Most of the time "ugly" is a state of mind. To surpass that state of mind, you have to encourage the ugly person to reach beyond their ugliness - this is what the liquor is for. If that doesn't work, you'll need to look very hard for the inner beauty of the ugly person - this is what the paper bag is for. -- MLP
Because Pigdog.org is entering OUR 20TH YEAR! And because the world is even MORE BATSHIT CRAZY than ever! We're announcing the glorious return of our most sacred tradition: the Pigdog Journal Christmas Essay Contest.
We're OOZING CHRISTMAS and also FRIENDSHIP around here, with a warm fuzzy glow from the return of our regular krew of wacky contributors. Arkuat, Flesh, Baron Earl, Lenny Tuberose, and El Destino all turned up again on Pigdog Journal this year, bearing the gift of new stories -- just like WISE MEN who have TRAVELLED THROUGH TIME. And we also saw SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCES from Tricky Rick Moen, Thom 'Starky Stark', and even Splicer -- just like a JOYOUS HOLIDAY REUNION special.
Then the earth shook, stars sang in the sky, and it was time for the return of the Pigdog Christmas Essay contest. Started back in 1998 -- with a stunningly brutal essay about Santa's very bad night in Ontario, Canada -- these ambitious amateur essays have been tickling funny bones on the Innurnets for NEARLY TWO DECADES. I'd like to tell you it was all started in a manger in Bethlehem when there was no room in the inn. But it wasn't. We all just got really drunk together one night back in 1998 -- and now here we are.
The officially-official contest rules are as follows:
Entries MUST be submitted to firstname.lastname@example.org by Email/Internet Postal Delivery Service before December 24th, 2017.
Entries can be ANY LENGTH, but all entries MUST BE WRITTEN IN ASCII text form. Any Word documents will be disposed of immediately! HTML is a big pile of crap. If you have some pictures of angels and teddy bears and Norman Rockwell Xmas families that should go with your essay, put them in your Special Wishing Place and wish real hard! And then don't send them to us. Just text. OK?
All entries MUST nominally treat the chosen theme for this year's contest. (Revealed below!)
The winner of the contest will be announced sometime on or after all the festivities on Xmas Day, Dec 25, 2017, after I get up and have some coffee and see what kind of delightful trinkets The Santy Claus brought me.
And remember, the winner of this year's contest wins the following FABULOUS PRIZES:
Publication of your essay on the front page of Pigdog Journal, The Online Handbook of Bad People of the Future
A box of luxurious beer-infused fudge from the Official Guinness Collection™ delivered directly to your home or business!
A special surprise! Of the special and surprisey variety! If you know what I mean! And I think you do!
Bring a pig AND a dog, and you'll win your own tavern secretly nestled among the hills of the snow-capped Ozarks!
But here's the most important part: the unveiling of this year's VERY SPECIAL THEME. To honor our 20th anniversary -- and to honor the return of our long-lost comrades into more BEER-FUELED FRIENDSHIP -- the theme of this year's Pigdog Christmas Essay Contest is:
Seeing Old Friends
- or - "Life in the Resistance"
So get those pens and crayons out and START WRITING! Submit EARLY and submit OFTEN, because Christmas comes around but once a year. It'll be just like happy golden days of yore, when glasses of Guinness clinked together, as faithful friends who are dear to us gather near to us once more...
Join in the fun! Come one, and come all, ye faithful, to YE OLDE PIGDOG CHRISTMAS ESSAY contest.
We used to say we were bad people from the future. Now we've made it into the future, but the place is broken. And we're pissed.