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That's right, folks! It's back again, better than before, like Rocky VI or some shit. The Third Annual Pigdog Journal Christmas Essay Contest! You can practically smell the Christmas Magic!

Man, it's like chestnuts roasting on an open fire around here at Pigdog Central. We're getting our little submission elves all in line, hanging our stockings by the water heater, and making ready to take your fabulous entries in this once-again fabulous contest.

The Pigdog Journal Annual Christmas Essay Contest has become a HOLIDAY TRADITION on the Innurnet -- even more than the science spam about Santa Claus kersploding at the speed of light! People young and old, big and small, learn valuable lessons for the whole family about the true meaning of Christmas EVERY YEAR, here at Pigdog Journal, Christmas Ground Zero! We're like one-stop shopping for HOLIDAY GOOD CHEER. We're your X-MAS FUCKING SUPERSTORE, open 24 hours for the holiday season.

Anyhoo, here's the deal: We are now accepting submissions for the new essay contest. This year should be EXPECIALLY EXCITING, since two-time winner and Christmas Essay Contest powerhouse LENNY TUBEROSE will be submitting another fine piece of work. You can check out Lenny's Christmas fancies on the Pigdog Journal Sappy Christmas Shit category page. Beaujolais!

All right, here's the SUPER-OFFICAL RULES, audited by world-famous accounting firm DELOITTE AND TOUCHE for accuracy and fairness!

1. The theme for this year's Pigdog Journal Third Annual Christmas Essay Contest is (drumroll please):
   
   You Can't Spell "Holiday Cheer" Without Some "E"
   -or-
   The Little Raver's First X-Mas
   
2. All submissions must have the theme title as their title. You'd be amazed how often this rule gets broken.
3. Submissions must be sent by e-mail in plain ascii format to The Pigdog Journal Editorial Board.
4. All submissions must include two proofs of purchase from specially marked boxes of Pigdog Journal. Alternately, use a 3x5 index card with the words "PIGDOG JOURNAL THIRD ANNUAL CHRISTMAS ESSAY CONTEST" printed on one side and your name and address and shit on the other. Then, insert the index card deep into your ass, because there's no way you're going to win this contest if you don't buy Pigdog Journal, fuckwad.
5. All submissions must be submitted by December 19, 2000.
6. A winner will be picked on December 23, 2000.

The winner will get the following SHOWCASE of FABULOUS PRIZES:

• Publication of their winning essay on the front page of the award-winning paper of record, PIGDOG JOURNAL!!!!
• A 4-pack of Guinness in the special stay-fresh cans that go "PSSSHHT."
• A Pigdog Journal refridgerator magnet.
• A special surprise!

That's all there is to it, folks! Fame, success, and warm-hearted holiday wishes can be yours -- they're only a dream away. Enter the Third Annual Pigdog Journal Christmas Essay Contest and make the holidays a family time of sharing and caring.

yaddayadda@pigdog.org