Build Date: Thu May 14 14:30:09 2026 UTC
I hate the French! Give back our weirdo hillbilly television, you goddamn Frogs!
-- Tjames Madison
Third Annual Pigdog Journal Christmas Essay Contest!!!!!!
2000-12-11 16:15:37
That's right, folks! It's back again, better than before, like Rocky VI or some shit. The Third Annual Pigdog Journal Christmas Essay Contest! You can practically smell the Christmas Magic!
Man, it's like chestnuts roasting on an open fire around here at Pigdog Central. We're getting our little submission elves all in line, hanging our stockings by the water heater, and making ready to take your fabulous entries in this once-again fabulous contest.
The Pigdog Journal Annual Christmas Essay Contest has become a HOLIDAY TRADITION on the Innurnet -- even more than the science spam about Santa Claus kersploding at the speed of light! People young and old, big and small, learn valuable lessons for the whole family about the true meaning of Christmas EVERY YEAR, here at Pigdog Journal, Christmas Ground Zero! We're like one-stop shopping for HOLIDAY GOOD CHEER. We're your X-MAS FUCKING SUPERSTORE, open 24 hours for the holiday season.
Anyhoo, here's the deal: We are now accepting submissions for the new essay contest. This year should be EXPECIALLY EXCITING, since two-time winner and Christmas Essay Contest powerhouse LENNY TUBEROSE will be submitting another fine piece of work. You can check out Lenny's Christmas fancies on the Pigdog Journal Sappy Christmas Shit category page. Beaujolais!
All right, here's the SUPER-OFFICAL RULES, audited by world-famous accounting firm DELOITTE AND TOUCHE for accuracy and fairness!
- The theme for this year's Pigdog Journal Third Annual Christmas Essay
Contest is (drumroll please):
You Can't Spell "Holiday Cheer" Without Some "E"
-or-
The Little Raver's First X-Mas - All submissions must have the theme title as their title. You'd be amazed how often this rule gets broken.
- Submissions must be sent by e-mail in plain ascii format to The Pigdog Journal Editorial Board.
- All submissions must include two proofs of purchase from specially marked boxes of Pigdog Journal. Alternately, use a 3x5 index card with the words "PIGDOG JOURNAL THIRD ANNUAL CHRISTMAS ESSAY CONTEST" printed on one side and your name and address and shit on the other. Then, insert the index card deep into your ass, because there's no way you're going to win this contest if you don't buy Pigdog Journal, fuckwad.
- All submissions must be submitted by December 19, 2000.
- A winner will be picked on December 23, 2000.
The winner will get the following SHOWCASE of FABULOUS PRIZES:
- Publication of their winning essay on the front page of the award-winning paper of record, PIGDOG JOURNAL!!!!
- A 4-pack of Guinness in the special stay-fresh cans that go "PSSSHHT."
- A Pigdog Journal refridgerator magnet.
- A special surprise!
That's all there is to it, folks! Fame, success, and warm-hearted holiday wishes can be yours -- they're only a dream away. Enter the Third Annual Pigdog Journal Christmas Essay Contest and make the holidays a family time of sharing and caring.
T O P S T O R I E S
The Crossroads are real and The Blues is a place; The enduring myth of Robert Johnson (More...)
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
It’s election night. My wife and I are holed-up in this hotel that my political party has rented out for the evening. Outside, people are being violently beaten for whom they voted for. Is this South Africa? Perhaps we’re in Haiti or some Southern state during the 60’s. Of all the places where this sort of thing happens, it’s mind-boggling that we are in Portland, Maine. (More...)
One of our star reporters was sent to Comdex by his employer. El Destino reports live from the biggest, geekiest trade show in the world. (More...)
A Day in the Life of a Beverotologist
It was starting to look like a very boring Saturday, trapped as I was in the suburban wastelands of the outer Bay Area, so I called my Able Assistant (AA) and proposed that we perform some Spocktail field tests. For some time I've been working on creating the quintessential cinematic beverage and even tho' SMRL does most of its testing during nocturnal hours, this seemed an opportune time to roll up the sleeves of our labcoats and get some science done. While the beverotology creation tested this day (The Neurotoxin) must be deemed a success, this article focuses more the journey of the experimenters, rather then the science of beverotology. (More...)
Brother Wayne Lays Down the Truth
Flesh interviews Wayne Kramer of MC5. (More...)
It was early in May last year when I first heard about Spock Mountain Research Labs. I was working on a story about a Hungarian scientist's new approach to nucleopeptide synthesis when I got a call from my friend Albert. (More...)
High Availability Guinness Stress Test
All too often we forget the incredible depth of technology behind the weekly ritual of TNiPN@*. We tend to only become aware of the strategy of High Available Guinness (HAG) when it rises to the forefront during a complete and utter venue failure. Yet we should all be super grateful that this system exists. (More...)
