply today.

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

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