Do you want some pie, boy? - Pigdog Journal


Pigdog Journal FOURTH Annual Christmas Essay Contest
2001-12-11 12:25:26

Sappy Christmas Shit
What? I don't speak your crazy moon language!
-- Crackmonkey


Beaujolais!! Can you believe it's Christmas time again? I really haven't been able to plan around it since we survived Y2K -- never saw that coming. Anyways, send in your essay submission and LAUNCH YOUR CAREER TO THE STARS.

The Pigdog Journal Annual Christmas Essay Contest is, like, a holiday tradition unmatched in the history of Yule. It's a showcase for talented writers of all stripes to display their winning ways and educate the rest of us in the fine fine spirit of Kris Kringle. And shit.

Actually, what it's mostly been since its inception is a showcase for LENNY TUBEROSE to run rampant over all comers like a caribou herd in an eggnog stampede. He OWNS the damn Pigdog Annual Christmas Essay Contest, although the judges have cleverly avoided ever giving him even the tiniest prize, out of jealousy and spite. Bwahaha!

But seriously, we need someone to put up some kind of credible competition this year, so we can have a rigged game and break the Lenny Tuberose essay-contest dynasty. Make your submissions, people! Here's how:

  • Write an essay of ANY LENGTH on the following yuletide-cheery theme:
    HOES! HOES! HOES! A Very Pimpin' Christmas
  • Send the essay in PLAIN ASCII FORM to the submissions team at PDJ, namely Essays must be submitted by December 19, 2001. All submissions are final. Any submissions in NON-ASCII form will be used to wipe my yuletide ass.
  • WAIT WITH BATED BREATH as a panel of expert judges reviews the entries and comes up with a winner. Entries will be judged on:
    • Christmas-y goodness
    • Sticking to the fucking theme for God's sake
    • Originality
    • Congeniality
    • Swimsuit Competition
    • Not being from Lenny Tuberose
  • The winner will be announced some time between 19 Dec and Christmas, more or less. The prize is getting your essay published in PDJ, and probably a 4-pack of Guinness cans if we get around to it. Like I said before, Lenny still hasn't received shit, so ENTER FOR THE GLORY, not for the prizes.

If you need to get the creative turkey juices going a bit, I highly recommend that you review the many fine Christmas-related articles that have appeared in PDJ over the years. Aren't they great? Check 'em out, and then get out that big-ass pencil with the furry-headed troll on top that you wrote your Santa list with, and then write a big essay in childish block letters, and then make it into ASCII, and then send it to us! Beaujolais, and Mele Kalikimaka!

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

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