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In the future, as to not create any more controversy, I will limit my affection and genuine liking of people to a "High Five" or a head butt.
-- Amy
PIGDOG JOURNAL CHRISTMAS ESSAY CONTEST - 20TH ANNIVERSARY EDITION!
2017-12-15 22:29:39
Because Pigdog.org is entering OUR 20TH YEAR! And because the world is even MORE BATSHIT CRAZY than ever! We're announcing the glorious return of our most sacred tradition: the Pigdog Journal Christmas Essay Contest.
We're OOZING CHRISTMAS and also FRIENDSHIP around here, with a warm fuzzy glow from the return of our regular krew of wacky contributors. Arkuat, Flesh, Baron Earl, Lenny Tuberose, and El Destino all turned up again on Pigdog Journal this year, bearing the gift of new stories -- just like WISE MEN who have TRAVELLED THROUGH TIME. And we also saw SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCES from Tricky Rick Moen, Thom 'Starky Stark', and even Splicer -- just like a JOYOUS HOLIDAY REUNION special.
Then the earth shook, stars sang in the sky, and it was time for the return of the Pigdog Christmas Essay contest. Started back in 1998 -- with a stunningly brutal essay about Santa's very bad night in Ontario, Canada -- these ambitious amateur essays have been tickling funny bones on the Innurnets for NEARLY TWO DECADES. I'd like to tell you it was all started in a manger in Bethlehem when there was no room in the inn. But it wasn't. We all just got really drunk together one night back in 1998 -- and now here we are.
The officially-official contest rules are as follows:
- Entries MUST be submitted to pig-edit-owner@lists.pigdog.org by Email/Internet Postal Delivery Service before December 24th, 2017.
- Entries can be ANY LENGTH, but all entries MUST BE WRITTEN IN ASCII text form. Any Word documents will be disposed of immediately! HTML is a big pile of crap. If you have some pictures of angels and teddy bears and Norman Rockwell Xmas families that should go with your essay, put them in your Special Wishing Place and wish real hard! And then don't send them to us. Just text. OK?
- All entries MUST nominally treat the chosen theme for this year's contest. (Revealed below!)
- The winner of the contest will be announced sometime on or after all the festivities on Xmas Day, Dec 25, 2017, after I get up and have some coffee and see what kind of delightful trinkets The Santy Claus brought me.
- Publication of your essay on the front page of Pigdog Journal, The Online Handbook of Bad People of the Future
- A box of luxurious beer-infused fudge from the Official Guinness Collection™ delivered directly to your home or business!
- A special surprise! Of the special and surprisey variety! If you know what I mean! And I think you do!
- Bring a pig AND a dog, and you'll win your own tavern secretly nestled among the hills of the snow-capped Ozarks!
But here's the most important part: the unveiling of this year's VERY SPECIAL THEME. To honor our 20th anniversary -- and to honor the return of our long-lost comrades into more BEER-FUELED FRIENDSHIP -- the theme of this year's Pigdog Christmas Essay Contest is:
- or -
"Life in the Resistance"
So get those pens and crayons out and START WRITING! Submit EARLY and submit OFTEN, because Christmas comes around but once a year. It'll be just like happy golden days of yore, when glasses of Guinness clinked together, as faithful friends who are dear to us gather near to us once more...
Join in the fun! Come one, and come all, ye faithful, to YE OLDE PIGDOG CHRISTMAS ESSAY contest.
We used to say we were bad people from the future. Now we've made it into the future, but the place is broken. And we're pissed.
It's time to let off some steam....
T O P S T O R I E S
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
The Once & Future King of Dust
Only The Onion could have acquired Infowarts. (More...)
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
What do Computers and Skateboards have in Common?
They both sprang from the mind of John Mauchly that's what. (More...)
Our team of crack journalists went insane, and made the drive from Concord, California to Concord, New Hasmpshire on Interstate 80. Read the insightful observations of our intrepid travelers made on their journey into the heartland. (More...)
Pao Tzu: Obtaining San Pedro Cactus
Horticultural clone master, Pao Tzu, guides you through the ins and outs of stealing hallucinogenic cacti from your neighbors' yards. Ooh la la! (More...)
Johnnie Royale's Guide to Wakes
Wakes can present problems for Bad People of the Future. (If you don't know what a BPotF is, you need to read more of the PDJ.) Sure, your friend is gone and you miss him and that really sucks; it does, I know. But all Bad People of the Future are gonna die, and they have all accepted that fact. They do deserve, however, to have one final kickass party to celebrate all the bad things they've done in the past, present and future. And you, as a friend, have to make sure that their desire for a final send off is well executed (sorry for the pun). That's just the way of BPotFdom. (More...)
Paranoid Strippers & Psychotic Crack Dealers (Tales of Christmas Eve)
Christmas day, for the last 17 or so years has bored me. I find that the real fun and excitement always takes place on Christmas Eve. Every other year, it's the excitement of the metaphorical hunt instead of the kill. Otherwise, it's just plain bad craziness. (More...)
Brother Wayne Lays Down the Truth
Flesh interviews Wayne Kramer of MC5. (More...)
