Journalists are only interested in buffets and vacations, which is not a bad ideal, really, but doesn't make them any more qualified to put stuff before the public record than you or I.
-- Tjames Madison
That's right, folks! It's back again, better than before,
like Rocky VI or some shit. The Third Annual Pigdog Journal
Christmas Essay Contest! You can practically smell the
Man, it's like chestnuts roasting on an open fire around here at Pigdog
Central. We're getting our little submission elves all in line, hanging our
stockings by the water heater, and making ready to take your fabulous entries
in this once-again fabulous contest.
The Pigdog Journal Annual Christmas Essay Contest has become a HOLIDAY
TRADITION on the Innurnet -- even more than the science spam about Santa Claus
kersploding at the speed of light! People young and old, big and small, learn
valuable lessons for the whole family about the true meaning of Christmas EVERY
YEAR, here at Pigdog Journal, Christmas Ground Zero! We're like one-stop
shopping for HOLIDAY GOOD CHEER. We're your X-MAS FUCKING SUPERSTORE, open 24
hours for the holiday season.
Anyhoo, here's the deal: We are now accepting submissions for the new essay
contest. This year should be EXPECIALLY EXCITING, since two-time winner and
Christmas Essay Contest powerhouse LENNY TUBEROSE will be submitting another
fine piece of work. You can check out Lenny's Christmas fancies on the Pigdog
Journal Sappy Christmas
Shit category page. Beaujolais!
All right, here's the SUPER-OFFICAL RULES, audited by world-famous accounting
firm DELOITTE AND TOUCHE for accuracy and fairness!
The theme for this year's Pigdog Journal Third Annual Christmas Essay
Contest is (drumroll please):
You Can't Spell "Holiday Cheer"
Without Some "E"
Raver's First X-Mas
All submissions must have the theme
title as their title. You'd be amazed how often this rule gets broken.
All submissions must include two proofs of purchase from specially marked
boxes of Pigdog Journal. Alternately, use a 3x5 index card with the words
"PIGDOG JOURNAL THIRD ANNUAL CHRISTMAS ESSAY CONTEST" printed on one side and
your name and address and shit on the other. Then, insert the index card deep
into your ass, because there's no way you're going to win this contest if you
don't buy Pigdog Journal, fuckwad.
All submissions must be submitted
by December 19, 2000.
A winner will be picked on December 23,
The winner will get the following SHOWCASE of FABULOUS PRIZES:
Publication of their winning essay on the front page of the
award-winning paper of record, PIGDOG JOURNAL!!!!
A 4-pack of Guinness
in the special stay-fresh cans that go "PSSSHHT."
A Pigdog Journal
A special surprise!
That's all there is to it, folks! Fame, success, and warm-hearted holiday
wishes can be yours -- they're only a dream away. Enter the Third Annual Pigdog
Journal Christmas Essay Contest and make the holidays a family time of sharing